Re-birth

When you have given grief its due time, and you feel in your heart that it is now the time to move on, rise up and go. To fail to do so is to refuse the gift of re-birth.

Moving on

To move on means to have something move out of your life.

Grateful

Two and a half years ago, something happened that has turned my life upside down. It was something unexpected, and until now I am still clueless as to the real reason behind it. The experience has made me question the goodness of people and the goodness of life itself.
I have tried to face the issue despite my natural tendency to be afraid of confrontation, whether with myself or with others.
I have tried to “blackmail” God, asking Him to take away the hurt, just as a child would do with his mother after a scratch or a fall.
I have tried to be patient and to let time pass, thinking that things will get back on the right course.
I have tried to change myself, thinking that if I became a “better” person the situation will change.
I have tried a lot of things, a lot of techniques. I was telling myself that I was trying to be positive about the whole thing, but maybe, yes, probably, deep within my heart, I was longing for a return to the past, to my happy and uncomplicated life.
Things did not turn out that way. Rather, they turned out for the better.
I am grateful for the experience because I have learned and discovered so much about myself and about life.
I have discovered that my good and even heroic actions are always tainted by self-seeking. But I have also discovered that I can reach out and turn the other cheek.
I’ve learned that things change, people change, and it is not their fault that they do. It is the reality of life. But I have also learned that each person tries his/her best, that no one willfully hurts others.
I have discovered that the most devastating experience that could happen to me is not failure in my work or career, but the fracture in a human relationship. But I have also discovered that I am strong.
I’ve learned that the heart always wins over the head. But I have also learned that the heart reasons out on its own, and though it may take time, it can learn to fight or to let go.
Do I wish that the experience never happened to me? I think that the question is useless; though I would not wish that kind of experience on any body because I know how it almost broke me.
The experience made me believe all the more in the goodness and wisdom of God. It is in my weakness, in the lowest point in my life that I came face to face with the beauty of life and the resilience and dignity of the human spirit.
The Lord is my shepherd, there is nothing I shall fear.

Never the same

Every person, at one time or another, goes through a "Humpty Dumpty" experience, when the world, as it is known, suddenly crashes and "all the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again".
This experience normally catches one by surprise, though, as one looks back, there may have already been signs along the way.
When the Humpty Dumpty experience happens, the first reaction is to ask oneself: Where did I go wrong? What didn't I do right? Why did this happen to me?
Then follows the frantic attempt to re-create the lost world, to try to put back things as they were. But, somehow, one finds out that the pieces of the puzzle don't fit anymore. You suddenly get the insight that, no matter how hard you try, it won't work, that any attempt is futile.
But your heart is afraid to surrender because, after all, the old world, despite its imperfections, is the only world you know.
Then daily life becomes a battleground:
between resistance and abandonment;
between holding on and letting go;
between self-blame and compassion;
between resentment and gratitude;
between despair and moving on.
It will take time before one finally reaches a certain level of equilibrium, when you start to see life in a realistic way, but with hope.
And there will still be moments of uncertainty, but that is okay because they remind you that this life is not our permanent home.
Yes, you will heal, but you're never the same.

A place at His right

Today's Gospel is about the mother of James and John asking Jesus to give them the places at his right and his left in the Kingdom. I've always understood this text as a call to humility, that the real disciple of Christ doesn't seek an exalted place, because following Jesus is already reward in itself.
Today some other thought struck me. The right and the left places beside Jesus speak to me of security. After all, being beside God is the most secure place, isn't it?
In my life, I have always sought the safe place. I have never been a risk-taker. Weighing the pros and cons of things comes to me spontaneously. I guess many people are like me, too. I try to build a world, my own nook, with the people I like, with the things I would need, with manageable problems. When something happens that calls me to re-think this "ordered world", or when I find this world turned upside-down, I panic. Then I try to re-order it again, to put it back the way it was. But it is not possible.
Then I pray to Jesus to give me a little break, to put back a semblance of normality to my shattered world.
But in reality, this secure place, this place of perfect harmony where everything is in place, doesn't exist. All of life is a journey. All of life is about change. Nothing is ever the same. The paradise of today could be tomorrow's hell.
This is probably the reason why we should strive, instead, to store up for ourselves treasure in heaven. There is only one true treasure: Jesus.
It is easy to say but it is a lifetime journey to arrive at a conscious decision of really counting everything as rubbish, in order to have Jesus. But the journey begins now ...

The quiet joy that Jesus gives

Wow, 2010 is almost over! It hasn't exactly been an easy year. Once in a while I still feel that biting ache in my heart. Will it be there forever, haunting my life from time to time? A favorite author of mine says yes, because that is the human person's unending search for God.
However, I believe that I am making progress. I am moving forward. Even the physical signs of tiredness, insomnia, excessive weight loss and melancholy have greatly diminished.
But I still have to continue each day - to try my best to approach life and circumstances with more hope. May I always remember that Jesus has won, and is always giving me the joy that no one can take away.
I've always thought that joy and sorrow can never co-exist. But more and more I realize that it is sorrow that exposes mirth for what it is, superficial and transitory. It is not joy.
Joy is quiet. Joy is pure. Joy lasts because it doesn't depend on people, things and circumstances.
Only Jesus gives me this joy and He has promised that no one can take it away.

Fragile

Some issues in my life have reached a certain level of resolution. I cannot say that they are "resolved" according to how I would prefer resolution to be. Polly's ideals have been shattered. My experiences have opened my eyes to the fact that life is on the move. I cannot freeze time. I cannot frame an experience. Things will not be and will never be the same again.
There are times when I am tempted to go to the roots of things and try to understand and look for answers and explanations, but all I get are "maybe's". There are so many maybe's. I know, deep in my heart, that I would never know the answer.
And come to think of it, if I knew the answer, would it undo the situation, or ease the suffering?
So I live through this mystery; indeed, I live in this mystery.
I have simplified my goal. I no longer aim to solve or to resolve it. Mysteries are not solved. But everyday I can let an aspect of this mystery illumine my life: my attitudes, my choices, my values, my treasures.
I feel a certain level of peace, but it is very fragile. Maybe it will always be so, and it is better this way. It reminds me of my creatureliness in need of a great God.
"We hold this treasure in earthen vessels, that the surpassing power may be of God and not from us. We are afflicted in every way, but not constrained; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed." (2 Cor 4:7-9)

God is our peace

God does not provide us with answers; rather, He indicates the way. We are not puppets in God's hands. He has gifted us with intellect and freedom. We glorify Him and we recognize our dignity when we use them correctly.
No matter how much we try, we do not always achieve the best results according to our criteria or expectations. We are not an island and our choices and their consequences are intertwined with other people's. Interdependence is a natural law of life.
So nobody really goes through life with unsoiled hands or with eyes unstained by tears. Our hearts get wounded, and for a time we may be paralyzed by the terror of making another mistake. But every person has an innate resilience. The moment comes when you just feel the need to get up and move on. Your heart will just tell you that you cannot live without taking a risk; that life is a trial-and-error; that the greatest mistake you can make is not to want to commit a mistake.
This realization does not come from our own efforts. Indeed, I have experienced that the more I tried to understand, the more I plunged myself into the darkness of self-pity, of suspicion, of hurt. This does not mean that we do not have to try to understand our experiences, or just to go through life superficially. No, instead, it means that we recognize that there is a power beyond us - God. He gives us peace to live through the most hurting experiences with trust and hope. He is the voice within that tells us that it is time to move on.

Goodbye

No matter how hard we try, some good things never last.

One of my best friends left for good our community. I have prepared myself for this leavetaking, but still I feel the pain. More and more I come to terms with the temporariness of everything. We get to know people, with more or less difficulties, we build relationships, dare to trust and to love, then it is time to let go. Is it then worth it to build deep friendships?

It is really a question for me and I am almost tempted to take the easy way out. Knowing myself, I know that I wouldn’t do that. I would always risk to love. I hope it is not only because of my type of personality or temperament, but because of a deep conviction that love is the essence of being a human person, created in the image and likeness of God. But I hope that my love becomes purer each day, freely received and freely given. I hope I don’t use “love” to assuage the “ache” within which only God can fill. In short, I hope I don’t love people for my own selfish reasons. It is not going to be easy. I would need to be very truthful to myself and have the courage to face aloneness.

I thank my friend for these years that we have been together. She has really been a good friend, very patient in listening to me, even to my “crazy” ruminations. She has been a good model of a religious in her coherence and passion for the mission.

Goodbye, my friend, go with God.

Second half

I feel that I have entered the second half of my life.
This morning as I was making my meditation, I thanked God for the care-free, spontaneous and innocent first-half, and I asked Him to be present as I grapple with the second half, armed only with faith because I have experienced at various times of my life His faithful love.

Tender mercies

I've learned that the high point of any narrative is the moment of crisis that is triggered by a strong experience. And from the crisis point the narrative comes to its resolution.
Telenovelas are popular because they tend to involve the viewers especially in that moment of crisis when the protagonist and the villain are at their best, opposing forms. That highpoint is easy to identify because it is really the crux, where energies and words are at their highest and lowest.
But in life it rarely happens, or maybe I'm speaking about my life. It is more like an accumulation of little and ordinary daily things that you just take for granted. They're what I call the hassles of everyday life. They are like termites. They eat you up slowly but surely, until you just wake up one day and ask yourself "how have I arrived at this point?"
There is also no single point when you just say to yourself, "It has been resolved" or "I have already passed it". Sometimes no forgiveness is asked or given. You just live one day at a time. And time itself heals you slowly, through little, awkward steps, little and silent signs, small things which I call tender mercies.

A broken heart is like a bad tooth

Here is a realistic way of looking at a broken heart, sans the poetry:

A broken heart in real life isn't half as dreadful as in books. It's a good deal like a bad tooth... It takes spells of aching and gives you a sleepless night now and then, but between times it lets you enjoy life and dreams and echoes and peanut candy as if there were nothing the matter with it. ... It won't let you be miserable. It keeps on trying to make you comfortable ... and succeeding ... even when you're determined to be unhappy and romantic.

From Anne of Avonlea, by Lucy Maud Montgomery

Goodbye

Nothing is permanent in life. No one can contest this truth.

We cannot freeze time in order to live in a present that is “perfect”, that is, according to our own preference. No matter how we try, this “perfect” becomes sour, through someone’s or no one’s fault, because that is the rule of life.

I’ve learned this the hard way. Oh how much I resisted. I thought that if I just say the magic word, or do the right thing, things will revert back to the state where they have given me joy and security. I guess it was very naïve of me.

Now the word “goodbye” has acquired a deeper meaning. I still enjoy what today brings: a good work done, a problem solved, the company of a friend or loved one, but I am more aware that they are not permanent. I take today as a gift, and I let go as I am sure that there will be other “todays”.

So I will serenely say “goodbye”, which actually comes from “God-be-with-you”, believing that in the present moment shared, God is present, and when it is time to move on, God will still be present.

To say goodbye is an act of faith in God, my EVERYDAY compassion.

God's gift of time

I love Hallmark cards. They must have a good pool of researchers and writers since their card messages seem to express whatever it is a person cannot verbally express.
The other day I was cleaning my cupboard, trying to sort out the throwables from those worth keeping and I came across a card. I do not know who gave it to me, or maybe I bought it myself. The message is so beautiful, it's worth sharing to people who are going through a time of grief.

We all need a time to grieve - quiet time for reflection to sift through memories and come to grips with what has happened.

We all need a time for tears, not for the one who is now at peace in heaven, but for ourselves as we realize that things will never be the same.

We all need a time to just "be," when we can open ourselves to God and let the reassurance of His everlasting love start to heal our broken hearts.

Sharing the good news

Often it is easier for us to share gossip and bad news, but we aren't too free to share our realizations, the deep things we keep in our hearts. Maybe we are just afraid to bare our souls and be rejected.


I have come to the realization that I need to share with people because I have a good news to share. I thought it would sound boastful if I talk about God and how I see His hand working in me, and how I have realized that the most important thing in life is to have this personal relationship with Him, since this is the hinge that ties our whole life together.

No lasting city

One of the lessons I've learned about life is that, it moves on. We try to live the best way we can TODAY, loving the people we are with and giving the best of ourselves, but always with the knowledge that here, we have no lasting city.

Moving on

When we look with faith at our experiences, we know (at least in our heads) that everything falls into place in God's plan, even the unpleasant ones that make us suffer. But it is different for one who suffers, because there is a big distance between what we know in our mind and what we feel in our hearts. We just want to end the pain because we feel we do not have anymore energy. We are sapped of even our good resolutions when we really find ourselves in the depths.
It is then that we need to be kind to ourself. Be aware of what we feel, admit it, without laying any blame or guilt in ourself. Sometimes what happens to us could be a consequence of a bad choice of ours, but there is no use blaming ourselves. Just admit the pain, cry as much as you want to. When it subsides, make a choice just to continue to live just for this moment. Most importantly, consciously ask God's help, without being in a hurry. Ask God to bless you because even if you are not aware of it, you are moving on.

Crossroads

so there's no need for turning back coz all roads lead to where we stand.

Part of growing up spiritually is learning to be grateful for all things, even our difficulties, disappointments, failures, humiliations. (from Minute meditations)