It's all grace

Transformation or conversion begins, proceeds, is sustained and finds its fulfillment in God.
It doesn't start with having everything in my life totally in place.
It proceeds by letting grace, God's grace, fill my life and find a home in me.
It is sustained by the certainty that God loves me as I am, with still the many aspects of my life not in place.
Its fulfillment is not the self-assurance that "I made it". No, its fulfillment is being in the heart of God.
For, indeed, everything is grace.

Holding the uncertain

To hold the uncertain with tenderness and grace.

From faith to fidelity

 

The other day the priest who celebrated our Mass gave a very interesting insight. He said that faith is a gift from God that we have to constantly ask for; fidelity is our response to this gift of faith.
What is faith? There are so many responses and insights on this question.
At this point in my life I can say that faith is acknowledging that life is immersed in a greater mystery that is beyond myself and my concerns. This is the grace I ask from God: to see this truth and to live by this truth.
Living in faith will help me to make sense of, or at least to accept the contradictions and perplexities of life.
Living in faith will help me to live life with enthusiasm, creativity and activity even when I do not see the results of my efforts.
Living in faith will help me to see that I am connected to people, to the whole universe and to God. I am and will always be a daughter, a sister, a friend, a spouse, a mother.
And this is fidelity- a journey of living in faith.

Sin no more

"Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?"

His words made me aware that I am still alive. Yes, I am still here. The men haven’t stoned me to death.

I remember them all, men both young and old. Some of them looked familiar. Perhaps I have met them at one time or another. While some were totally strangers. But all were shouting as if in a chorus, "this woman has to die".

They dragged me to a man named Jesus. This name, too, sounds familiar. Have I met him somewhere? Oh no, he is a famous preacher going from town to town. Some were even saying that he works miracles.

I suddenly felt so alone amidst all these men. Don’t get me wrong. I am used to being alone. I have been for many years. Shunned by my family; despised by other women.

Then I remembered that he was asking me a question. I just managed a quiet "no one sir". I then waited for my sentence from this Rabbi. I was waiting for him to look at me with condemning eyes, or at least to sustain the judgment of the other men. After all people are like that. When they rise as a crowd no one can nor dare reason out. Besides, under our law I have to die. After all, I have committed a grave sin.

He didn’t even lift up his eyes to look at me. And suddenly I felt as if this man was looking through me and seeing my heart, the things I hold dear, the secret pains, the secret dreams. 

I haven't felt like this before. All through my life I have never felt this sense of completeness, of being at the right place at the right time. Perhaps that is the reason why I have drifted from place to place, from person to person. In exchange for a few moments of satisfaction I have prostituted my body; and worse, I have sold my soul.

Then he said his words of sentence "Neither do I condemn you. Go away, and from this moment sin no more." He said these words so softly, as in a whisper. Am I just imagining it?

But when I looked around and saw that everybody has left, I am sure that I am saved. Yes, saved, not only from physical death but from the death of my soul. I am saved by the graciousness of Jesus from a meaningless life.

Suddenly I feel at peace and grateful for this second chance. 

And when I am tempted again to sell my soul, I will just remember how once in my life a man named Jesus has risked his own life to give me back mine.

A very long distance

Between the mind and the heart, there is a very long distance. It happens very frequently to me now that certain things are very clear, reasonable and appealing to me at the level of the mind, but the heart says another thing. Sometimes I find myself numb and paralyzed. I know what I have to do, and I am totally convinced that I must do it, but the helplessness is there. So within myself I have two opposing forces. It must be what St. Paul was talking about...
To illustrate what I mean, it's like I have left my familiar shores because the other side is beckoning me. What lies ahead is very attractive, clear and luminous. I know I am moving but I don't seem to be getting nearer to the other side. I know I cannot go back anymore to my familiar shores, but where I am is a very insecure place. It's like I am moving but I don't seem to be going anywhere. It's like being stuck; I am neither here nor there.
Oh God, just give me what I need for today.
Let your grace be enough for me. Let your will be the source of my joy.

My first daisies

A miracle right before my eyes.
In the harshness of winter, behold my potted daisies...
The human spirit is resilient.
It can rise up after a fall,
it can dream again after any failure,
it can choose to be kind despite any negative experience.
When we make our journey with God, this is possible.

May daisies bloom in your heart always.

Not an opium

Karl Marx said that "religion is the opium of the people".
I disagree. My faith, my personal relationship with Jesus Christ, which I am re-discovering, thanks to Jesus Christ's grace and mercy, is not an opium.
First of all, I am not numbed to the realities of life. I feel very intensely the pain of a rejection, of unkindness, of doubt, of harshness, of violence and of injustice. On the other hand, I also see the hidden joys, the small acts of love, and the beauty that surrounds me, though I still have to grow some more in this aspect.
Secondly, my relationship with Jesus gives me a perspective that goes beyond myself. After being in touch with my feelings, without any excuses or denials, I go a further step: I tell myself that life is not about myself. I am not the center of the world. Things happen with or without my permission or contribution. This deflates my ego and prevents me from self-recrimination.
Thirdly, Jesus gives me a hope that is certain, that believes that "there is a morning after". It may take time, but even when apparently everything is at a standstill, or even regressing, the voice of hope, faint though it may be, resounds in my heart, assuring me that in the deepest and darkest recesses, the seed is growing. This hope makes patience and joy possible.
Fourthly, Jesus teaches me and enables me to go beyond the eye-for-an-eye adage. It is possible to offer the other cheek, to go the extra mile, to persevere knocking on the door.
Yes, believing in Jesus Christ changes my life. It doesn't become easier. It becomes meaningful.

God provides

Today is a miracle day!
I woke up very early because I had to catch an early train for an out of town meeting. I wanted to participate at the 6:30 am Mass before my departure. I did that. The trip was very calm and I managed to pray and make my meditation along the way. At around 8:15 I arrived at the place of the meeting and, surprise, another Mass was going on. So I had my second Mass. Then I had a fast but very good breakfast, chatting with some people I know.
The morning was full but very interesting. The group is preparing itself for the World Youth Day next year in Madrid. The invited guests answered very well and very profoundly the questions asked them. During our short break, I managed to catch up with some of the people I know.
Then it was time for lunch, and it was good and in a very cheerful atmosphere, despite the fact that I don't know many of the people present.
Unfortunately I had to leave right after lunch for a community commitment. I took the train once again and met a Filipina lady working in that zone. We were together on the train all the way to Rome. We had a good chat and she told me her story. I was edified by her strength and kindness. She has suffered a lot in life but she exudes a quiet and cheerful goodness. I was actually planning to take a nap during the trip back to Rome, but somehow with this lady, my plan was changed.
When I arrived home, I learned, thanks to a good friend, that prayer time was changed, and all the while I thought I could do a little work before prayer time. So I went to the chapel to pray vespers with the community. Then we had practice for our short program tomorrow. I was resigned to having to stay up to do two things I have to finish. But, surprise again, we finished our practice, I got to do the two things I needed to finish and I even had a little time for my private prayer.
So what is so miraculous about this day? First of all, I started it with a little pessimism, that feeling that bugs your heart when you feel that you have no choice and you just have to do things. Second, because I am finishing the day tired but with a very light and joyful heart. Third, because I am going to bed early.
I had an extra full day, not through any fault of mine. I lifted it up to the Lord and He provided. He is never outdone in generosity.