Lost

I have experienced in my life how I would, sort of, want to plunge all the way down, to reach the depths, reasoning out that after the depths there is no other way but up. It is as if in sinking all the way down, I will be able to exorcise my demons. It's like an attitude of just-get-it-over-with. It's like, for example, I just want to be irresponsible for once, to break the humdrum and monotony, to give in to my spontaneous self. Or is it?
These days I have become more aware that when moments like these come, and I am just ready to surrender, there is one part of me that just doesn't give up. I cannot really explain it rationally. When I am just ready to give in, I just do the opposite, which in this case is often the responsible thing to do, though in reality, logic and responsibility had nothing to do with it. It was like a spur of the moment thing, or maybe a habit that is hard to break.
It is not me who is at work, in moments like this. Does it mean I have lost my autonomy? Are my actions fruit of a decision, as human acts ought to be?
I am really in a maze here. Or maybe, life itself is a maze.