Searching for God's face

When I started this blog two years ago, I did it as a sort of experiment, to try my hand on this new technology. I had my own reservations as to writing down my deepest thoughts and experiences and sharing them online, so I opted to use a pseudonym. I even had a hard time looking for a title for this blog.
Looking back, I can see that everything has been a blessing. The title, "Everyday Compassion" is how I want to describe God. He is a God of the ordinary. He is a God who is with me in the monotony of daily life, in the exciting adventures, in my little victories and in my failures. As I read through the postings I've made these past two years, indeed, the face of God as "Everyday Compassion" emerges.
I wouldn't have arrived at this point if He hadn't stayed on patiently with me. God's greatest gift to me is not His magically resolving my problems or getting me out of my difficulties. His greatest gift is His choice to stay with me, in good and in bad times. He is truly Emmanuel, God-with-us.

The quiet joy that Jesus gives

Wow, 2010 is almost over! It hasn't exactly been an easy year. Once in a while I still feel that biting ache in my heart. Will it be there forever, haunting my life from time to time? A favorite author of mine says yes, because that is the human person's unending search for God.
However, I believe that I am making progress. I am moving forward. Even the physical signs of tiredness, insomnia, excessive weight loss and melancholy have greatly diminished.
But I still have to continue each day - to try my best to approach life and circumstances with more hope. May I always remember that Jesus has won, and is always giving me the joy that no one can take away.
I've always thought that joy and sorrow can never co-exist. But more and more I realize that it is sorrow that exposes mirth for what it is, superficial and transitory. It is not joy.
Joy is quiet. Joy is pure. Joy lasts because it doesn't depend on people, things and circumstances.
Only Jesus gives me this joy and He has promised that no one can take it away.

Christmas without Christ

These days I am treating myself to viewing feel-good Christmas movies. They really make me feel good, albeit a little bit nostalgic, with their message of family, love, forgiveness, faith. They almost succeed in selling the idea that miracles still do happen.
I have a problem, though. In almost all of these movies, the protagonist that personifies the Christmas spirit is ... Santa Claus. Well, he isn't really a bad guy. He loves kids, gives gifts to the good ones. He is jolly and kind. He wants to make people happy. He seems to embody everything that is ideal so that there would be harmony, joy and love.
But in reality, this is not really something originally Santa Claus'.
It is Jesus Christ who embodies these ideals.
Before Jesus came, the best the human race could come up with, in terms of governing relationships is the eye-for-an-eye-rule.
But Jesus, through His life and His teachings, has showed us that we can go beyond that. We can go the extra mile, we can turn the other cheek, we can love our enemies and pray for those who hate us. And it is this which makes harmony, joy and love possible.
So, move aside, Santa dear. Let us make way for Jesus. Let us put back Christ in Christmas. With Christ in our lives, everyday can be Christmas.

Happy birthday, Jesus

When You came to this world more than 2000 years ago, very few people welcomed You.
This Christmas day and always, may You find a home in my heart and in the hearts of my family, friends and loved ones.
Happy birthday, Jesus. Thank you for loving me.

The Gift

Christmas is a season of gifts.

We spend a lot of time thinking of gifts, saving for them, looking for them, buying or preparing them, wrapping them. For a lot of people, even the wrapping of gifts is a big enterprise.

But we also like, nay, we enjoy a lot receiving gifts, not the promotional ones coming from anonymous people and companies, but gifts from people we know, people who matter most in our lives.

So Christmas is like a season of anticipating and savouring gifts.

I hope we don't forget that these gifts are mere trifles when compared with The Gift: Jesus, the babe in Bethlehem who is God-made-flesh.

Beautifully wrapped gifts have a way of attracting our attention, as we anticipate what is inside.

When The Gift came, more than 2,000 years ago, He did not cause any fanfare, no promotional blitz, no blinking lights, no colourful packaging. He was born in a manger, wrapped in swaddling clothes, in the company of Mary, Joseph and some shepherds. In the quiet of the night, The Gift came welcomed by the poorest.

It is a very meaningful message. Jesus is The Gift for everybody. With the coming of Jesus, no person can ever be poor as to possess nothing. We have the greatest Gift and He freely comes to each one of us.

Will I receive Him, will I see in this poor and simple babe My Saviour, My Greatest Gift and Treasure?



I wish you a happy Christmas. May you be filled with peace as you receive in your heart and in your life the Prince of Peace.

Georgina's gentle heart

"Keep clinging to the Rock! Fear not my loving friend and try to smile outwardly even when your gentle heart is breaking."
This line comes from one of Sr. Georgina's last email messages to me. Early this year, she got really sick and she now lives in a nursing home. She is undergoing therapy and, little by little, she has started to walk again.
Yesterday I got a surprise call from Sr. Anne, another Sister from her community. Sr. Georgina asked her to give me a ring and to give me her love.
I cried. This Sister, who has been sick for a long time, and who is taking slow and painful steps to get back on her feet again, this Sister has thought, nay, is thinking about me.
Dear, good Sr. Georgina, it is not I who have a gentle heart. It is you who have it. You have been with me in the most difficult moments of my life. You have kept watch with me as I contemplated, in my own life, the mystery of the cross - when my mother died, when I left my country to live in a foreign land, when my sister left the Institute, when I struggled with a very painful experience of rejection, and now as I live in my flesh the solitude of midlife transitions.
For me Sr. Georgina is like a lighthouse, an assurance, especially in a tempest, to keep rowing or to keep swimming because there is dry land.
Thank you, Sr. Georgina, for being an expression of God's tender mercies. Thank you for sharing with me your good and gentle heart.

PS. By the way she ended her message with these words "Sr. Georgina friend forever through thick and thin."

Community life, our furnace

Life in community does not keep the darkness away. To the contrary. It seems that the light that attracted me to L'Arche also made me conscious of the darkness in myself. Jealousy, anger, the feeling of being rejected or neglected, the sense of not truly belonging - all of these emerged in the context of a community striving for a life of forgiveness, reconciliation, and healing. Community life has opened me up to the real spiritual combat: the struggle to keep moving toward the light precisely when the darkness is so real.
As long as I lived by myself, it seemed rather easy to keep the elder son hidden from view. But the sharing of life with people who are not hiding their feelings soon confronted me with the elder son within. There is little romanticism to community life. There is the constant need to keep stepping out of the engulfing darkness onto the platform of the father's embrace.

From "The Return of the Prodigal Son" by Henri Nouwen

Mary

Today is the feast of the Immaculate Conception. We, Catholics, believe that Mary, in the first instance of her conception, by a singular privilege and grace granted by God, in view of the merits of Jesus Christ, the Saviour of the human race, was preserved free from all stain of original sin.

Too much focus has been placed on this singular privilege granted to Mary that, perhaps, I have failed to see what is the Immaculate Conception's message for me.

In Mary, I find the heights to which a person can arrive when she/he allows her/himself to be totally loved by God. It is God who has loved us first. This loving God does not make our life easy, but if we just follow Him our lives acquire meaning.

Many of us have been formed in a moralistic faith that puts the focus on our efforts to do good, to make sacrifices in order to be pleasing to God. In reality, it is God who has reached out to us first, who has sacrificed Himself for us. When I contemplate the person of Jesus, I see not a vindictive or a "law enforcer" God, but a God who delights in the company of sinners, who rejoices when the one lost sheep is found.

Mary is not a statue we pray to when we don't have any other options. She is a living presence who continues to show us the way, to encourage us that the only way to happiness is to live our lives with God. Only God can give us the fullness of life, the home and the love that all of us have a nostalgia for.

A tie that binds

There are certain moments in life when an experience just overwhelms you. It involves your whole being in a very deep way that your mind fails to describe it and, much more, to understand it. Words are scarce, yet the experience is very real, touching your inmost being.
I have come across a reflection of Joyce Rupp in a book entitled "Praying our Goodbyes". It is a very clear description of what I am going through, what I have been going through these past months. It is as if I have finally found the words to describe to myself this experience.
It is like taking another step forward. One other realization I had is that, I am not alone. Many other men and women have walked and are walking the same path.
I pray for these people who, with tear-stained faces, soiled hands and bruised feet, still try to go through the journey. They are my kindred spirits.

Healing

Lord, I know that Your love is healing.

He will wipe away the tears

"On this mountain the Lord of hosts will provide for all peoples a feast of rich food and choice wines, juicy, rich food and pure, choice wines. On this mountain he will destroy the veil that veils all peoples, the web that is woven over all nations; he will destroy death forever. The Lord God will wipe away the tears from all faces." Isaiah 25:6-8

For me, this is the Bible's most tender description of God. How often this image has given me comfort especially in my most difficult moments.
I see a God who leaves aside His other concerns, and for that moment only has me as His concern.
I see a God whose full and undivided attention is focused on me.
I see a God whose right hand caresses my tear-stained face, while his left hand holds me close to His heart, stroking my head and my back until my sobs fade away.
This image of God gives me a lot of comfort. It doesn't take away my problem. It doesn't solve my issue.
But it gives me a renewed strength and self-confidence. I am not alone in the struggle. Despite any mess I may have been through or I may have created, I can always go home to Someone who loves me unconditionally. He believes in me and this faith makes me believe that no matter how long the journey, I will find again the song in my heart.

"Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning." Psalm 30:5

Advent is waiting

We are in the Advent season. It is the four-week preparation for Christmas.

I have made a resolution for this Advent. I am not going to play any Christmas song. I will let Advent be Advent, a period of waiting, a period of longing. I hope that as the days advance, the longing for Jesus will be more intense.

I know that in the coming days I will be bombarded by Christmas songs, Christmas lights and decorations, parties here and there, Christmas greetings to send, gifts to pack, etc.

In many ways, instead of preparing us for Christmas, these things make us tired and, at times, exhausted, to really celebrate Christmas when it comes.

This year, I will not rush Christmas. I will let Advent be Advent. I will watch and pray. I will wait. It is not easy. Our society is quite allergic to waiting. Everywhere quality is measured when waiting time is lessened or totally cancelled.

But it is in waiting that we come to discover and fortify the strength that is already within us. Waiting purifies us. Waiting makes us see what it is that really matters in our lives.

Waiting requires discipline. But more than discipline, waiting needs a soul in order to persevere.

We wait in hope even when the waiting is long.

We wait in faith because we believe that God is true to His word.

We wait in love because God has loved us first.

Advent is waiting in hope, faith and love.

In front of life

Life is too short to bear ill will against anybody.
And even more than this very practical reason, we have as model God's love. It is for all. It doesn't discriminate.
It is totally gratuitous. It doesn't depend on whether we are good or bad, or on whether we accept it or not.
If I will just look at life and at my experiences from this perspective, my attitude will change.
I'll learn to be more grateful, without clinging on the good that happens in my life.
I'll be more trusting and forgiving, believing that each person tries his/her best, that we do not really mean to hurt each other.
I'll be more joyful. I, with my limitations, am not in control. There is a loving Power in whose hands my life and my history rest. I will not be afraid because He has the last word, and it is "mercy".

Life after "death"

Do we ever get used to saying goodbye? Or should we? I think no. Saying goodbye helps us to experience the depths of our human condition. It leads us to a much deeper understanding of what it means to live life in its mystery and its wholeness. We ought not to be afraid of the partings that life asks of us. Nor ought we to hold back in giving ourselves fully to love, to the wonderful growth opportunities of investing ourselves in people and events.
We may be harshly bruised by life's farewells, but it is possible to be healed. We can become whole again. I believe that if we are willing to move inside the heart of the experience, to live patiently through the process even as we acknowledge the difficult, painful emotions, that we can experience the wonder of spiritual growth and the marvel of new depths of faith in our relationship with God and with others.
Goodbyes will always be with us. So will hellos. Praying a goodbye can bring us to the doorway of new beginnings. The seed of resurrection in our souls will grow again.

From the book "Praying our Goodbyes" by Joyce Rupp

God provides

Today is a miracle day!
I woke up very early because I had to catch an early train for an out of town meeting. I wanted to participate at the 6:30 am Mass before my departure. I did that. The trip was very calm and I managed to pray and make my meditation along the way. At around 8:15 I arrived at the place of the meeting and, surprise, another Mass was going on. So I had my second Mass. Then I had a fast but very good breakfast, chatting with some people I know.
The morning was full but very interesting. The group is preparing itself for the World Youth Day next year in Madrid. The invited guests answered very well and very profoundly the questions asked them. During our short break, I managed to catch up with some of the people I know.
Then it was time for lunch, and it was good and in a very cheerful atmosphere, despite the fact that I don't know many of the people present.
Unfortunately I had to leave right after lunch for a community commitment. I took the train once again and met a Filipina lady working in that zone. We were together on the train all the way to Rome. We had a good chat and she told me her story. I was edified by her strength and kindness. She has suffered a lot in life but she exudes a quiet and cheerful goodness. I was actually planning to take a nap during the trip back to Rome, but somehow with this lady, my plan was changed.
When I arrived home, I learned, thanks to a good friend, that prayer time was changed, and all the while I thought I could do a little work before prayer time. So I went to the chapel to pray vespers with the community. Then we had practice for our short program tomorrow. I was resigned to having to stay up to do two things I have to finish. But, surprise again, we finished our practice, I got to do the two things I needed to finish and I even had a little time for my private prayer.
So what is so miraculous about this day? First of all, I started it with a little pessimism, that feeling that bugs your heart when you feel that you have no choice and you just have to do things. Second, because I am finishing the day tired but with a very light and joyful heart. Third, because I am going to bed early.
I had an extra full day, not through any fault of mine. I lifted it up to the Lord and He provided. He is never outdone in generosity.

From the other side

I had lunch with two Sisters yesterday, one of whom is a very wise person. One of the topics of our conversation was the presence of some Sisters who are so attentive that their actions tend to exasperate the objects of their attention. She said that she believes that most of them really do what they do with goodness of heart. However, it is the exaggeration that tends to suffocate and turn people off.
Then we talked about her family and how, being the youngest, she had too much attention from everybody, that until now, during their family gatherings, she has to remind them that she is already a grown-up lady. It could be one reason why she detests this exaggerated attention.
I told her that I am grateful for this sharing. It enabled me to look at myself from another perspective. You see, I am one who tends to exaggerate. Being the eldest in the family, I had certain responsibilities. Perhaps, in many ways, I have conformed my way of thinking, speaking, behaving and doing things, to what is expected of an eldest. Being the eldest is one of the major factors that have influenced the shaping of my personality.
I am not making a judgment here. I just got this insight from this sharing of my Sister. I suddenly got a view of myself from the other side. Yes, it is possible that what I consider as small gestures of affection through which I want to show my love concretely, could be suffocating, controlling and smothering.
It is really important to listen and to take a step back. It is necessary to try, as much as possible, to be clear about my motivations. Others are entitled to their own interpretation and judgment. I should try to enter into dialogue, if possible, to arrive at the best possible clarification.
It is not an easy process. It necessitates great humility to see myself with sincerity, according to what is deep in my heart. It requires courage to look in the face and accept the mistakes, the subterfuges, the judgments. It asks me to have great hope that I am always in the making. I try, I fail, I try again.
This is a lifelong process.

Persevere

This seems to be God's message for me. Yesterday evening I did a little reading before going to sleep. Mother Anna Maria Canopi responded to an interview about "love, poverty and sobriety". She said that we should continue to love even if it is unreciprocated. In fact, we should love all the more because in being treated with indifference, in being rejected or even persecuted, we all the more resemble Jesus.
The second reading of the Office of Readings also speak about perseverance, not to get tired in doing what I have to do, not to grow weary in asking. If God immediately gives us consolations, we lose the opportunity to show love and hope.
The Gospel reading is the parable of the insistent widow and the corrupt judge. In the end she obtains what she was asking for because of her perseverance.
So why then do I persevere? It could be for many reasons: to "twist the other's arm" so that I finally obtain what I am asking; to express the hope that is in me; to show a patient and unconditional love; to conform myself more and more unto Christ.
I would never arrive at a perfectly pure motivation. There is always the personal element that plays a part (sometimes quite a big part) in my choices. But with awareness and a few tears here and there, slowly, through God's great love and mercy I persevere.

Fragile

Some issues in my life have reached a certain level of resolution. I cannot say that they are "resolved" according to how I would prefer resolution to be. Polly's ideals have been shattered. My experiences have opened my eyes to the fact that life is on the move. I cannot freeze time. I cannot frame an experience. Things will not be and will never be the same again.
There are times when I am tempted to go to the roots of things and try to understand and look for answers and explanations, but all I get are "maybe's". There are so many maybe's. I know, deep in my heart, that I would never know the answer.
And come to think of it, if I knew the answer, would it undo the situation, or ease the suffering?
So I live through this mystery; indeed, I live in this mystery.
I have simplified my goal. I no longer aim to solve or to resolve it. Mysteries are not solved. But everyday I can let an aspect of this mystery illumine my life: my attitudes, my choices, my values, my treasures.
I feel a certain level of peace, but it is very fragile. Maybe it will always be so, and it is better this way. It reminds me of my creatureliness in need of a great God.
"We hold this treasure in earthen vessels, that the surpassing power may be of God and not from us. We are afflicted in every way, but not constrained; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed." (2 Cor 4:7-9)

The miracle

It is the power of God that empowers me. It is the wisdom of God that indicates to me the way, though it be a lonely road. It is the peace of God that enables me to live through each moment, especially the lonely and painful ones, without despairing. It is the patience and the kindness of God that gives me the strength to graciously deal with difficult people and circumstances.
All throughout this long, difficult and enlightening experience, I have realized that I need to face my experience straight in the eye, to give it the attention that it deserves, to shed tears if need be, to admit my mistakes and my impure motivations. It is okay to ask "why" it happened, but this shouldn't be the last question.
In every experience, God speaks. In the most hurting experiences, He speaks louder. What lessons does this experience teach me? What direction will my life take after this?
And throughout this whole process, I recognize and I entrust myself to a Power that is far greater than me. This Power loves me. This Power is a Father, my Heavenly Father who created me out of love and who, daily, moment by moment, sustains me with His love.
I am not a lost soul condemned to forever go around begging for a little affection. I am a Daughter, a beloved daughter, and in the Father I have all the love that I need. I just have to see this miracle that happens every day of my life.

God is our peace

God does not provide us with answers; rather, He indicates the way. We are not puppets in God's hands. He has gifted us with intellect and freedom. We glorify Him and we recognize our dignity when we use them correctly.
No matter how much we try, we do not always achieve the best results according to our criteria or expectations. We are not an island and our choices and their consequences are intertwined with other people's. Interdependence is a natural law of life.
So nobody really goes through life with unsoiled hands or with eyes unstained by tears. Our hearts get wounded, and for a time we may be paralyzed by the terror of making another mistake. But every person has an innate resilience. The moment comes when you just feel the need to get up and move on. Your heart will just tell you that you cannot live without taking a risk; that life is a trial-and-error; that the greatest mistake you can make is not to want to commit a mistake.
This realization does not come from our own efforts. Indeed, I have experienced that the more I tried to understand, the more I plunged myself into the darkness of self-pity, of suspicion, of hurt. This does not mean that we do not have to try to understand our experiences, or just to go through life superficially. No, instead, it means that we recognize that there is a power beyond us - God. He gives us peace to live through the most hurting experiences with trust and hope. He is the voice within that tells us that it is time to move on.

The unnecessary word

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. (Ephesians 4:29)

I often think how much pain we could spare one another if only we learn to control our tongue. But more than the tongue, it is the heart that we must control, for it is from the abundance of the heart that the mouth speaks. Once in a while I catch myself saying so many unnecessary things. Often, they make people laugh because they seem so sharp and witty; but more often they leave a bad taste, at least when I think deeply about it. I cannot fool myself; so it is only I who know whether a comment I've uttered had a deeper meaning.
This leads me to think that if only I think more positively of people, my speech would be much different; maybe I wouldn't talk too much. This might make me boring in the eyes of people. I might lose friends and fans. I might look stupid in the eyes of people. Can I handle it?
It takes discipline and practice. But first it should start with the conviction that I am loved. I am God's Beloved, so I do not need anybody else's affirmation to make me feel secure. Wow, it's a tall order. After all, I cannot always hear God's voice affirming me, or His embrace giving me security. But if I just learn to read my life I will certainly see the presence of God permeating my life story.
Being God's Beloved is a free gift. I did not do anything to merit it. God gives it to me free of charge and there is nothing I can do to change that, not even if I refuse to accept Him. The gift will always be there for me.
But God loves not only me. He loves all His creatures. We are all His sons and daughters. No one is loved more; no one is loved less. We are loved according to our needs. God's heart is too big that it has room for everybody.
If God loves my brother and sister, how can I speak ill of them?
If there is no rancour, prejudice or envy in my heart, no unnecessary word will come out of my mouth.

Discernment

No matter how hard we try, we will never be one hundred percent sure of our decisions. But we have to make them. That is why discernment is necessary.
To discern is to wait, to pray, to read through events, to let go of fears and prejudices, to purify oneself from selfish agenda ...
After much prayer and reflection, at the end of the period of discernment, you don't hear a voice or see a writing on the wall that says "this is the course of action you must follow".
So you are left with trust, that after this discernment, regardless of whether your decision turns out right or wrong, since you have tried to arrive at it in truth with openness, sincerity and courage, God, who has always been with you will not leave you alone.

Goodbye

No matter how hard we try, some good things never last.

One of my best friends left for good our community. I have prepared myself for this leavetaking, but still I feel the pain. More and more I come to terms with the temporariness of everything. We get to know people, with more or less difficulties, we build relationships, dare to trust and to love, then it is time to let go. Is it then worth it to build deep friendships?

It is really a question for me and I am almost tempted to take the easy way out. Knowing myself, I know that I wouldn’t do that. I would always risk to love. I hope it is not only because of my type of personality or temperament, but because of a deep conviction that love is the essence of being a human person, created in the image and likeness of God. But I hope that my love becomes purer each day, freely received and freely given. I hope I don’t use “love” to assuage the “ache” within which only God can fill. In short, I hope I don’t love people for my own selfish reasons. It is not going to be easy. I would need to be very truthful to myself and have the courage to face aloneness.

I thank my friend for these years that we have been together. She has really been a good friend, very patient in listening to me, even to my “crazy” ruminations. She has been a good model of a religious in her coherence and passion for the mission.

Goodbye, my friend, go with God.

On being poor

In our poverty, we can generate life and re-awaken hope. We can make God's passage perceived on our streets, a God who transforms our heart and makes it humble, joyful, and confident. (Sr. Yvonne Reungoat, FMA)

As a young Sister, I have worked for many years with streetchildren and their families. It was not easy to work with them because I have come to see that poverty has so many ramifications and they are all inter-related: material, cultural, economic, spiritual, etc.
But I will never forget three things I have learned from them. In their poverty, in the lack of even the most basic necessities, they have taught me:
to know how to wait. It is not always easy to wait. Just a little space of inactivity seems to be a waste of time or an unbearable silence. But many things take time, and it is important, rather, imperative, to learn how to wait, and to believe that it is not an empty space. Something is happening in the depths. Trees take time to build strong roots. We don't see them on the surface but when a strong tempest comes, we know if they are present.
to be grateful. Those who have hardly anything are grateful for the little they have to get through the day. They don't lay claims on anything. That is not their priority. What is important for them is to survive just for the moment, just for the day; and if they do so, they are already happy and grateful.
to share what I receive. This is something that has really edified me. Even the toughest streetkid that I have met always thought about the brothers/sisters/parents left at home who did not have anything.
I don't condone poverty and misery as such because I believe that each person has a right to a dignified existence. But, come to think of it, poverty teaches us these lessons.
I am not living a hand-to-mouth existence but I do experience poverty everyday, when I come to terms with my limitations, with the reality that many things don't depend on me, that as much as I try to do my best, it doesn't guarantee that things, persons and situations will turn out well or be good to me.
As I come to terms with my poverty, I realize how much I need God. He is the Peace that will enable me to accept my poverty.
It is a journey. I haven't arrived yet, but each moment, each day is a call to move on.

Everything is gift

"But things slowly change. Ulcers heal, the scars disappear; first the physical ones, and later, much more slowly, the emotional ones. You feel strength again and old friends and old circles begin to open up again.
Health returns but it is different. Some of the old self-confidence is gone, replaced by a new sense of vulnerability and relativity that is immensely freeing.
You realize more clearly what is gift and what is earned. You know that you, on your own, cannot guarantee your own health, nor your attractiveness and desirability in love and friendship.
Stripped naked, weakened, and greatly humbled, you stop fighting, first because you are defeated, but later, when strength and resources return, because you realize that there is no reason to fight.
Life, health, love, it is all pure gift! You take less for granted and your old need to perform, to achieve, to dominate, to possess and impress, to win by effort what can only be received as gift, has been dealt a blow. It is painful, but freeing: painful because you realize that there is so little you can do; freeing because you realize that there is so little you have to do.
You begin to beg for conversion (even as you sense how difficult it is) because you would want to transvaluate all your values and priorities, your whole self, and begin life anew."

(Fr. Ronald Rolheiser, OMI)

God's peace

I went to Mass this morning at 9 am. The children's choir animated the Mass songs. I was happy and touched to hear the children's voices. It has been quite a while since I've heard a children's choir singing - such innocence and spontaneity, such fervour. Then they started to sing in Croatian the song "My peace I give unto you". I almost started crying. I felt that it was God's personal response to a request I made while I was praying my Lauds.
"My peace I give unto you. Bing, it is the peace that the world cannot give. It's the peace that the world cannot understand."
How good God is in wanting to reassure me. Bing, look nowhere else. It is I who give you the peace that your heart craves for. He is inviting me to believe, to trust that only He can give me peace.
The problem is, maybe I have another idea of peace. I just want that the ache in my heart, that the restlessness may disappear. I feel like my heart is an open wound that continues to ache. Hence, its healing is the peace that I want.
But maybe God has another peace in store for me. So I wait. I trust in His promise.

Don't quit

"For I know well the plans I have in mind for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare, not for woe! plans to give you a future full of hope. When you call me, when you go to pray to me, I will listen to you. When you look for me, you will find me. Yes, when you seek me with all your heart, you will find me with you, says the Lord." (Jeremiah 29:11-14)

A channel of your peace

God, make me a channel of your peace; a peace founded on the certainty that You love me and You take care of me, moment by moment, day by day.
Why is there no peace in my heart? Because there is an angst, a restlessness which I try to fill up with things, accomplishments, persons. For a time they might seem to give me what I want - but it is not peace. It is only a fascinating distraction that afterwards loses its charm. And I am off to square one, feeling restless, face to face with a void, searching, begging, trying for that which will satiate the thirst.
And so there is no peace within me because I just go on and on in this vicious circle.
And there is no peace outside of me because I relate with the world with an aggressive-possessive attitude, thinking that if I just "have" it, it will finally fill up the void.
It seems like I never learn my lesson. But God, you are patient with me. You never force Yourself on me. In Your silence, in Your weakness, You beckon me, You attract me and You draw me to Yourself.
Once drawn, you don't keep me imprisoned because this is against the nature of love.
God, grant me peace, just what I need for this moment, just what I need for today. I don't need to hoard this peace because in doing so, I lose it.
And make me an instrument of this peace.

Lifeless in Mother Mary's hands

If I were to describe my life right now, the image that comes to my mind is the Pietà. I see myself in Jesus' lifeless body lovingly held by Mother Mary. How long will I stay in this situation? I know and believe that ultimately, life will triumph; that mine is a future of joy and peace. But right now, I am just tired of the dark.
I have asked the Lord several times to give me a little respite, like an oasis in the desert - to dream of my mother, any dream that could pull me out of this deep and dark trap from which I am helpless to get out.
Even as I am writing this, there is a persistent voice that tells me to let go: of the past, of memories good or bad; of human respect and of people's expectations; of having everything clear and under control; of the love and esteem of people.
I feel that this is God's call for me. "Let go, for real. See, I am making something new, can you not see it?"

God's exquisite kindness

God has made me experience His exquisite kindness in two very special ways today.
While I was praying by myself in the chapel, I had the inspiration to go to the last pew. Normally I don't sit there because when people start to come, they distract me. Anyway, I heeded the inspiration and, therefore, had a long and good look at the big crucifix beside the altar. I had just read a book where somebody shared her experience of how in her difficult life, she has come to realize that "in the cross, somebody can truly understand" her. Yes, as I looked, as I gazed at that cross, I knew deep in my heart that someone understands the pain in my heart and the struggle to keep hoping. He, Jesus, knew the pain of betrayal, of rejection, of insuccess, of lack of comprehension. Yes, He understands. Somehow it gives me consolation as I go through this experience. In my solitude, someone keeps me company. His resurrection is the foundation of my hope that life triumphs.
The other experience happened also unexpectedly. I was feeling tired so I decided to take a walk in the garden, just to breathe a little fresh air, to see the flowers, the trees and the grass, to hear the birds and the young people playing in the nearby football field. Then I came across an elderly sister who has always touched me by her kindness and intuition. She was praying her rosary and she told me, "I am remembering you. Enlarge your heart, don't let suffering overcome you. Let go and you will learn to swim". Then we continued to chat. She shared with me some of her experiences and realizations. It wasn't a very long conversation, but it was life-giving.
Thank God for these special gifts today.

He has put timelessness into our hearts

"God has made everything appropriate to its time, and has put the timeless into their hearts, without men's ever discovering, from beginning to end, the work which God has done." (Ecclesiastes 3:11)
This text is part of a famous quote from Scriptures that starts with "There is an appointed time for everything". It is only today that I have been struck by this last part. God has an over-all plan, and that is a plan of joy and fullness of life. But this plan is an ongoing work, and we are involved in its construction. The problem is, we often question the whys of certain events and blame everything on God when things seem crazy and absurd.
If God has a plan, where is our freedom? Are we mere puppets in the hands of a great puppeteer? On the other hand, if we are responsible, then what use is it to pray and to ask God for help?
My own personal theory is this: God's plan is a plan of joy, of success, of fullness of life. We all have our part and what we do, what we say, even what we think, have their consequences in the lives of others and in God's plan of joy. But God continues to be present, motivating and inspiring us, so that despite our follies we may decide to cooperate in His plan. Mistakes and follies also have a place in this plan because they bring out the best in people like strength, resilience, kindness, compassion, forgiveness, sacrifice, etc.
Since we are a part of this puzzle, we are "in" and we cannot see the greater picture. What we see pertains only to our lives, or to the lives of those closest to us; and this may overwhelm us or make us despair. But if we just step back for a while and try to see the bigger picture, or just review a past experience, we will be amazed to see how even the most tragic thing can contribute to God's plan of joy.
Lastly, we will never find full joy in this life. God has put "timelessness" into our hearts. There will always be an angst, a sense of incompleteness, a craving for something more. Our hearts are too noble to be content with the created world, yet it is still too small in this life to be the dwelling place of a God who is so Great.

Second half

I feel that I have entered the second half of my life.
This morning as I was making my meditation, I thanked God for the care-free, spontaneous and innocent first-half, and I asked Him to be present as I grapple with the second half, armed only with faith because I have experienced at various times of my life His faithful love.

Community

I feel so very sad this afternoon. The weather is quite cool. It feels autumn, and I feel an ache in my whole being.
A sister in my community is leaving for her new community.
Since these days we are seeing so many changes in the composition of our community, our superior is motivating us about the beauty of our Salesian life, how, wherever we go, we find houses, homes, sisters. But it is not easy. Entering the door of a new house does not automatically mean entering the hearts of the people there. In much the same way, leaving a house doesn't make you automatically forget or "leave" the people, despite the tensions and frictions that may have been.
I actually wonder how true and sincere people are when they say, "Oh, when I left that community, I've cut all ties". Is it possible?
I cannot truthfully say that for myself, despite the experiences of pain, friction, misunderstanding, rejection, and yes, even competition.
And so I'll cry, and I'll let the ache in my heart penetrate my being, because I care. And that is what community is all about, isn't it?

The dream of fewness

The dream of fewness comes from our wildest longings and is an ache for a great love.
To dream the dream of fewness is to know, right within the restless stirrings of one's own heart, that one is, as both Scripture and philosophy affirm, fired into life with a madness that comes from the gods and which demands that one attain a great love.
It is only when we despair of attaining that great love that we grow embarrassed with romance, with "falling in love," with the dream of fewness and attempt to tame our longings by subduing them with phrases like naive, adolescent, counterproductive of community, sickly privatized, and obsessional neurosis.
The dream of fewness. Taste and remember. Think of how much happier and mellower and centered beyond the immediate world would be if everyone had tasted and could remember.

(Ronald Rolheiser)

Experiences may make me come to the conclusion that "kindred spirits" or "best friends" is adolescent stuff. There is, indeed, a question within my heart whether this is so. Is it possible that there is one or some people with whom your life will always be tied for life, for better or for worse?
I refuse to give up this longing, though others may frown on it. I was so happy when I came across this reflection from Fr. Ronald Rolheiser. Maybe a lot of people have given up on this in their heart. They may even be unaware that in their heart of hearts, there is this yearning. Their experiences may have taught them to be hard, to be practical, not to believe in adolescent stuff, because in the world you need grit and might and a good dose of indifference in order to survive.
But, I repeat, I refuse to give up this idea and ideal. I believe that God is love. He loves me. He knows that I am a person and I need to feel, to experience love. God Himself said in Genesis that "it is not good for man to be alone".
Experiences may have wounded me, but I refuse to fall into cynicism. Somewhere out there, there are people whose lives will always be tied with mine, forever, for better or for worse.

Leaving my boat, burning my bridges

Funny how certain experiences of ours call to mind a particular passage from Scripture; and how certain passages from Scripture make us look at a particular experience from a different perspective.
Today's Gospel talks about the call of Simon the Fisherman. Towards the end of the passage it says: When they brought their boats to the shore, they left everything and followed him. (Luke 5:11)
Following Jesus is the source of true joy and fullness of life, but it has its price to pay. In my experience, it is not a choice between good and bad. Rarely do I have this choice. Rather, it was always a choice to leave behind a certain Something, that has given me joy, security and a certain fulfillment.
These past months have been the longest and most difficult experience of leaving my boat.
I guess the image of burning my bridges has more impact to me. I have always loved bridges. In fact, it is one of my symbols. Bridges symbolize connection. I have always been a relational person. I could renounce my own comforts or go way out of my way in order to give joy to somebody. Perhaps, sometimes I exaggerate. But that is what I am.
The Gospel today is like an inspiration from God. I have to burn my bridges in order to be truly for Him and for His Kingdom. It is not easy. I struggle a lot, because, as I said earlier, it's not as if it's a choice between good and bad.
The price of following Jesus is solitude. I am still in the process of letting go and of accepting this reality. Many say that solitude is the source of fecundity. Well I am not yet there, but I hope that I am on the road.

Insulated

Being a nun, I know how difficult it is to live with them. It is said that community life is our greatest penitence.
There is a good number of nuns who are perpetual grumblers. Nothing ever satisfies them. They find fault in everything, but are the most demanding when it comes to being understood and accepted as they are.
On closer reflection, I think nuns are not the only experts on this field. I think this is the tendency of people who are insulated from life.
Insulated, wow, what a big word. Simply speaking, it means being separated or segregated.
The structures that we have, in a way, have over-protected and pampered us. We have left the world in order to follow God wholeheartedly, believing that God will take care of us. And He does, through our community. But somehow our cloistered life has shielded us from the daily difficulties that ordinary people experience. So we tend to be too demanding, again I say, without really meaning to be so.
When our world becomes so small that it includes only us and our closest circle, we throw ourselves into prison. Being so narrow, our focus becomes so limited. Nothing ever satisfies us.
That is why the poor and the suffering are our best teachers. They live one day at a time. They are happy just to survive, and they are more capable of sharing the burden of others.
May God deliver us from a life of perpetual grumbling. May we have eyes to see that there is always more to be grateful for.

To be humble

To be humble is to be grateful because everything is a gift.
To be humble is to be patient because we are all imperfect, human beings on our journey to growth.
To be humble is to be hopeful, knowing that in each person there is a spark of God within.
To be humble is to forgive because one's life is always an experience of being forgiven.
To be humble is to let go of the perks and privileges, believing that God takes care of me everyday.

The road to wisdom

Life is a mosaic of experiences. There are so many pieces: small and seemingly unrelated. If we can live through what is painful, laugh at our follies, cry with those who suffer, be happy for the joys of others, be thankful; in short, if we learn to befriend life ... then we are on the road to wisdom. Then, life itself will befriend us. Then the pieces of the puzzle will come to their proper places and we will see that in the Great Scheme of things, everything has a purpose, nothing happens by chance.

One heart at a time

"We do not have to be saviours of the world! We are simply human beings, enfolded in weakness and in hope, called together to change our world one heart at a time."

(Jean Vanier)

Beloved

Today I woke up with a very happy thought. God loves me. No, more than that, I am a Beloved, God's beloved.
I do not know why or how, but it just dawned on me, like an aha moment.
I am a Beloved. I didn't do anything to deserve it or to earn it. It's a pure gift.
The thought has given me great joy and deep peace. I feel so light-hearted. I feel like I have stumbled upon a secret; though surely it is not the first time I have known this.
But this morning must have been that time when my heart is ready to believe it.
My personal experiences show me that it is easier to love people who are good, who do good, or who at least try to be good. I don't intentionally choose to love only those who are good, who do good, or try to be good. But on closer look, I guess I have this in my subconscious.
And that is why it was such a discovery for me this morning that I am loved, for who I am, warts and all.
I remember the Carpenters' old song "Love me for what I am". It sounds so sentimental and the words cheesy, but in reality it is the cry of every person.
Anyway, the realization that I am a Beloved is God's special gift for me today. Life takes on a totally different color when seen from this perspective. Life is not a valley of tears; it is the setting of my love story. Giving my best and doing what is good and right are not burdens; they are my expressions of being a Beloved. God is not a tyrant who oppresses, or a superior to obey, or a master to slave for; He is Love, pure and gratuitous love.

In search of that first love

Jesus tells us that he is our way. We find the way when we follow him through the pages of Scripture. There we see how he was constantly communing and in relationship with the One who sent him into the world. When suffering was part of the way, Jesus chose not to ask "Why?" He chose not to blame those who hurt him. He stood in his agony, intimately connected with the One who loved him and also forgiving and caring for those who so cruelly tortured and killed him. This is the way, and by offering us this way, Jesus gives us new eyes to look into our experience of suffering and of life.
True homecoming is choosing the way of Jesus, where we acknowledge the good and painful in our lives and we ask for patience and courage to forgive all those who have wounded us on the journey. Their love was limited and conditional, but it set us in search of that unconditional, unlimited love. This way takes us on a path through the desert of suffering to our hidden wholeness and to our utter beauty in the eyes of the One we name God.

(Henri Nouwen)

What God gives me

God does not exempt me from the difficulties of life.
God gives me awe, inspiring me to sing in the midst of the storm.

I heard a very good commentary on Mother Mary's Magnificat.
The Magnificat is Mother Mary's song of praise and gratitude for God's love and fidelity to His people, and to her, personally. She proclaimed it upon seeing her cousin Elizabeth. This event was preceded by the Annunciation when the Angel Gabriel gave her the news that she was chosen by the Almighty to be the mother of Jesus.
Thinking of Mary's unique privilege as Mother of the Son of God, one would normally suppose that with this privilege would come the benefits, like having an easier life, being wanting of nothing. After all, we're talking here of nothing less than being the Mother of the Son of God.
But from the very few Scripture references that speak of Mary, we can safely say that Mary of Nazareth certainly did not have an easy life. She wasn't exempted from life's sufferings, big or small. Her unique and very personal relationship with God did not make her rich (in terms of material riches), nor solve all her problems.
So it is with us. Our relationship with God does not give us a passport to fame and fortune. Rather, what God grants us is awe, stupor, that enables us to sing.

Gold

Last August 5th we witnessed the renewal of vows of 7 sisters who are celebrating their golden jubilee of religious profession. I was really touched. Who knows, it might be my first and my last time to witness 7 sisters of my community celebrating their golden jubilee.
I feel especially grateful to God for the gift of my vocation and of all the people who have been His instruments in this journey. As I go through life, I realize more and more that everything is grace. God is a Father who gives me what I need to be happy, today. The problem is, by worrying about the past and the future, I fail to appreciate the gifts that I have today.
It's really such a simple thing especially when I look at children and see them lost in the present moment, without worries about anything. Unfortunately, the grown-up in me has been so used to planning (with a plan A or a plan B or even a plan C) and being in control.
Jesus is right. Unless we become like little children we cannot enter the Kingdom.

Open hands

Give us this day our daily bread ...
Give me only what I need for today, Lord. It's very tempting to hoard - things, persons, experiences - thinking that I am "saving for the rainy day". But the more I accumulate securities, the more I am less secure. The more I store goods, the less I have the time and the spontaneity to truly enjoy them.
My heart and my desires are never fully satiated. I realize that as soon as I attain a goal, I am running after a new one. So my life is a never-ending race without a purpose.
May I have open hands to receive and to give, to accept and to let go, knowing that I have all that I need to be happy today. Whenever I close my hands to protect what I have, I also close my heart to adventure and spontaneity. I imprison myself in walls which I call security. Can I truly be secure inside a prison?
Give me open hands to receive the daily bread that I need. I will be happy today.
Tomorrow is not a problem. Tomorrow is my today in the future, and I know that I have no need to worry because in every today You are present.

Tender mercies

I've learned that the high point of any narrative is the moment of crisis that is triggered by a strong experience. And from the crisis point the narrative comes to its resolution.
Telenovelas are popular because they tend to involve the viewers especially in that moment of crisis when the protagonist and the villain are at their best, opposing forms. That highpoint is easy to identify because it is really the crux, where energies and words are at their highest and lowest.
But in life it rarely happens, or maybe I'm speaking about my life. It is more like an accumulation of little and ordinary daily things that you just take for granted. They're what I call the hassles of everyday life. They are like termites. They eat you up slowly but surely, until you just wake up one day and ask yourself "how have I arrived at this point?"
There is also no single point when you just say to yourself, "It has been resolved" or "I have already passed it". Sometimes no forgiveness is asked or given. You just live one day at a time. And time itself heals you slowly, through little, awkward steps, little and silent signs, small things which I call tender mercies.

Lost

I have experienced in my life how I would, sort of, want to plunge all the way down, to reach the depths, reasoning out that after the depths there is no other way but up. It is as if in sinking all the way down, I will be able to exorcise my demons. It's like an attitude of just-get-it-over-with. It's like, for example, I just want to be irresponsible for once, to break the humdrum and monotony, to give in to my spontaneous self. Or is it?
These days I have become more aware that when moments like these come, and I am just ready to surrender, there is one part of me that just doesn't give up. I cannot really explain it rationally. When I am just ready to give in, I just do the opposite, which in this case is often the responsible thing to do, though in reality, logic and responsibility had nothing to do with it. It was like a spur of the moment thing, or maybe a habit that is hard to break.
It is not me who is at work, in moments like this. Does it mean I have lost my autonomy? Are my actions fruit of a decision, as human acts ought to be?
I am really in a maze here. Or maybe, life itself is a maze.

For better or for worse

Two days ago I got a message from a high school classmate. He was hoping to catch me online on Facebook because he almost committed suicide. He just wanted to share and let it all out to me because I am a nun. I am the only nun in our high school class and my former classmates often tell me that they are very lucky to have a nun among their high school classmates. As if I am their direct line to God.
I think people have such a high expectation of nuns. They think that we should always be good, patient, prayerful, etc., etc. Well, I do not say that we shouldn't be that. What I mean is, many people don't even realize that we, too, have our moments of weakness, of moods, of failures, of tiredness, and yes, of sins, too. We are not perfect. We are much like any person on the street burdened with our family history, our tempers, our midlife crisis, our sickness, etc., etc.
When I was younger I was always fascinated by weddings. I was a member of a Church choir and we always sang at weddings. I have memorized the wedding vows and while the bride and groom exchanged them, I would even say the words with them - for better or for worse.
When I entered religious life I was full of ideals and expectations. I did not even question some of the traditions which I found impractical, because for me the ideal was what is most important. I wanted to give my all to God who is my only Good, my only Lord, my only Love.
Eighteen years after my first profession, I realized that while I was making my vows I should have made them with the spirit of "for better or for worse". My pact with God encompasses my whole being. He didn't call me because I am the best. Why He called me, He alone knows the reason.
Everyday is an invitation for me to say "for better or for worse, dear Jesus, I am staying with you". Everyday, too, Jesus assures me "for better or for worse, dear Bing, I'm sticking it out with you".

She loved much

Mary Magdalene is one of my favorite saints. The other day, July 22, was her feast.
Tradition has attributed to her different figures of women in the Gospel like the woman caught in adultery, the woman who anointed Jesus' feet with expensive perfume, the woman who stayed together with Jesus' mother at the foot of the cross, and the woman to whom Jesus first appeared on His resurrection.
What I like best about Mary Magdalene was her "all-or-nothing" attitude. If she was really the woman caught in adultery, then it is just one instance that shows her guts to give all, even risking her life. When she stayed at the foot of the cross, she also risked her life. When she ran to the apostles to bring the Good News of Jesus' resurrection, she risked her reputation.
When we love, we take risks. When we don't take risks, ours is not love but self-interest.
Taking risk means being vulnerable, accepting the possibility of betrayal and rejection. Is it then worth it? Is it worth it baring our heart and soul only to be rejected? I do not know. The problem with life is that it does not present clear-cut answers. There is always the gray area.
What I know is that God blesses this "all-or-nothing" risk-taking. Who loves much may experience many rejections, have her heart broken many times over, but that heart is being fashioned from a heart of stone, strong and impenetrable, to a heart of flesh.
Only a heart of flesh can understand the depth of love, how a love that is offered is not an idea; rather, someone has decided to take the risk of rejection because you are worth the risk.

Jesus in my heart

It's not for malice or ill-will that we don't know how to listen to people. I think it's because we are caught up in our production-oriented or efficiency-addicted world.
Despite our hyper-talk on the importance of community life, that it is the one that sustains our vocation, we water down community life to staying in the same house, praying at the same time, eating at the same time and at the same place, drafting a community plan and evaluating it. Some communities manage a step further and do have fun together; but very few are those where the members feel at ease in admitting their wounds and exposing their vulnerabilities, or sharing their inspirations and dreams.
We are fortunate when we find people who can be this for us. But they are not always around. I believe that God, our Provident Father, gives them to us at the right time, when we really need them. But, in the end, we need to "climb our mountains all alone", and to experience that in this solitude we are not really alone "Jesus is our true friend, our lifetime friend".
It's not rhetoric for me when I say this. I have experienced this, and I continue to do so. Jesus is here, in my heart. When I can be intimate with my self, when I am not afraid to accept myself as I am, it is to Jesus that I am exposing my self. When I manage to rise up, or just to drag myself through a difficult period, it is Jesus who tells me that I have it in me to be resilient and not to surrender.

Go and do likewise

There was a scholar of the law who stood up to test him and said, "Teacher, what must I do to inherit eternal life?" Jesus said to him, "What is written in the law? How do you read it?" He said in reply, "You shall love the Lord, your God, with all your heart, with all your being, with all your strength, and with all your mind, and your neighbor as yourself." He replied to him, "You have answered correctly; do this and you will live."
But because he wished to justify himself, he said to Jesus, "And who is my neighbor?" Jesus replied, "A man fell victgim to robbers as he went down from Jerusalem to Jericho. They stripped and beat him and went off leaving him half-dead. A priest happened to be going down that road, but shen he saw him, he passed by on the opposite side. Likewise a Levite came to the place, and when he saw him, he passed by on the opposite side. But a Samaritan traveler who came upon him was moved with compassion at the sight. He approached the victim, poured oil and wine over his wounds and bandaged them. Then he lifted him up on his own animal, took him to an inn and cared for him. The next day he took out two silver coins and gave them to the inn-keeper with the instruction, 'Take care of him. If you spend more than what I have given you, I shall repay you on my way back.' Which of these three, in your opinion, was neighbor to the robbers' victim?" He answered, "The one who treated him with mercy." Jesus said to him, "Go and do likewise."

This is one of Jesus' most famous parables. It is rich with insights as it presents to us what is the key to a meaningful life. I understand the scholar's question "What must I do to inherit eternal life?" as an expression of a desire to find the meaning of life. How can my life be meaningful, that makes it worth living and struggling?
The narration of the parable of the Good Samaritan is Jesus' way of explaining, without an official dogmatic presentation, that a meaningful life is not the result of following the law. Our lives acquire meaning, or rather, we discover that our lives have meaning when we become God-like. The Samaritan did what he did not because he was following the Law. He did what he did because he was moved by compassion, indeed, the very attitude of God.
What must I do to have a meaningful life? Acquire the mind and the heart of Christ who is Compassion.