My choice

A lot of people think that I have given up so much when I chose the consecrated life. And these people have different reactions: regret, surprise, pity, admiration, disdain.
But giving up something in favor or something else is not really anything new. It is part of life. It is the necessary step to make in order to capture the meaning of this wonderful gift called life, give it form and configuration.
Happy feast of Consecrated life. Pray that despite our weaknesses and limitations, we may be a ray of God's goodness.

Chosen

 

God knows each one of us from all eternity, even the minutest details of who we are, even the things that we have already forgotten. He loves each one of us in a special way. And God's love for one doesn't diminish his love for the others. I don't know how God does it, after all, He is God and surely I cannot fathom the depths of God's being.
God chooses and calls each one of us from all eternity. He calls us for a mission. And on this depends the meaning of our life.
But mission is not equivalent to "role" or "work". Mission does include doing something, but it is just a part of it. Mission is our special participation in the building of the Kingdom of God. Of couse God can build His Kingdom even without me, but God is so generous and magnanimous that He wants me to have a part in the building of this Kingdom.
In today's Gospel, Elizabeth and Zechariah both insist that their child's name is John. The neighbors say that there is nobody in their family named John.
Well, to fulfill our mission means to create our own path, perhaps to venture on ways unknown. For some it may mean being alienated from the people closest to us. But it is okay. We have to look into our heart and hear the echo of the voice that is part of our truest self: I have chosen you. I send you. I am with you.

Leaving my boat, burning my bridges

Funny how certain experiences of ours call to mind a particular passage from Scripture; and how certain passages from Scripture make us look at a particular experience from a different perspective.
Today's Gospel talks about the call of Simon the Fisherman. Towards the end of the passage it says: When they brought their boats to the shore, they left everything and followed him. (Luke 5:11)
Following Jesus is the source of true joy and fullness of life, but it has its price to pay. In my experience, it is not a choice between good and bad. Rarely do I have this choice. Rather, it was always a choice to leave behind a certain Something, that has given me joy, security and a certain fulfillment.
These past months have been the longest and most difficult experience of leaving my boat.
I guess the image of burning my bridges has more impact to me. I have always loved bridges. In fact, it is one of my symbols. Bridges symbolize connection. I have always been a relational person. I could renounce my own comforts or go way out of my way in order to give joy to somebody. Perhaps, sometimes I exaggerate. But that is what I am.
The Gospel today is like an inspiration from God. I have to burn my bridges in order to be truly for Him and for His Kingdom. It is not easy. I struggle a lot, because, as I said earlier, it's not as if it's a choice between good and bad.
The price of following Jesus is solitude. I am still in the process of letting go and of accepting this reality. Many say that solitude is the source of fecundity. Well I am not yet there, but I hope that I am on the road.

Gold

Last August 5th we witnessed the renewal of vows of 7 sisters who are celebrating their golden jubilee of religious profession. I was really touched. Who knows, it might be my first and my last time to witness 7 sisters of my community celebrating their golden jubilee.
I feel especially grateful to God for the gift of my vocation and of all the people who have been His instruments in this journey. As I go through life, I realize more and more that everything is grace. God is a Father who gives me what I need to be happy, today. The problem is, by worrying about the past and the future, I fail to appreciate the gifts that I have today.
It's really such a simple thing especially when I look at children and see them lost in the present moment, without worries about anything. Unfortunately, the grown-up in me has been so used to planning (with a plan A or a plan B or even a plan C) and being in control.
Jesus is right. Unless we become like little children we cannot enter the Kingdom.

For better or for worse

Two days ago I got a message from a high school classmate. He was hoping to catch me online on Facebook because he almost committed suicide. He just wanted to share and let it all out to me because I am a nun. I am the only nun in our high school class and my former classmates often tell me that they are very lucky to have a nun among their high school classmates. As if I am their direct line to God.
I think people have such a high expectation of nuns. They think that we should always be good, patient, prayerful, etc., etc. Well, I do not say that we shouldn't be that. What I mean is, many people don't even realize that we, too, have our moments of weakness, of moods, of failures, of tiredness, and yes, of sins, too. We are not perfect. We are much like any person on the street burdened with our family history, our tempers, our midlife crisis, our sickness, etc., etc.
When I was younger I was always fascinated by weddings. I was a member of a Church choir and we always sang at weddings. I have memorized the wedding vows and while the bride and groom exchanged them, I would even say the words with them - for better or for worse.
When I entered religious life I was full of ideals and expectations. I did not even question some of the traditions which I found impractical, because for me the ideal was what is most important. I wanted to give my all to God who is my only Good, my only Lord, my only Love.
Eighteen years after my first profession, I realized that while I was making my vows I should have made them with the spirit of "for better or for worse". My pact with God encompasses my whole being. He didn't call me because I am the best. Why He called me, He alone knows the reason.
Everyday is an invitation for me to say "for better or for worse, dear Jesus, I am staying with you". Everyday, too, Jesus assures me "for better or for worse, dear Bing, I'm sticking it out with you".

A good priest, a real man of God

Yesterday I had the chance to talk to a priest-friend. I never thought that my friendship with him would last this long. I think it's been fifteen years.
I can truthfully say that I have always been edified by this man - very human, capable of showing his affection, but at the same time maintaining a distance. He is really a man of peace, always trying to reach out, to build bridges instead of erecting walls. At the same time, he is a man of solid convictions, inspired by the Gospel.
At the beginning of our friendship, I felt flattered to be on a first-name basis with a well-known and important person. There was a danger on my part to be dependent on the friendship because of the satisfaction it brought me. But Father knew when to be silent and to keep distance, without making me feel set aside or rejected.
I guess, when one is truly a person of God, he manages to be limpid and transparent in every aspect of his life, radiating the goodness of Jesus.
I have been privileged to have this kind of friendship. This, too, is grace.

Who do you say that I am

When Jesus went into the region of Caesarea Philippi he asked his disciples, "Who do people say that the Son of Man is?" They replied, "Some say John the Baptist, others Elijah, still others Jeremiah or one of the prophets." He said to them, "But who do you say that I am?" Simon Peter said in reply, "You are the Messiah, the Son of the living God."

(Matthew 16:13-16)

Jesus is addressing to me personally this question. He is not asking for an answer of the formula-type. He looks at me in the eye and asks me, "Bing, who do you say that I am? Who am I for you? Twenty-four years ago, you were at the height of your fervor and you've left a happy family, a flourishing career, the love of special persons, and the promise of a bright future. Would you still do the same now, choose me above all else?"
The past twenty-four years are like a mosaic for me of different colors and hues.
There were experiences of highs when I strongly felt the presence of Jesus, giving meaning to my life, filling up the emptiness. There were experiences of a heightened desire to give all, to make as many people as possible to fall in love with Jesus.
But much more were the ordinary and every experiences of routine, of doing the same things; as if there is nothing to look forward to. It's always a temptation to look over the fence and see the greener pasture on the other side. Did I make a mistake in leaving everything for Jesus?
Jesus' call is a gift. It's not for any merit on my part. Jesus' love is a gift. I did not do anything to deserve it. But love is not euphoria. It is not all sentiment. Love is tested, proved and purified when one becomes certain despite the absence of feelings.
Will I still choose Jesus? I will, not because I am strong, but because my attraction to Him is already a sign of His presence within me.

The ministry of kindness

A friend of mine gave this text to me more than twenty years ago. I read it everyday. It is not easy to practice, but I believe that if I just try to be kind, I would have done something to make the world better.

Of all the ministries open to souls consecrated to God, the most effective, the most far-reaching, the most consoling is Kindness.
Kindness is one of God's best gifts to the world.
It drives gloom and darkness for souls.
It puts hope into fainting hearts.
It sweetens sorrow. It lessens pain.
It discovers unsuspected beauties of human character.
It calls forth a response from all that is best in souls.
It purifies, glorifies, ennobles all that it touches.
It opens the floodgates of children's laughter.
It gathers the tears of repentant love.
It lightens the burdens of weariness.
It stops the torrent of angry passion.
It takes the sting from failure.
It kindles courageous ambition.
It lifts the unfortunate.
It leads back the wayward.
It walks in the steps of our Savior.
Let us become apostles of kindness
to partake of its sweetness, to aspire to its holiness.
The ministry of kindness is exalted, it is sublime.
It is Christlike!

My first love

Today is Don Bosco's feast day. I have a confession to make. Don Bosco is my first love. I can still remember when I was a child, I loved reading a short book about his life. I would read the last part over and over again where his last words are "Tell my boys that I will see them in paradise". Funny how when one grows older, things done in childhood just come back. Never did it even enter my mind when I was younger that I would one day be a member of a religious congregation founded by Don Bosco.