Daisies remind me of spring

I woke up tired this morning. I know I slept well but I felt like going through the whole morning with a distracted mind and a heavy heart.

It could have been caused by a very hectic week, with several deadlines, other pending matters that had to remain pending. In short, those blessed "balls in the air".
And then I felt it again, that "ache", that unexplainable void within. I thought I have already passed that stage; but I guess it never passes. Life and its many circumstances will, at one time or another, make that "ache" resurface.
I prayed and I thought of good and beautiful things. One thing I've learned these past months is that it is God who helps me to survive and get through these moments. So my prayer nowadays is, "Lord, just give me enough strength and joy to live through the suffering".
People may think I am exaggerating when I call this "void" suffering. But, really, it is a suffering. I wouldn't wish anybody to go through it. It is already a suffering for me because I know, in my head, that it is something small compared with the great sufferings of many people in the world. Secondly, it can take away from me all zest for life and attention to the small joys that life brings.
It is here that I rely on the power of Jesus. I do not look at Him as a magician or an opium. Indeed, in all these months of my strong experience that led to this suffering, Jesus did not take it away. I have suffered, and still do sometimes, the pain of rejection, the boredom of routine, the fatigue of community life.
So where does Jesus enter in this story?
He gives meaning to this suffering. His life and His teaching tell me that after the cross there is the resurrection; that unless the seed falls down to the ground and dies it will not bear fruit.
He gives me strength to live through the moment with hope. Praying His Word and receiving Him in the Eucharist give me this strength. I know that He is with me. He is the friend that never fails.

After a few more tries at working in my office, I decided to go out and take a walk. I saw the field covered with daisies. Yes, it's still winter; the daisies reminded me of spring.
In the winter of my heart, Jesus assures me of springtime.

Growing up

Growing up means listening to people but deciding for myself.
One of the paradoxes of our society is that, despite the greater possibilities of communication, more people intensely feel loneliness and isolation. So we try all the means we can to fit in, to, at least, find a few people whom we can call "friends". So we "shop around" to know people's tastes, their lifestyle, their values or ideologies, their faith. Then we try to pattern our life to theirs.
Of course there are also people who don't listen to the world outside because of stubbornness. This won't do, either. No one is perfect and we can see things better when we are confronted with others.
So where is growth, then?
To grow up means to listen to others because I am not the center of the world. Everything is not about me. But while listening, I decide for myself. I don't take everything hook, line and sinker, just because someone influential says so.
It takes patience because it needs time. I have to let what I hear sink deeper, but without self-recrimination, and trust that the Holy Spirit will help me to discern what is true and necessary in my life.
Change takes time. Real change has to start from within. People may think that nothing is happening because they only see what they see, and they tend to demand immediate results.
But I need to be patient with myself. The journey is long and lonely. I need to experience that Jesus loves me. It is His love that will transform my loneliness into a quiet union with Him in the secret of my heart.

Balls in the air

These days there are so many "balls in the air", an expression that I use when I find myself faced with so many pending things. By nature, these things tend to make me nervous. I prefer to do things one at a time. I enjoy the feeling of knowing I have finished something, that I have, sort of, "closed one drawer", even if it is something small or barely significant.
The irony is, it is these days that I experience very strongly the power of Jesus Christ. I am witness to so many miracles, big and, most of the time, small in my everyday life. Before I go to bed, I leave everything in the hands of Jesus. When I cannot seem to solve or to finish something, I consciously ask Jesus to take over. After all, I am just His instrument.
And I experience peace and a bit of humour, as I come more and more to the realization that I am not at the center. I am not the saviour of the world. This realization does not make me lazy. Nay, it makes me grateful.
I can do something. God involves me in His work of salvation, it doesn't matter whether what I do is big or small, visible or hardly seen. What is important is the love that God gives me that permeates my whole being, enabling me to give love, albeit an imperfect one.
Yesterday I had a sophia experience. These days I have been working on a little reflection about how we can improve our evangelization in Asia. It wasn't an easy work. I had to spend time and accept the contribution of others in order to, sort of, bring my reflection to maturity. I am happy with what I was able to produce. My boss was very appreciative, too. But the reflection is quite long and it needs to be reduced and the Italian has to be corrected. For a while, I felt protective of my work. It was as if I did not want anybody to touch it because I have worked hard for it. It is my baby.
Then a line from the Litay of Humility came to my mind: That others may be seen and I set aside.
O Jesus, how totally and radically different are your ways from our ways, from our natural sentiments.
Then I realized that I do not need praise. Even if others do not recognize or may never know my work, I am not deprived of anything. Having done something good is a joy in itself. And the learnings and insights I've gained, no one can take them away from me.

Not an opium

Karl Marx said that "religion is the opium of the people".
I disagree. My faith, my personal relationship with Jesus Christ, which I am re-discovering, thanks to Jesus Christ's grace and mercy, is not an opium.
First of all, I am not numbed to the realities of life. I feel very intensely the pain of a rejection, of unkindness, of doubt, of harshness, of violence and of injustice. On the other hand, I also see the hidden joys, the small acts of love, and the beauty that surrounds me, though I still have to grow some more in this aspect.
Secondly, my relationship with Jesus gives me a perspective that goes beyond myself. After being in touch with my feelings, without any excuses or denials, I go a further step: I tell myself that life is not about myself. I am not the center of the world. Things happen with or without my permission or contribution. This deflates my ego and prevents me from self-recrimination.
Thirdly, Jesus gives me a hope that is certain, that believes that "there is a morning after". It may take time, but even when apparently everything is at a standstill, or even regressing, the voice of hope, faint though it may be, resounds in my heart, assuring me that in the deepest and darkest recesses, the seed is growing. This hope makes patience and joy possible.
Fourthly, Jesus teaches me and enables me to go beyond the eye-for-an-eye adage. It is possible to offer the other cheek, to go the extra mile, to persevere knocking on the door.
Yes, believing in Jesus Christ changes my life. It doesn't become easier. It becomes meaningful.

From within

There was a period in my life when I have completely lost my self-esteem. I questioned my goodness, my beauty, my creativity, the sense of my life. I've concluded that the only contribution I can give is in manual work. So there was a point when I worked like crazy in cleaning the corridor and the toilet, in keeping things in order and in helping in the kitchen. It was not something that was forced upon me. No, I actually enjoyed doing them, and I still do. The point is, they were, for me, affirmations that I am worth something.
At around the same time I also read somewhere that one of the helps to get back self-esteem is to have an affirmation file. So I started a notebook where I wrote down lines of affirmation I received. This was also of help, and I am amazed at how I am appreciated and loved by many people.
However, I have come to realize that these are just "crutches" that will help me a little to get back to my feet, but they do not really give something deeper and stable on which to re-build my life.
I have to find that strength within me. I know that I have it. It is the presence of Jesus. His love that is faithful and gratuitous is the key to accept myself as imperfect and beautiful, beloved and saved every moment.

The joy of Jesus

I have come to realize that joy does not happen because everything is perfect. Things will never be perfect in this life, so if I wait for them to be before I expect joy, then I am in for a big and fatal disappointment.
Joy, true joy, comes from Jesus. He freely gives it to us but there is only one way to it, the royal road of the cross. However, Jesus also promised that this joy is lasting, that no one can ever take it away from us.
Early this morning I had a "sophia moment". Deep in my heart I heard the words, "Hide yourself in Jesus".
May I not want to be protagonist; rather, may I be happy when others are seen and I am set aside.
When what I do or who I am is not appreciated, then I should be happier because then, it is truly for God.
May I not have expectations from people; rather, may I always be grateful.

On loving myself

Coming from a third world and a formerly colonized country, I've always looked up to first world / western countries and their people.

When I was a child, it was always a treat for us when relatives from abroad, especially from the US, came bringing stuff from these countries.
On the other hand, being born and having grown up in the city, I "felt" a certain superiority over my relatives living in the province. It wasn't really something conscious on my part. It was part of life and custom then.
I guess, in a way, it has influenced my way of looking at myself and my attitudes and behavior. To people who were "superior" to me, I was with a certain deference; while to those who were "inferior", I exhibited a certain haughtiness or snobbishness, or I tended to be patronizing.
I am called to conversion in this area.
First, I have to let the truth, which I believe in, that "we are all equal; we are all beloved children of the Father", to sink from my head to my heart, so that it would penetrate my whole being and change my behavior.
Second, I need to allow God to love me. I need to bask in this unconditional love that is freely given to me. I think, despite the many moments I've spent in reflection and in prayer, I haven't really believed in this truth. It will take time since my mind, my whole way of looking at the world, have been influenced by the world's idea that "everything has to be earned". Believing in God's unconditional and freely offered love is my only salvation. This is what will liberate me from the tendency to be a people-pleaser, from letting myself be at the mercy of people and of events, from unjustly expecting that people and events dance to my tune so that I will be okay.
Third, I have to realistically accept myself. I am a good person; yet, I am still a person-becoming. I have the tendency to avoid conflict because I've always believed that it is very difficult to repair something already broken. This leads me, unconsciously, to "buy people" or to "hide my own feelings and opinion".
But in life, conflict is inevitable. It could even be a doorway to growth.
A little humor will certainly be helpful in this area. My life is not a telenovela. There are lousy days, and they are part of life, so I need not exaggerate about them.
In relation to this, as a first concrete step, I have changed my desktop with a lighter-color-motif. Maybe it is also time to change my blog theme. Let's see.
Hope is beckoning me.