Shield

 

What shields us from pain might also shield us from growth.

Taking my life seriously

To fully live life is to decide to go through the painstaking process called growth. Growth requires patience and perseverance. Nothing that is valuable is ever achieved the easy way. Unfortunately, we look at waiting as a waste of time. We want to reach the top without any effort at all, using magical and instant solutions. Perhaps that is why we have no depth. That is why we run from one thrill to another, and another, and we are never satiated. That is why long-standing and permanent commitments are considered taboo. Fidelity is scoffed at as a sign of some personality disorder. Respect and decency are considered cowardice.
It is time to take our life seriously, after all, it is the only life we have. Let us not let the mob rule it. is this the life that I truly want? When I turn 80, will there be no regrets in the way I have lived my life? Will I be proud to say that, of course, my life is not perfect! I do have my share of failures and setbacks, but I tried to listen to the voice of my heart and live a life that is worth being called human.

Radiating God's light

We pray for all Consecrated women and men.
May the problems of the world not overwhelm us and turn us into angry reformists or complacent conformists.
May Jesus Christ be the Light from whom we draw the small and flickering lights that we carry to the world, offering joy and hope.
May love for God and neighbor be the only reason that motivates us and gives us the courage to sow seeds even when we do not see results, knowing that it is God who makes things grow in His own time.

The price of growing up

Our personal journey is mysterious and we cannot compare ours with another's, nor have easy recipes or prescriptions. There are common elements, but each one of us must grope in the dark. We make our journey and pay for it with our own blood, sweat and tears. This is the price of growth, and growth is a sign of life.

Where God leads us

Where God leads us is always the best place for us to grow.

Grown ups

Facing the consequences of one's choices sets apart the grown ups from the children. But it is the paradox of life that once in a while we see children who act more as grown ups and a lot of so-called grown ups engaging in tantrums like spoiled brats.
We are usually forgiving when people make mistakes. But it's the gall to twist the story, to beat around the bush, to engage in name-calling and dramatics, in short, everything to put the blame on others that really turns us off.

Bloom

We can never bloom until we decide to grow our roots in the soil where we are planted and dare to stretch out our branches to infinite horizons.

I will go to my father

Yes, four years ago what happened to the prodigal son happened to me. I have squandered my life. I didn't go into drugs or anything of that sort. But I did things for many wrong reasons.
Then something happened, the most hurting experience I have ever had in my life. What made it worse was I was alone to do the battle. Had it been something ordinary like an illness or a death in the family, I would have certainly received the comfort and assistance of a lot of people. Instead it was something that I could not even share with anybody out of fear that I would be misunderstood and condemned.
So I went through my days pretending that everything was okay. In fact, it seemed like nobody even noticed anything different. Except for a few. And when I say few they were really so few I can count them in one hand. Yet even to them, I cannot say anything. How can I say anything when I cannot even figure out what was happening in my life?
My situation continued for a few more months.
Then somehow I found a person to whom I could confide. I know that it was not by chance that this person has entered my life. She was God-sent. She seemed to remind me with her presence and her patience that although my pain was very real, my place was not there "with the pigs". But she did stay with me even as I continued to stay in that uncomfortable place. I knew that was not my place but I just felt so powerless to leave.
And so I stayed there for over a year: knowing in my head what I had to do, yet too powerless to do it. Sleepless nights were a common occurrence. Crying too, for no reason at all. My prayers became more frequent but only because I had to hold on to something or I will break. God became so true to me because of desperation. Yes, I had all the signs of depression.
Then somehow, this is the miracle, one day I just woke up with a feeling that that day was going to be the start of a new phase in my life.
I cannot explain it, but it did happen. My situation remained the same but somehow, each morning I woke up there was a little bit more hope and enthusiasm, and, little by little, I found my smile back.
I am now in a good place. I live every day with gratitude and trust. It is true what Pope Benedict XVI said, "If only everyone could experience the joy of being Christian, being loved by God who gave his Son for us!". Yes, even when we go back to God for all the wrong reasons, somehow like the prodigal son's father, they don't matter to him. What matters is we're back. He brings out the best robe and clothes; restores our dignity and organizes a feast for us.
Believing in the love of God hasn't exempted me from suffering and from doubts. But they no longer frighten me. I know that I am not alone. I am beloved. My God and I are one.

Adversity

Just as strong winds test the sturdiness of a tree, so does adversity demonstrate the strength of our character.

New life

It is one of the great paradoxes that in order to have life one must die. And what is death if not the cutting off of everything that is familiar!
When we were born we had to leave the security of our mother's womb. This deatchment is rendered more clearly by the cutting of the umbilical cord.
Then we pass on from the safety of our home to something bigger. On our first day in school we had to struggle, holding on to mommy's hand. It wasn't easy to let go of that familiar hand but we knew that we cannot go and run around with the other kids unless we let go of that hand.
And so our life is marked by different kinds of dying; some of them more painful and more permanent than the others. There is always the resistance to enter into the unknown, to let go of the present state of things since, for all its imperfections, the present state gives us a sense of security.
But you know, deep in your heart, that you have to make a choice. You may either let go of the present and enter into the unknown, armed only with the certainty that the One who has been with you through your many deaths will continue to be with you; or you may choose to resist, to wallow in bitterness and disappointment or to live in a dream world that is only in your mind .
We were born without our permission, but our birth into new life is a choice only we can make.

Psalms

Last Sunday while praying the Lauds I almost choked when we reached the part that says "I was punished, I was punished by the Lord, but not doomed to die" (Psalm 118).
I've never believed that God punishes us or puts us to the test. In fact, I often feel bad when people speak of their problems as God's test.
God is Father.
Perhaps in this day and age this affirmation doesn't mean anything; or worse, it may arouse something negative.
But when I say that God is Father, it means that I believe that God is the giver and sustainer of life. God wants nothing else but that we live to the full His gift of life.
So where does suffering enter? Well, this is how I understand it: Suffering is a "given", as a consequence of our creaturehood, our finite life, our imperfect world. That is why no one is exempt from suffering.
But to get back to Psalm 118...
While reciting it, I just thought of how the author of that Psalm, written thousands of years ago, has adequately expressed something that is mine. I, too, experienced the depth of suffering. I've "kissed dirt". I thought there was no way out. I thought the pain would never end...
But here I am...
Once in a while the thought of how much I've suffered still comes back...
the ache in the heart...
but it's a quiet ache, a reminder to forgive;
a gentle assurance that, indeed, things get better.
The psalmist expressed it so well, yes, God did not let me die. "I shall live and recount his deeds."

Believing in true love

Today, as I celebrate and thank God for the wonderful gift of life, I look back and see my journey with its ups and downs. There have been unpleasant experiences, difficult episodes and long periods of doubt and darkness. When they happened I just wanted them to come to an end. I think nobody wants to suffer. Every person wants to cut short the difficult part. No one would want to stay for long in an uncertain period of waiting. But somehow, as I look back, I know that I have tried to face them. I did not escape them. I have paid them my due. And little by little the pain eased. It took time but finally, the dawn has come.
I can truly say with Saint Paul that "for those who love God everything works together unto good". What is paradoxical is, I really had to experience with my own flesh this truth in order to make it my own personal truth.
Why do we need to suffer? Why do we have to pass through the crucible of solitude, of defeat, of betrayal, of despair? Is there no other way to grow except through the way of the cross? Perhaps. But what I know is, all men and women have to pass through the narrow door, so that in the process of pruning and purification we may come to the truth that really matters: we are loved in a unique and personal way.
When we come to terms with our imperfections and shadows, we can either wallow in despair or choose to cling to Someone and believe that we are loved just as we are, no ifs nor buts.
I choose to believe in that Love.

On the pains of growing

There are no shortcuts to growth. And there are no proxies, either.

Growing up

To grow up means to pass from needing what you want to wanting what you need.

Growth

For every experience, there is always something to learn. Sometimes it takes time and a lot of tears. But if we are open to God, the heart just stops resisting and we learn the lesson at the right time.

Out of tune

One thing that really irritates me a lot is when one is out of tune, whether an out of tune voice or an out of tune musical element. I am basically a calm person but this is really my Achilles' heel.
These days I have to exercise a lot of concentration and self-discipline so as to keep my impatience in check. There are sisters who seem to be clueless that they are out of tune. Worse is when it is the accompaniment itself that is out of tune.
But our accompanist manages to get back to the music, so eventually we end at the right note.
It makes me think of God. I am sure that in His musical score, every note, every silence, every rhythm has its reason and contributes to the whole melody. Often, though, we go astray, wanting to sing our own tune even if it is out of sync. And God respects our choice.
So we make mistakes, big or small. We go astray, in one or more measures.
But nothing is really wasted because if we are truthful and humble enough, our mistakes give us a lot of lessons.
And eventually we find our way back to the musical score.
And we go through the same journey again, and again, and again ...
That is life.

Growing up

Though at first the heart rebels, reason has a reason. It is the journey from rebellion to quiet acceptance that makes us mature persons.

To my past pupils

Dear young ladies,

It gives me great joy whenever I log in to my FB account and see your faces, your messages and any news about your life. I cannot believe that just a little over ten years ago you were the simple, carefree and good-hearted teen-agers I had the blessing to teach CLE. Oh my, how you have all grown. Some of you are now married and with your own children. Some have pursued the careers they were only dreaming about ten years ago. Sadly, one (as far as I know) has already gone back to the Father’s house. Many of you are in different parts of the globe.

Pardon me, and I hope you don’t get offended, but beneath the make up, the fancy clothes and the sophisticated expressions, I still see the wide-eyed girls full of curious questions, eager, yet a little fearful to march ahead and carve your own path.

I remember the times when I couldn’t finish the CLE lessons because of your questions, or because of other activities that “steal” the CLE time. You didn’t know it, but I was nervous that we wouldn’t finish the scheduled lessons in time for the periodical exams.

I remember our prayer moments to celebrate each lesson. How we had to push the benches in the chapel in order for you to squat on the floor. I know you liked those prayer moments because it meant “no formal lessons, no recitations”. But I also know that in the end, you enjoyed them because they were moments for you to enter into your heart, to think about your life. I believed in those prayer moments, even if they meant risking that we wouldn’t finish our lessons, because I knew that they were the rare quality moments you could spend with Jesus, and I know that if I didn’t accompany you to encounter Jesus, I would not have given you what is best.

I remember your journals. I know I was very demanding by asking you to write on them very often. But hey, it was more demanding for me, since I wanted to read each of your reflections and respond to them. Your journal entries were very precious to me, as they gave me the chance to know the person within, the person you were sometimes afraid to show in public.

I don’t know what came to me that I decided to write you this letter. It could be Kathrina’s forthcoming wedding. I just want to thank you for the experiences that we have shared together. Just thinking about you fills my heart with joy. You are all part of who I am. Thank you.

No one of us is ever the same. Each day we are called to make choices, big or small. Some choices are easy, some take a lot of courage. Some have long-lasting consequences. Each of our choices contribute in building the person that we are, yes, even the mistakes that we make.

My wish and my prayer for each one of you is to be happy with who you are, yet be open to become better persons. When I say better, I do not mean “become more beautiful, more popular, more successful, have more money”, or whatever it is that is usually equated with success. What I mean is, that you may truly be happy with a joy that nobody can take away. Success, money, material things, friends, even family are not permanent things in life. No matter how hard we work to assure that they last, they never do. Believe me, I have experienced it.

My prayer for you is that you may truly encounter Jesus in your life. Let Him be the rock on which to build your life. The choices that may make you enjoy now may later be your suffering, if they are not compatible with the message of Jesus and with God’s dream for you.

Wherever you are, I hope you keep in touch with each other, especially with your closest friends in high school. They are the ones who truly know you. They are the ones who will remain with you when the going gets rough. Reach out to your former classmates who are maybe awkward to reach out to you. Pray for each other. Prayer enlarges our heart and makes us think of others. It cures us of our selfishness. Remember that a selfish person will never be happy.

Tomorrow is the feast of the Immaculate Conception. In the Salesian world, it is considered as the birth of Don Bosco’s work. I will, for sure, remember you in my prayers in a special way.

May God bless each one of you. May He wipe away the tears of those of you who are suffering at this moment. May you rest in the firm conviction that our God is a loving Father who takes care of our daily needs.

I love you all in the love of Jesus.

Traces of God

These days at Mass, we are reading the book of Exodus. In it Moses is referred to as the person "who spoke to God face to face, as one man speaks to another", yet even Moses did not see God in all His glory because no man sees God and still lives.
But God told Moses, "When my glory passes I will set you in the hollow of the rock and will cover you with my hand until I have passed by. Then I will remove my hand, so that you may see my back; but my face is not to be seen."
Deep in each person's heart is the desire to know God. Maybe many of us do not know that it is God we are searching for as we search for joy, peace, life, serenity. Many times we do not realize that the unquenchable thirst, the angst that come to us once in a while, is the heart searching for God.
We cannot see God in His full glory, after all, we are limited creatures! But God shows Himself to us after He has passed us by.
We cannot see God face to face. We cannot fully comprehend Him. Otherwise, we would be God, too. But God is present in our every day life. And it is only on hindsight that we become aware of His presence, when we look back and review our experiences. We see that we are never alone. We see God's traces in our daily life.
So why continue to search for God? In reality, it is in our search for Him that we grow and we discover who we truly are.

Joseph's story is every person's story

These days we have been reading the story of Joseph and his brothers. This story has always fascinated me since I was a child. Joseph - the chosen one, the fair-skinned son of the beloved wife.
Joseph has certainly lived a charmed life as a boy, but everything ended in a flash. He certainly wasn't prepared for that fateful day when his life took an unexpected turn. Tired of being second best and of being lumped together in the generic term "Jacob's other sons", Joseph's brothers wanted to get rid of him. The first plan was to kill him, but one brother interceded "let's just sell him to the travelling merchants..."
Joseph pleaded, after all, these are his brothers. They have the same father, they ate at the same table. But the brothers' hearts have already been hardened. Envy and jealousy have a way of killing whatever spark of reason there is.
Then begins Joseph's many adventures...
From being sold as a slave, to being jailed, to being a high official in Egypt, second only to the Pharaoh himself.
It is a real dumpsters-to-throne story.
It takes only a few chapters of the book of Genesis to see how Joseph's life story had a happy ending.
In real life, it must not have been very easy for Joseph. Who knows how many nights he laid awake trembling with fear while he was with the caravan of the travelling merchants. What did he feel everytime he remembered his brothers' treachery and betrayal? How long did he struggle to accept that he was now alone in a hostile and foreign world, and that he would never see his beloved father again? Did he ever blame himself for what happened? Did revenge ever enter his mind? What about death, did he ever think of death as a sweet end to everything?
The Bible doesn't give answers to these questions, but given the number of years that it took before he ever saw his brothers again, I am sure that Joseph did not even imagine that his life would have not only a happy, but a glorious ending!
I guess Joseph's story is the story of every man and woman.
There are times in our life when we feel that there is no way out, that we have already exhausted all our options, that everything conspires to lead us to a downward spiral. There are many experiences that just don't make sense, no matter how much time and attention we give to dissecting them. There is just nothing in them for us except suffering.
But somehow, we survive, in different ways.
These experiences change us.
Probably for many of us, our stories will not have Joseph's perfect ending, that is, full closure, with people and events that have treated us badly, trampled our self-esteem and forced us to go on a very lonely journey.
For many of us, the happy ending will be something "quiet", like when we come to realize that, indeed, something good has happened out of the bad blows that life has dealt us with.
We do not know how long it will take before we arrive at this realization. That is why we need the presence of Someone who can be our deep center, Someone who will not give us the answers like a vendo machine, but Someone who will keep us company as we go through the journey's ups and downs, lights and shadows.
God will help us to read the beautiful stories that He writes with our life's crooked lines.