Advent is waiting

We are in the Advent season. It is the four-week preparation for Christmas.

I have made a resolution for this Advent. I am not going to play any Christmas song. I will let Advent be Advent, a period of waiting, a period of longing. I hope that as the days advance, the longing for Jesus will be more intense.

I know that in the coming days I will be bombarded by Christmas songs, Christmas lights and decorations, parties here and there, Christmas greetings to send, gifts to pack, etc.

In many ways, instead of preparing us for Christmas, these things make us tired and, at times, exhausted, to really celebrate Christmas when it comes.

This year, I will not rush Christmas. I will let Advent be Advent. I will watch and pray. I will wait. It is not easy. Our society is quite allergic to waiting. Everywhere quality is measured when waiting time is lessened or totally cancelled.

But it is in waiting that we come to discover and fortify the strength that is already within us. Waiting purifies us. Waiting makes us see what it is that really matters in our lives.

Waiting requires discipline. But more than discipline, waiting needs a soul in order to persevere.

We wait in hope even when the waiting is long.

We wait in faith because we believe that God is true to His word.

We wait in love because God has loved us first.

Advent is waiting in hope, faith and love.

In front of life

Life is too short to bear ill will against anybody.
And even more than this very practical reason, we have as model God's love. It is for all. It doesn't discriminate.
It is totally gratuitous. It doesn't depend on whether we are good or bad, or on whether we accept it or not.
If I will just look at life and at my experiences from this perspective, my attitude will change.
I'll learn to be more grateful, without clinging on the good that happens in my life.
I'll be more trusting and forgiving, believing that each person tries his/her best, that we do not really mean to hurt each other.
I'll be more joyful. I, with my limitations, am not in control. There is a loving Power in whose hands my life and my history rest. I will not be afraid because He has the last word, and it is "mercy".

Life after "death"

Do we ever get used to saying goodbye? Or should we? I think no. Saying goodbye helps us to experience the depths of our human condition. It leads us to a much deeper understanding of what it means to live life in its mystery and its wholeness. We ought not to be afraid of the partings that life asks of us. Nor ought we to hold back in giving ourselves fully to love, to the wonderful growth opportunities of investing ourselves in people and events.
We may be harshly bruised by life's farewells, but it is possible to be healed. We can become whole again. I believe that if we are willing to move inside the heart of the experience, to live patiently through the process even as we acknowledge the difficult, painful emotions, that we can experience the wonder of spiritual growth and the marvel of new depths of faith in our relationship with God and with others.
Goodbyes will always be with us. So will hellos. Praying a goodbye can bring us to the doorway of new beginnings. The seed of resurrection in our souls will grow again.

From the book "Praying our Goodbyes" by Joyce Rupp

God provides

Today is a miracle day!
I woke up very early because I had to catch an early train for an out of town meeting. I wanted to participate at the 6:30 am Mass before my departure. I did that. The trip was very calm and I managed to pray and make my meditation along the way. At around 8:15 I arrived at the place of the meeting and, surprise, another Mass was going on. So I had my second Mass. Then I had a fast but very good breakfast, chatting with some people I know.
The morning was full but very interesting. The group is preparing itself for the World Youth Day next year in Madrid. The invited guests answered very well and very profoundly the questions asked them. During our short break, I managed to catch up with some of the people I know.
Then it was time for lunch, and it was good and in a very cheerful atmosphere, despite the fact that I don't know many of the people present.
Unfortunately I had to leave right after lunch for a community commitment. I took the train once again and met a Filipina lady working in that zone. We were together on the train all the way to Rome. We had a good chat and she told me her story. I was edified by her strength and kindness. She has suffered a lot in life but she exudes a quiet and cheerful goodness. I was actually planning to take a nap during the trip back to Rome, but somehow with this lady, my plan was changed.
When I arrived home, I learned, thanks to a good friend, that prayer time was changed, and all the while I thought I could do a little work before prayer time. So I went to the chapel to pray vespers with the community. Then we had practice for our short program tomorrow. I was resigned to having to stay up to do two things I have to finish. But, surprise again, we finished our practice, I got to do the two things I needed to finish and I even had a little time for my private prayer.
So what is so miraculous about this day? First of all, I started it with a little pessimism, that feeling that bugs your heart when you feel that you have no choice and you just have to do things. Second, because I am finishing the day tired but with a very light and joyful heart. Third, because I am going to bed early.
I had an extra full day, not through any fault of mine. I lifted it up to the Lord and He provided. He is never outdone in generosity.

From the other side

I had lunch with two Sisters yesterday, one of whom is a very wise person. One of the topics of our conversation was the presence of some Sisters who are so attentive that their actions tend to exasperate the objects of their attention. She said that she believes that most of them really do what they do with goodness of heart. However, it is the exaggeration that tends to suffocate and turn people off.
Then we talked about her family and how, being the youngest, she had too much attention from everybody, that until now, during their family gatherings, she has to remind them that she is already a grown-up lady. It could be one reason why she detests this exaggerated attention.
I told her that I am grateful for this sharing. It enabled me to look at myself from another perspective. You see, I am one who tends to exaggerate. Being the eldest in the family, I had certain responsibilities. Perhaps, in many ways, I have conformed my way of thinking, speaking, behaving and doing things, to what is expected of an eldest. Being the eldest is one of the major factors that have influenced the shaping of my personality.
I am not making a judgment here. I just got this insight from this sharing of my Sister. I suddenly got a view of myself from the other side. Yes, it is possible that what I consider as small gestures of affection through which I want to show my love concretely, could be suffocating, controlling and smothering.
It is really important to listen and to take a step back. It is necessary to try, as much as possible, to be clear about my motivations. Others are entitled to their own interpretation and judgment. I should try to enter into dialogue, if possible, to arrive at the best possible clarification.
It is not an easy process. It necessitates great humility to see myself with sincerity, according to what is deep in my heart. It requires courage to look in the face and accept the mistakes, the subterfuges, the judgments. It asks me to have great hope that I am always in the making. I try, I fail, I try again.
This is a lifelong process.

Persevere

This seems to be God's message for me. Yesterday evening I did a little reading before going to sleep. Mother Anna Maria Canopi responded to an interview about "love, poverty and sobriety". She said that we should continue to love even if it is unreciprocated. In fact, we should love all the more because in being treated with indifference, in being rejected or even persecuted, we all the more resemble Jesus.
The second reading of the Office of Readings also speak about perseverance, not to get tired in doing what I have to do, not to grow weary in asking. If God immediately gives us consolations, we lose the opportunity to show love and hope.
The Gospel reading is the parable of the insistent widow and the corrupt judge. In the end she obtains what she was asking for because of her perseverance.
So why then do I persevere? It could be for many reasons: to "twist the other's arm" so that I finally obtain what I am asking; to express the hope that is in me; to show a patient and unconditional love; to conform myself more and more unto Christ.
I would never arrive at a perfectly pure motivation. There is always the personal element that plays a part (sometimes quite a big part) in my choices. But with awareness and a few tears here and there, slowly, through God's great love and mercy I persevere.

Fragile

Some issues in my life have reached a certain level of resolution. I cannot say that they are "resolved" according to how I would prefer resolution to be. Polly's ideals have been shattered. My experiences have opened my eyes to the fact that life is on the move. I cannot freeze time. I cannot frame an experience. Things will not be and will never be the same again.
There are times when I am tempted to go to the roots of things and try to understand and look for answers and explanations, but all I get are "maybe's". There are so many maybe's. I know, deep in my heart, that I would never know the answer.
And come to think of it, if I knew the answer, would it undo the situation, or ease the suffering?
So I live through this mystery; indeed, I live in this mystery.
I have simplified my goal. I no longer aim to solve or to resolve it. Mysteries are not solved. But everyday I can let an aspect of this mystery illumine my life: my attitudes, my choices, my values, my treasures.
I feel a certain level of peace, but it is very fragile. Maybe it will always be so, and it is better this way. It reminds me of my creatureliness in need of a great God.
"We hold this treasure in earthen vessels, that the surpassing power may be of God and not from us. We are afflicted in every way, but not constrained; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed." (2 Cor 4:7-9)

The miracle

It is the power of God that empowers me. It is the wisdom of God that indicates to me the way, though it be a lonely road. It is the peace of God that enables me to live through each moment, especially the lonely and painful ones, without despairing. It is the patience and the kindness of God that gives me the strength to graciously deal with difficult people and circumstances.
All throughout this long, difficult and enlightening experience, I have realized that I need to face my experience straight in the eye, to give it the attention that it deserves, to shed tears if need be, to admit my mistakes and my impure motivations. It is okay to ask "why" it happened, but this shouldn't be the last question.
In every experience, God speaks. In the most hurting experiences, He speaks louder. What lessons does this experience teach me? What direction will my life take after this?
And throughout this whole process, I recognize and I entrust myself to a Power that is far greater than me. This Power loves me. This Power is a Father, my Heavenly Father who created me out of love and who, daily, moment by moment, sustains me with His love.
I am not a lost soul condemned to forever go around begging for a little affection. I am a Daughter, a beloved daughter, and in the Father I have all the love that I need. I just have to see this miracle that happens every day of my life.

God is our peace

God does not provide us with answers; rather, He indicates the way. We are not puppets in God's hands. He has gifted us with intellect and freedom. We glorify Him and we recognize our dignity when we use them correctly.
No matter how much we try, we do not always achieve the best results according to our criteria or expectations. We are not an island and our choices and their consequences are intertwined with other people's. Interdependence is a natural law of life.
So nobody really goes through life with unsoiled hands or with eyes unstained by tears. Our hearts get wounded, and for a time we may be paralyzed by the terror of making another mistake. But every person has an innate resilience. The moment comes when you just feel the need to get up and move on. Your heart will just tell you that you cannot live without taking a risk; that life is a trial-and-error; that the greatest mistake you can make is not to want to commit a mistake.
This realization does not come from our own efforts. Indeed, I have experienced that the more I tried to understand, the more I plunged myself into the darkness of self-pity, of suspicion, of hurt. This does not mean that we do not have to try to understand our experiences, or just to go through life superficially. No, instead, it means that we recognize that there is a power beyond us - God. He gives us peace to live through the most hurting experiences with trust and hope. He is the voice within that tells us that it is time to move on.