The unnecessary word

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. (Ephesians 4:29)

I often think how much pain we could spare one another if only we learn to control our tongue. But more than the tongue, it is the heart that we must control, for it is from the abundance of the heart that the mouth speaks. Once in a while I catch myself saying so many unnecessary things. Often, they make people laugh because they seem so sharp and witty; but more often they leave a bad taste, at least when I think deeply about it. I cannot fool myself; so it is only I who know whether a comment I've uttered had a deeper meaning.
This leads me to think that if only I think more positively of people, my speech would be much different; maybe I wouldn't talk too much. This might make me boring in the eyes of people. I might lose friends and fans. I might look stupid in the eyes of people. Can I handle it?
It takes discipline and practice. But first it should start with the conviction that I am loved. I am God's Beloved, so I do not need anybody else's affirmation to make me feel secure. Wow, it's a tall order. After all, I cannot always hear God's voice affirming me, or His embrace giving me security. But if I just learn to read my life I will certainly see the presence of God permeating my life story.
Being God's Beloved is a free gift. I did not do anything to merit it. God gives it to me free of charge and there is nothing I can do to change that, not even if I refuse to accept Him. The gift will always be there for me.
But God loves not only me. He loves all His creatures. We are all His sons and daughters. No one is loved more; no one is loved less. We are loved according to our needs. God's heart is too big that it has room for everybody.
If God loves my brother and sister, how can I speak ill of them?
If there is no rancour, prejudice or envy in my heart, no unnecessary word will come out of my mouth.

Discernment

No matter how hard we try, we will never be one hundred percent sure of our decisions. But we have to make them. That is why discernment is necessary.
To discern is to wait, to pray, to read through events, to let go of fears and prejudices, to purify oneself from selfish agenda ...
After much prayer and reflection, at the end of the period of discernment, you don't hear a voice or see a writing on the wall that says "this is the course of action you must follow".
So you are left with trust, that after this discernment, regardless of whether your decision turns out right or wrong, since you have tried to arrive at it in truth with openness, sincerity and courage, God, who has always been with you will not leave you alone.

Goodbye

No matter how hard we try, some good things never last.

One of my best friends left for good our community. I have prepared myself for this leavetaking, but still I feel the pain. More and more I come to terms with the temporariness of everything. We get to know people, with more or less difficulties, we build relationships, dare to trust and to love, then it is time to let go. Is it then worth it to build deep friendships?

It is really a question for me and I am almost tempted to take the easy way out. Knowing myself, I know that I wouldn’t do that. I would always risk to love. I hope it is not only because of my type of personality or temperament, but because of a deep conviction that love is the essence of being a human person, created in the image and likeness of God. But I hope that my love becomes purer each day, freely received and freely given. I hope I don’t use “love” to assuage the “ache” within which only God can fill. In short, I hope I don’t love people for my own selfish reasons. It is not going to be easy. I would need to be very truthful to myself and have the courage to face aloneness.

I thank my friend for these years that we have been together. She has really been a good friend, very patient in listening to me, even to my “crazy” ruminations. She has been a good model of a religious in her coherence and passion for the mission.

Goodbye, my friend, go with God.

On being poor

In our poverty, we can generate life and re-awaken hope. We can make God's passage perceived on our streets, a God who transforms our heart and makes it humble, joyful, and confident. (Sr. Yvonne Reungoat, FMA)

As a young Sister, I have worked for many years with streetchildren and their families. It was not easy to work with them because I have come to see that poverty has so many ramifications and they are all inter-related: material, cultural, economic, spiritual, etc.
But I will never forget three things I have learned from them. In their poverty, in the lack of even the most basic necessities, they have taught me:
to know how to wait. It is not always easy to wait. Just a little space of inactivity seems to be a waste of time or an unbearable silence. But many things take time, and it is important, rather, imperative, to learn how to wait, and to believe that it is not an empty space. Something is happening in the depths. Trees take time to build strong roots. We don't see them on the surface but when a strong tempest comes, we know if they are present.
to be grateful. Those who have hardly anything are grateful for the little they have to get through the day. They don't lay claims on anything. That is not their priority. What is important for them is to survive just for the moment, just for the day; and if they do so, they are already happy and grateful.
to share what I receive. This is something that has really edified me. Even the toughest streetkid that I have met always thought about the brothers/sisters/parents left at home who did not have anything.
I don't condone poverty and misery as such because I believe that each person has a right to a dignified existence. But, come to think of it, poverty teaches us these lessons.
I am not living a hand-to-mouth existence but I do experience poverty everyday, when I come to terms with my limitations, with the reality that many things don't depend on me, that as much as I try to do my best, it doesn't guarantee that things, persons and situations will turn out well or be good to me.
As I come to terms with my poverty, I realize how much I need God. He is the Peace that will enable me to accept my poverty.
It is a journey. I haven't arrived yet, but each moment, each day is a call to move on.

Everything is gift

"But things slowly change. Ulcers heal, the scars disappear; first the physical ones, and later, much more slowly, the emotional ones. You feel strength again and old friends and old circles begin to open up again.
Health returns but it is different. Some of the old self-confidence is gone, replaced by a new sense of vulnerability and relativity that is immensely freeing.
You realize more clearly what is gift and what is earned. You know that you, on your own, cannot guarantee your own health, nor your attractiveness and desirability in love and friendship.
Stripped naked, weakened, and greatly humbled, you stop fighting, first because you are defeated, but later, when strength and resources return, because you realize that there is no reason to fight.
Life, health, love, it is all pure gift! You take less for granted and your old need to perform, to achieve, to dominate, to possess and impress, to win by effort what can only be received as gift, has been dealt a blow. It is painful, but freeing: painful because you realize that there is so little you can do; freeing because you realize that there is so little you have to do.
You begin to beg for conversion (even as you sense how difficult it is) because you would want to transvaluate all your values and priorities, your whole self, and begin life anew."

(Fr. Ronald Rolheiser, OMI)

God's peace

I went to Mass this morning at 9 am. The children's choir animated the Mass songs. I was happy and touched to hear the children's voices. It has been quite a while since I've heard a children's choir singing - such innocence and spontaneity, such fervour. Then they started to sing in Croatian the song "My peace I give unto you". I almost started crying. I felt that it was God's personal response to a request I made while I was praying my Lauds.
"My peace I give unto you. Bing, it is the peace that the world cannot give. It's the peace that the world cannot understand."
How good God is in wanting to reassure me. Bing, look nowhere else. It is I who give you the peace that your heart craves for. He is inviting me to believe, to trust that only He can give me peace.
The problem is, maybe I have another idea of peace. I just want that the ache in my heart, that the restlessness may disappear. I feel like my heart is an open wound that continues to ache. Hence, its healing is the peace that I want.
But maybe God has another peace in store for me. So I wait. I trust in His promise.

Don't quit

"For I know well the plans I have in mind for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare, not for woe! plans to give you a future full of hope. When you call me, when you go to pray to me, I will listen to you. When you look for me, you will find me. Yes, when you seek me with all your heart, you will find me with you, says the Lord." (Jeremiah 29:11-14)

A channel of your peace

God, make me a channel of your peace; a peace founded on the certainty that You love me and You take care of me, moment by moment, day by day.
Why is there no peace in my heart? Because there is an angst, a restlessness which I try to fill up with things, accomplishments, persons. For a time they might seem to give me what I want - but it is not peace. It is only a fascinating distraction that afterwards loses its charm. And I am off to square one, feeling restless, face to face with a void, searching, begging, trying for that which will satiate the thirst.
And so there is no peace within me because I just go on and on in this vicious circle.
And there is no peace outside of me because I relate with the world with an aggressive-possessive attitude, thinking that if I just "have" it, it will finally fill up the void.
It seems like I never learn my lesson. But God, you are patient with me. You never force Yourself on me. In Your silence, in Your weakness, You beckon me, You attract me and You draw me to Yourself.
Once drawn, you don't keep me imprisoned because this is against the nature of love.
God, grant me peace, just what I need for this moment, just what I need for today. I don't need to hoard this peace because in doing so, I lose it.
And make me an instrument of this peace.

Lifeless in Mother Mary's hands

If I were to describe my life right now, the image that comes to my mind is the Pietà. I see myself in Jesus' lifeless body lovingly held by Mother Mary. How long will I stay in this situation? I know and believe that ultimately, life will triumph; that mine is a future of joy and peace. But right now, I am just tired of the dark.
I have asked the Lord several times to give me a little respite, like an oasis in the desert - to dream of my mother, any dream that could pull me out of this deep and dark trap from which I am helpless to get out.
Even as I am writing this, there is a persistent voice that tells me to let go: of the past, of memories good or bad; of human respect and of people's expectations; of having everything clear and under control; of the love and esteem of people.
I feel that this is God's call for me. "Let go, for real. See, I am making something new, can you not see it?"