Smile again

Perhaps some will disagree with me, but as we end this year I can say that, as a general rule, no matter how deep the grief is, the day will come that you will learn to smile again.

A virtual canvas

I was in South Sudan for one week. It was a very enriching experience. So much poverty, but so much resilience on the part of the people. There, where life is simple, I saw the marvels of God's creation: birds with a variety of colors, the sky was like a never-ending canvas of God's creativity.
I admire our Sisters' simplicity and nearness to the people, sharing their fatigues and hopes.
I saw the famous Nile river (Sudan side) when we visited Mori, a small village near Juba. I felt as if I was transported back to the Philippines in its simplest rural towns. Mango trees abounded, goats and chicken running around with the children, women doing their chores, small huts made of mud.
The experience was like a crash course on how to welcome life as I met people with very little or even nothing, but with excited eyes in anticipation of life's surprises.

We shall overcome

I recently watched a television interview of a man who, fourteen months ago, lost his eldest daughter in a terrible accident. Six months before that, his wife died. So this eldest daughter was practically like a second mother to his youngest son.
He is a permanent deacon, so it was understandable that he talked about how faith has sustained him throughout the whole ordeal of waiting until the definitive news that his daughter’s body has been found. It is still faith in God that colors his everyday life. He said, “I believe that it is part of God’s will, though it is not always easy to understand”.
What has struck me the most, however, were not his words but his eyes. I cannot describe them. Even without saying anything, his eyes would have communicated a certain depth that has been reached only through the royal road of suffering. It wasn’t sadness I saw in those eyes, but joy tempered by the awareness of one’s fragility. It was something quiet and silent, a joy that has been tamed by pain and the experience of brokenness.
His eyes seemed to tell me, to tell us that in the midst of the most terrible pain, something good can come out; that God is faithful, though He doesn’t take away the suffering and the pain.
Here was a man who live each moment and each day with gratitude and trust that God never fails even when He seems silent. He will never fail us. We just need to trust.
And I believe him because of his eyes.

Happy birthday

The other day I celebrated my "birthday".
Last year, on October 16, after so many months of dryness and of dragging myself one day at a time, I suddenly had my eureka moment. I do not know what precipitated it, or what was its context, but I just had a very sure feeling deep in my heart that "the days of mourning are over". The feeling wasn't the result of the resolution of anything because my life's situation practically stayed the same, but I knew in my heart that my life was turning around, that, finally, the joy of the new dawn is coming.
So it is that I have chosen October 16 as my new birthday. Every year I will celebrate it because it reminds me that God will never allow anything to break me. I just have to trust Him. How can my small mind ever grasp life's great mystery? It's presumptuous to think so.
God didn't fail me. He never will.

Wait

I got inspired by the Gospel today. Actually, I have been struck by this passage last year and it has sort of accompanied my journey.

Then he said to them, 'Watch, and be on your guard against avarice of any kind, for life does not consist in possessions, even when someone has more than he needs.' Luke 12:15

Since God is a loving Father who takes care of our moment-by-moment needs, I call it my “daily bread spirituality”, I believe that, once again, He has enabled me to have an insight into my journey at this point in my life. I came across a book by Anselm Grün, OSB, “The Spiritual Challenge of Midlife”, and I know that it is a treasure. It doesn’t solve my questions, nor does it quench my angst, but, as I said, it offered me an insight, nay, so many insights, that I am even tempted to say that this “midlife crisis” is actually a blessing.

Midlife is an invitation to change perspective and to go inward, to know, not through your head but through your heart, after a lot of tears and o being bent and bruised, that what makes me happy is not to be in charge of my life. Rather, true joy comes from knowing that God is the only security. Hoarding doesn’t make me secure. Only gratitude and trust can.

Here are the words of the book. I cannot paraphrase them as I am afraid of losing their beauty and depth.

Many people get into a midlife religious crisis because they have the will to conquer religious life in the same way they conquered their professional lives. They continually want to grab onto religious experiences and, as it were, amass a spiritual fortune. Dullness and disappointment in prayer are an indication that I must give up the search for the God experiences, let go of my striving for ownership, and just be very simple before God. What is important is that I surrender myself entirely to God without constantly demanding gifts from him, such as rest, security or religious gratification. Detachment also requires the readiness to suffer. Detachment does not mean that one has found calm and enjoyment. On the contrary, one is willing to give up these things and is ready to let God lead one into the fray…

People should not break away from the difficulty, but simply wait. One cannot free oneself by one’s own power. A person can do nothing but wait for God himself to lead one into a new spiritual maturity. This also means trusting that God will not leave a person in distress without providing a positive outcome…

Midlife crisis also involves an internal change of leadership. It is no longer I, but God, who leads.

Grateful

Two and a half years ago, something happened that has turned my life upside down. It was something unexpected, and until now I am still clueless as to the real reason behind it. The experience has made me question the goodness of people and the goodness of life itself.
I have tried to face the issue despite my natural tendency to be afraid of confrontation, whether with myself or with others.
I have tried to “blackmail” God, asking Him to take away the hurt, just as a child would do with his mother after a scratch or a fall.
I have tried to be patient and to let time pass, thinking that things will get back on the right course.
I have tried to change myself, thinking that if I became a “better” person the situation will change.
I have tried a lot of things, a lot of techniques. I was telling myself that I was trying to be positive about the whole thing, but maybe, yes, probably, deep within my heart, I was longing for a return to the past, to my happy and uncomplicated life.
Things did not turn out that way. Rather, they turned out for the better.
I am grateful for the experience because I have learned and discovered so much about myself and about life.
I have discovered that my good and even heroic actions are always tainted by self-seeking. But I have also discovered that I can reach out and turn the other cheek.
I’ve learned that things change, people change, and it is not their fault that they do. It is the reality of life. But I have also learned that each person tries his/her best, that no one willfully hurts others.
I have discovered that the most devastating experience that could happen to me is not failure in my work or career, but the fracture in a human relationship. But I have also discovered that I am strong.
I’ve learned that the heart always wins over the head. But I have also learned that the heart reasons out on its own, and though it may take time, it can learn to fight or to let go.
Do I wish that the experience never happened to me? I think that the question is useless; though I would not wish that kind of experience on any body because I know how it almost broke me.
The experience made me believe all the more in the goodness and wisdom of God. It is in my weakness, in the lowest point in my life that I came face to face with the beauty of life and the resilience and dignity of the human spirit.
The Lord is my shepherd, there is nothing I shall fear.

Joseph's story is every person's story

These days we have been reading the story of Joseph and his brothers. This story has always fascinated me since I was a child. Joseph - the chosen one, the fair-skinned son of the beloved wife.
Joseph has certainly lived a charmed life as a boy, but everything ended in a flash. He certainly wasn't prepared for that fateful day when his life took an unexpected turn. Tired of being second best and of being lumped together in the generic term "Jacob's other sons", Joseph's brothers wanted to get rid of him. The first plan was to kill him, but one brother interceded "let's just sell him to the travelling merchants..."
Joseph pleaded, after all, these are his brothers. They have the same father, they ate at the same table. But the brothers' hearts have already been hardened. Envy and jealousy have a way of killing whatever spark of reason there is.
Then begins Joseph's many adventures...
From being sold as a slave, to being jailed, to being a high official in Egypt, second only to the Pharaoh himself.
It is a real dumpsters-to-throne story.
It takes only a few chapters of the book of Genesis to see how Joseph's life story had a happy ending.
In real life, it must not have been very easy for Joseph. Who knows how many nights he laid awake trembling with fear while he was with the caravan of the travelling merchants. What did he feel everytime he remembered his brothers' treachery and betrayal? How long did he struggle to accept that he was now alone in a hostile and foreign world, and that he would never see his beloved father again? Did he ever blame himself for what happened? Did revenge ever enter his mind? What about death, did he ever think of death as a sweet end to everything?
The Bible doesn't give answers to these questions, but given the number of years that it took before he ever saw his brothers again, I am sure that Joseph did not even imagine that his life would have not only a happy, but a glorious ending!
I guess Joseph's story is the story of every man and woman.
There are times in our life when we feel that there is no way out, that we have already exhausted all our options, that everything conspires to lead us to a downward spiral. There are many experiences that just don't make sense, no matter how much time and attention we give to dissecting them. There is just nothing in them for us except suffering.
But somehow, we survive, in different ways.
These experiences change us.
Probably for many of us, our stories will not have Joseph's perfect ending, that is, full closure, with people and events that have treated us badly, trampled our self-esteem and forced us to go on a very lonely journey.
For many of us, the happy ending will be something "quiet", like when we come to realize that, indeed, something good has happened out of the bad blows that life has dealt us with.
We do not know how long it will take before we arrive at this realization. That is why we need the presence of Someone who can be our deep center, Someone who will not give us the answers like a vendo machine, but Someone who will keep us company as we go through the journey's ups and downs, lights and shadows.
God will help us to read the beautiful stories that He writes with our life's crooked lines.

Never the same

Every person, at one time or another, goes through a "Humpty Dumpty" experience, when the world, as it is known, suddenly crashes and "all the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again".
This experience normally catches one by surprise, though, as one looks back, there may have already been signs along the way.
When the Humpty Dumpty experience happens, the first reaction is to ask oneself: Where did I go wrong? What didn't I do right? Why did this happen to me?
Then follows the frantic attempt to re-create the lost world, to try to put back things as they were. But, somehow, one finds out that the pieces of the puzzle don't fit anymore. You suddenly get the insight that, no matter how hard you try, it won't work, that any attempt is futile.
But your heart is afraid to surrender because, after all, the old world, despite its imperfections, is the only world you know.
Then daily life becomes a battleground:
between resistance and abandonment;
between holding on and letting go;
between self-blame and compassion;
between resentment and gratitude;
between despair and moving on.
It will take time before one finally reaches a certain level of equilibrium, when you start to see life in a realistic way, but with hope.
And there will still be moments of uncertainty, but that is okay because they remind you that this life is not our permanent home.
Yes, you will heal, but you're never the same.

My first daisies

A miracle right before my eyes.
In the harshness of winter, behold my potted daisies...
The human spirit is resilient.
It can rise up after a fall,
it can dream again after any failure,
it can choose to be kind despite any negative experience.
When we make our journey with God, this is possible.

May daisies bloom in your heart always.

Fragile

Some issues in my life have reached a certain level of resolution. I cannot say that they are "resolved" according to how I would prefer resolution to be. Polly's ideals have been shattered. My experiences have opened my eyes to the fact that life is on the move. I cannot freeze time. I cannot frame an experience. Things will not be and will never be the same again.
There are times when I am tempted to go to the roots of things and try to understand and look for answers and explanations, but all I get are "maybe's". There are so many maybe's. I know, deep in my heart, that I would never know the answer.
And come to think of it, if I knew the answer, would it undo the situation, or ease the suffering?
So I live through this mystery; indeed, I live in this mystery.
I have simplified my goal. I no longer aim to solve or to resolve it. Mysteries are not solved. But everyday I can let an aspect of this mystery illumine my life: my attitudes, my choices, my values, my treasures.
I feel a certain level of peace, but it is very fragile. Maybe it will always be so, and it is better this way. It reminds me of my creatureliness in need of a great God.
"We hold this treasure in earthen vessels, that the surpassing power may be of God and not from us. We are afflicted in every way, but not constrained; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed." (2 Cor 4:7-9)

The miracle

It is the power of God that empowers me. It is the wisdom of God that indicates to me the way, though it be a lonely road. It is the peace of God that enables me to live through each moment, especially the lonely and painful ones, without despairing. It is the patience and the kindness of God that gives me the strength to graciously deal with difficult people and circumstances.
All throughout this long, difficult and enlightening experience, I have realized that I need to face my experience straight in the eye, to give it the attention that it deserves, to shed tears if need be, to admit my mistakes and my impure motivations. It is okay to ask "why" it happened, but this shouldn't be the last question.
In every experience, God speaks. In the most hurting experiences, He speaks louder. What lessons does this experience teach me? What direction will my life take after this?
And throughout this whole process, I recognize and I entrust myself to a Power that is far greater than me. This Power loves me. This Power is a Father, my Heavenly Father who created me out of love and who, daily, moment by moment, sustains me with His love.
I am not a lost soul condemned to forever go around begging for a little affection. I am a Daughter, a beloved daughter, and in the Father I have all the love that I need. I just have to see this miracle that happens every day of my life.

Don't quit

"For I know well the plans I have in mind for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare, not for woe! plans to give you a future full of hope. When you call me, when you go to pray to me, I will listen to you. When you look for me, you will find me. Yes, when you seek me with all your heart, you will find me with you, says the Lord." (Jeremiah 29:11-14)

God's exquisite kindness

God has made me experience His exquisite kindness in two very special ways today.
While I was praying by myself in the chapel, I had the inspiration to go to the last pew. Normally I don't sit there because when people start to come, they distract me. Anyway, I heeded the inspiration and, therefore, had a long and good look at the big crucifix beside the altar. I had just read a book where somebody shared her experience of how in her difficult life, she has come to realize that "in the cross, somebody can truly understand" her. Yes, as I looked, as I gazed at that cross, I knew deep in my heart that someone understands the pain in my heart and the struggle to keep hoping. He, Jesus, knew the pain of betrayal, of rejection, of insuccess, of lack of comprehension. Yes, He understands. Somehow it gives me consolation as I go through this experience. In my solitude, someone keeps me company. His resurrection is the foundation of my hope that life triumphs.
The other experience happened also unexpectedly. I was feeling tired so I decided to take a walk in the garden, just to breathe a little fresh air, to see the flowers, the trees and the grass, to hear the birds and the young people playing in the nearby football field. Then I came across an elderly sister who has always touched me by her kindness and intuition. She was praying her rosary and she told me, "I am remembering you. Enlarge your heart, don't let suffering overcome you. Let go and you will learn to swim". Then we continued to chat. She shared with me some of her experiences and realizations. It wasn't a very long conversation, but it was life-giving.
Thank God for these special gifts today.

He has put timelessness into our hearts

"God has made everything appropriate to its time, and has put the timeless into their hearts, without men's ever discovering, from beginning to end, the work which God has done." (Ecclesiastes 3:11)
This text is part of a famous quote from Scriptures that starts with "There is an appointed time for everything". It is only today that I have been struck by this last part. God has an over-all plan, and that is a plan of joy and fullness of life. But this plan is an ongoing work, and we are involved in its construction. The problem is, we often question the whys of certain events and blame everything on God when things seem crazy and absurd.
If God has a plan, where is our freedom? Are we mere puppets in the hands of a great puppeteer? On the other hand, if we are responsible, then what use is it to pray and to ask God for help?
My own personal theory is this: God's plan is a plan of joy, of success, of fullness of life. We all have our part and what we do, what we say, even what we think, have their consequences in the lives of others and in God's plan of joy. But God continues to be present, motivating and inspiring us, so that despite our follies we may decide to cooperate in His plan. Mistakes and follies also have a place in this plan because they bring out the best in people like strength, resilience, kindness, compassion, forgiveness, sacrifice, etc.
Since we are a part of this puzzle, we are "in" and we cannot see the greater picture. What we see pertains only to our lives, or to the lives of those closest to us; and this may overwhelm us or make us despair. But if we just step back for a while and try to see the bigger picture, or just review a past experience, we will be amazed to see how even the most tragic thing can contribute to God's plan of joy.
Lastly, we will never find full joy in this life. God has put "timelessness" into our hearts. There will always be an angst, a sense of incompleteness, a craving for something more. Our hearts are too noble to be content with the created world, yet it is still too small in this life to be the dwelling place of a God who is so Great.

She loved much

Mary Magdalene is one of my favorite saints. The other day, July 22, was her feast.
Tradition has attributed to her different figures of women in the Gospel like the woman caught in adultery, the woman who anointed Jesus' feet with expensive perfume, the woman who stayed together with Jesus' mother at the foot of the cross, and the woman to whom Jesus first appeared on His resurrection.
What I like best about Mary Magdalene was her "all-or-nothing" attitude. If she was really the woman caught in adultery, then it is just one instance that shows her guts to give all, even risking her life. When she stayed at the foot of the cross, she also risked her life. When she ran to the apostles to bring the Good News of Jesus' resurrection, she risked her reputation.
When we love, we take risks. When we don't take risks, ours is not love but self-interest.
Taking risk means being vulnerable, accepting the possibility of betrayal and rejection. Is it then worth it? Is it worth it baring our heart and soul only to be rejected? I do not know. The problem with life is that it does not present clear-cut answers. There is always the gray area.
What I know is that God blesses this "all-or-nothing" risk-taking. Who loves much may experience many rejections, have her heart broken many times over, but that heart is being fashioned from a heart of stone, strong and impenetrable, to a heart of flesh.
Only a heart of flesh can understand the depth of love, how a love that is offered is not an idea; rather, someone has decided to take the risk of rejection because you are worth the risk.

Jesus in my heart

It's not for malice or ill-will that we don't know how to listen to people. I think it's because we are caught up in our production-oriented or efficiency-addicted world.
Despite our hyper-talk on the importance of community life, that it is the one that sustains our vocation, we water down community life to staying in the same house, praying at the same time, eating at the same time and at the same place, drafting a community plan and evaluating it. Some communities manage a step further and do have fun together; but very few are those where the members feel at ease in admitting their wounds and exposing their vulnerabilities, or sharing their inspirations and dreams.
We are fortunate when we find people who can be this for us. But they are not always around. I believe that God, our Provident Father, gives them to us at the right time, when we really need them. But, in the end, we need to "climb our mountains all alone", and to experience that in this solitude we are not really alone "Jesus is our true friend, our lifetime friend".
It's not rhetoric for me when I say this. I have experienced this, and I continue to do so. Jesus is here, in my heart. When I can be intimate with my self, when I am not afraid to accept myself as I am, it is to Jesus that I am exposing my self. When I manage to rise up, or just to drag myself through a difficult period, it is Jesus who tells me that I have it in me to be resilient and not to surrender.

A broken heart is like a bad tooth

Here is a realistic way of looking at a broken heart, sans the poetry:

A broken heart in real life isn't half as dreadful as in books. It's a good deal like a bad tooth... It takes spells of aching and gives you a sleepless night now and then, but between times it lets you enjoy life and dreams and echoes and peanut candy as if there were nothing the matter with it. ... It won't let you be miserable. It keeps on trying to make you comfortable ... and succeeding ... even when you're determined to be unhappy and romantic.

From Anne of Avonlea, by Lucy Maud Montgomery

In God's hands

Yesterday I got a sad news. A lady, who has helped one of our missions in Asia, has committed suicide.
How can this be explained? I don't know the lady personally, but from conversations with someone who has known her and closely worked with her, plus the many projects she had for this Asian country, I wonder if this news could be true.
How can a person so enthused with bettering the lives of others take her own life?
I do not have any answer. And difficult as it is, I have learned that in life, our questions do not always have answers, so that we just have to live in peace with the questions.
The more correct ones might ask, so where is she now? Is she in hell, after all she committed suicide?
I do not know. I just know that God is greater than our limited minds. He knows the depths of a person, and as I always say, thank God there is a God.
As a postcript I heard that this lady had a sad married life. Her husband died in an accident. She was childless. It seems her sad and tragic life led her to depression.
However, I know that we cannot simplistically reduce these different experiences in order to arrive at a conclusion and pretend to understand and analyze her life. I am not here to analyze. I just want to know what God is telling me through this event.
From my own experience, I can say that it may happen that a person so bubbling with life would, after a series of experiences, question life's sense, its goodness, its fairness, the sense of going on.
I am sure that she is in God's hands. God knows the human person's inner struggles, the desire to crawl out from the pit, the effort to get up each day. If only for that, God grants us peace.

God's gift of time

I love Hallmark cards. They must have a good pool of researchers and writers since their card messages seem to express whatever it is a person cannot verbally express.
The other day I was cleaning my cupboard, trying to sort out the throwables from those worth keeping and I came across a card. I do not know who gave it to me, or maybe I bought it myself. The message is so beautiful, it's worth sharing to people who are going through a time of grief.

We all need a time to grieve - quiet time for reflection to sift through memories and come to grips with what has happened.

We all need a time for tears, not for the one who is now at peace in heaven, but for ourselves as we realize that things will never be the same.

We all need a time to just "be," when we can open ourselves to God and let the reassurance of His everlasting love start to heal our broken hearts.

How to live

Don't be afraid of misfortune and do not yearn after happiness. It is, after all, all the same. The bitter doesn't last forever, and the sweet never fills the cup to overflowing. It is enough if you don't freeze in the cold and if hunger and thirst don't claw at your sides. If your back isn't broken, if your feet can walk, if both arms work, if both eyes can see, and if both ears can hear, then whom should you envy? And why? ... Rub your eyes and purify your heart and prize above all else in the world those who love you and wish you well.

(Alexander Solzhenitsyn, The Prison Chronicle)