Consequences

To act without accountability is not an expression of freedom. Indeed, every decision we make has a consequence, sooner or later. The consequences may affect us directly, but the consequences of these consequences will surely affect us in the long term.
It is a paradox but, in order to act free and to stay free, we have to choose to be responsible.

Freedom of expression

Not by force, never by force

I like what our Constitutions say about our style of education-evangelization: by persuasion.
By tapping on a person's interior resources, we create conditions that would allow the person to make a free choice.
Jesus never forces Himself on anyone, even when rejecting Him ultimately makes us sad. He just tries and tries again, knocking on our heart and hoping that we would open the door to Him.
We should do the same.

Born to be free

"It was for liberty that Christ freed us."
To live by the Spirit is to live in freedom, and this freedom is always projected to something higher, to something noble: the true, the good, the beautiful.
The journey to freedom is never easy because it requires us to strip ourselves of each and every security we have. True freedom is not some haughty or arrogant independence. It is rather based on the awareness that I come from God and I am going back to God; everything in between is passing.

Free to worship God without fear

Today's Gospel is on the Benedictus, Zechariah's prayer after the birth of his son John. We sing it every morning at Lauds. One of the lines says, "free to worship him without fear, holy and righteous in his sight, all the days of our life".
I am a Christian, and I consider it one of the biggest blessings of my life to be so.
But I am thinking, is the worship of God (any god for that matter), something natural to a human being, as natural as breathing?
I think it is.
Let me put it this way, all our decisions are based on some criteria. I think that the criterion that tops the rest is, sort of, what we consider "god" in our life.
As a Christian, I am called to more and more pattern my choices after that of Christ. No Christian perfectly embodies Christ's mind and heart. We are all on a journey of becoming better.
I think people misunderstand when they say they don't want to be enslaved by believing in God. We are already "enslaved" by something, call it God or something else. Even when we don't make decisions because we want to keep our options open, we are sort of enslaved by something; call it fear, uncertainty, a past experience.
The question is, "is this 'God' worth our loyalty?"

Letting God in

I often experience that I do something good in a difficult or impossible situation, or when I don't feel being good at all. Moments like this really remind me of God's goodness and greatness. I recognize that it is God, not me, who is at work.
I don't see it as a non-respect of my freedom; rather, I see it as a reminder that my essence is goodness, and this essence is a sharing in God's very own identity.

Continuing the journey

There are certain experiences in life that leave a big mark. They make us lose our "innocence" and question the things we believe in. As I am writing this, I am reminding myself that when this happens I don't have a grasp of the whole picture. I am seeing things from my own perspective, using my own filters.
I don't want to judge people. I hope I am not judging people. I don't want this to be "us against them". I don't want this to be "my crusade" against a person or a group. Rather, I hope that God will transform me and grant me wisdom of heart so that I may see as God sees, and leave the judgment of people in God's hands. May I learn to judge a situation with the criteria of the Gospel, so that I may truly discern the right attitude and course of action. May God grant me unwavering hope.
May God help me to grow...
... in interior freedom so that I may be healed of my prejudices and my paralyses;
... in coherence of life between what is in my heart and what I say and do;
... in transparency because anything that is not done in truth is like a castle in the air that doesn't last;
... in going out of my comfort zones so that I may be able to give, especially to people who cannot or will not repay me, and to forgive again and again.

Doors

As I looked at the open door, something poignant tugged at my heart. An open door says "you are welcome to come in" as well as "you are free to go". Both are expressions of surrender. I am not in control. I leave the decision totally to the other. Open doors are a sign of freedom. Open doors are a sign of growth.

The truth that makes us free

Jesus said, "I am the way, the truth, and the life". And in another place He said, "If you remain in me ... you will know the truth and the truth will make you free".
Is it really possible to be free?
Our way of looking at freedom is to be able to do what we want, whenever and wherever we want.
But life itself teaches us that this is a total lie. In fact, a lifestyle based on this mentality leads to addiction and slavery... to unfreedom.
What is the truth that Jesus is talking about?
Jesus is the Truth because His person demonstrates to us the most basic truth about our life: We are God's children. Sonship or daughtership is our very identity. Outside of it we don't find real meaning or a lasting point of reference in our life. It is the anchor that renders our life navigable.
Jesus is the Way to the Truth because by looking at Jesus, by listening to the message of Jesus, and by making Jesus' life and message the point of reference and the criteria of our life, we arrive at the truth about God, about ourselves, about the world.
Just an aside: When I was taking up my masters in theological studies, this last phrase was one of those we had to memorize. But it is only now, with the passage of time, with the variety of experiences I've had, that I have come to realize what it means.
It is the adherence to this very essential truth about God, about ourselves and about the world that will make me free. It certainly does not make life easier; rather, it makes life simpler. It strips and unmasks the falseness of many situations and dynamics of our life. It prevents us from falling into the trap of a worldliness that makes us pass on from one whim to another. It makes us naked and bereft of things or attachments we used to consider as securities, but which in reality are bondages that oppress us.
To be free is to arrive, deep down in the core of our being, at the truth that we don't need to hold on to anything because we are always held in God's loving hands.

Free

Jesus came not to abolish the law but to bring it to completion. And what is the completion of the law? That we don't need laws anymore because we have come to the profound realization that, since we are children of God, we are free. As St. Paul said, we don't use our freedom as a cloak for vice but to pursue true love.

God has loved me first

Today's first reading (1 John 4:7-10) is both beautiful and consoling: God loves me.
But it is also way beyond my normal experience of love: God has loved me first.
My usual experience of love is that there is a certain vibes between two people, a sort of connection that cannot be explained. But a big part of that connection lies on the fact that you are lovable, that is, you have certain qualities that make you lovable for the other peson.
What makes this a little bit complicated is when one wants to be lovable to the other person, yet there is no connection. And a lot of people undergo an overhauling of their own person just so they can somehow have the "x factor" that would make them lovable to the other person. And we see the sad and even tragic consequances of this in so many lives.
So it is not easy to believe when we hear that Somebody loves us first, that is, as we are, for no reason at all, without any merit on our part.
But this unbelievable good news is true! Someone, and that Someone is God, has loved us first.
How is this possible? Because God is love. Loving is God's identity.
Oh how different we would live our lives if we only delight in this truth instead of running after people and proving them that we are worthy to be loved!

Bells

One of the unusual, in a good way, experiences I am having up here is the delight in listening to the bells of the chapels and churches throughout the valley. Their ringing signals the time or an invitation to Mass. At some point they sound as if they are talking to each other with one asking a question and the other responding. It is as if they are talking about a mystery, sharing a secret that only they know.
I feel called to discover the secret, to be part of that mystery. And when I just close my eyes and really listen, I have a feeling that I am getting closer and closer to the secret.
I feel sad that we have lost this connection with mystery. We want to have explanations for everything. I don't think that is bad. But what is bad is when we become too attached to our explanations, forgetting that life is infinitely more interesting. We forget the art of asking questions because we have lots of things to do and responsibilities to face, and so we become secure in our state of blissful ignorance. 
The bells in this valley remind me that our life is a part of a bigger mystery. It is okay not to be sure. It is okay to ask questions. Nay, they are the beginning of liberation.

A very long distance

Between the mind and the heart, there is a very long distance. It happens very frequently to me now that certain things are very clear, reasonable and appealing to me at the level of the mind, but the heart says another thing. Sometimes I find myself numb and paralyzed. I know what I have to do, and I am totally convinced that I must do it, but the helplessness is there. So within myself I have two opposing forces. It must be what St. Paul was talking about...
To illustrate what I mean, it's like I have left my familiar shores because the other side is beckoning me. What lies ahead is very attractive, clear and luminous. I know I am moving but I don't seem to be getting nearer to the other side. I know I cannot go back anymore to my familiar shores, but where I am is a very insecure place. It's like I am moving but I don't seem to be going anywhere. It's like being stuck; I am neither here nor there.
Oh God, just give me what I need for today.
Let your grace be enough for me. Let your will be the source of my joy.

To forgive

To forgive is to do yourself a favour.
To forgive is to set yourself free, free to smell the flowers, free to listen to the birds.
To forgive is to unburden yourself of baggages that make your journey tedious and prevent you from soaring high.

In the desert

With the Spirit's help, I would really like to live this Lenten season "in the desert", bereft of my securities. I read somewhere that the desert is the place of the essentials.
With the passing of the years, my life has become complicated: so many knots, so many gray areas, so many rationalizations. Sometimes it is hard for me to see and to recognize my own values and convictions.

What or who do I hold dearest in my life?
I know that I have made a lot of decisions, big and small, that were dictated by convenience and utility - because I wanted to fit in, because that was expected of me, because I did not want to offend, because I just wanted to end the discussion, because I did not want to get hurt, etc., etc.

What are the securities that I have accumulated?
My experience of these past two years has made me realize that these so-called securities are false. Indeed, they make me feel more insecure because I hold on and I cling to them so desperately, and so I lose my freedom and spontaneity.

So, welcome to this 40-day desert experience. I know that by myself, I cannot do it.

The desert is not some exotic place we see in postcards. It is a place of hostile forces.
When the howling winds of my mistakes haunt me,
When the scorching heat of rejection and judgment is unbearable,
When the cold nights of solitude are just too much,
When the lack of water and other things I used to rely on make me crippled and desperate...
When these temptations call me to turn back, I need a deep Center, Someone who will stay with me through it all, so that I may enter the land of freedom, the Promised Land.

Jesus is that deep Center. He will walk with me through the desert and lead me to freedom.

Balls in the air

These days there are so many "balls in the air", an expression that I use when I find myself faced with so many pending things. By nature, these things tend to make me nervous. I prefer to do things one at a time. I enjoy the feeling of knowing I have finished something, that I have, sort of, "closed one drawer", even if it is something small or barely significant.
The irony is, it is these days that I experience very strongly the power of Jesus Christ. I am witness to so many miracles, big and, most of the time, small in my everyday life. Before I go to bed, I leave everything in the hands of Jesus. When I cannot seem to solve or to finish something, I consciously ask Jesus to take over. After all, I am just His instrument.
And I experience peace and a bit of humour, as I come more and more to the realization that I am not at the center. I am not the saviour of the world. This realization does not make me lazy. Nay, it makes me grateful.
I can do something. God involves me in His work of salvation, it doesn't matter whether what I do is big or small, visible or hardly seen. What is important is the love that God gives me that permeates my whole being, enabling me to give love, albeit an imperfect one.
Yesterday I had a sophia experience. These days I have been working on a little reflection about how we can improve our evangelization in Asia. It wasn't an easy work. I had to spend time and accept the contribution of others in order to, sort of, bring my reflection to maturity. I am happy with what I was able to produce. My boss was very appreciative, too. But the reflection is quite long and it needs to be reduced and the Italian has to be corrected. For a while, I felt protective of my work. It was as if I did not want anybody to touch it because I have worked hard for it. It is my baby.
Then a line from the Litay of Humility came to my mind: That others may be seen and I set aside.
O Jesus, how totally and radically different are your ways from our ways, from our natural sentiments.
Then I realized that I do not need praise. Even if others do not recognize or may never know my work, I am not deprived of anything. Having done something good is a joy in itself. And the learnings and insights I've gained, no one can take them away from me.

On loving myself

Coming from a third world and a formerly colonized country, I've always looked up to first world / western countries and their people.

When I was a child, it was always a treat for us when relatives from abroad, especially from the US, came bringing stuff from these countries.
On the other hand, being born and having grown up in the city, I "felt" a certain superiority over my relatives living in the province. It wasn't really something conscious on my part. It was part of life and custom then.
I guess, in a way, it has influenced my way of looking at myself and my attitudes and behavior. To people who were "superior" to me, I was with a certain deference; while to those who were "inferior", I exhibited a certain haughtiness or snobbishness, or I tended to be patronizing.
I am called to conversion in this area.
First, I have to let the truth, which I believe in, that "we are all equal; we are all beloved children of the Father", to sink from my head to my heart, so that it would penetrate my whole being and change my behavior.
Second, I need to allow God to love me. I need to bask in this unconditional love that is freely given to me. I think, despite the many moments I've spent in reflection and in prayer, I haven't really believed in this truth. It will take time since my mind, my whole way of looking at the world, have been influenced by the world's idea that "everything has to be earned". Believing in God's unconditional and freely offered love is my only salvation. This is what will liberate me from the tendency to be a people-pleaser, from letting myself be at the mercy of people and of events, from unjustly expecting that people and events dance to my tune so that I will be okay.
Third, I have to realistically accept myself. I am a good person; yet, I am still a person-becoming. I have the tendency to avoid conflict because I've always believed that it is very difficult to repair something already broken. This leads me, unconsciously, to "buy people" or to "hide my own feelings and opinion".
But in life, conflict is inevitable. It could even be a doorway to growth.
A little humor will certainly be helpful in this area. My life is not a telenovela. There are lousy days, and they are part of life, so I need not exaggerate about them.
In relation to this, as a first concrete step, I have changed my desktop with a lighter-color-motif. Maybe it is also time to change my blog theme. Let's see.
Hope is beckoning me.

Everything is gift

"But things slowly change. Ulcers heal, the scars disappear; first the physical ones, and later, much more slowly, the emotional ones. You feel strength again and old friends and old circles begin to open up again.
Health returns but it is different. Some of the old self-confidence is gone, replaced by a new sense of vulnerability and relativity that is immensely freeing.
You realize more clearly what is gift and what is earned. You know that you, on your own, cannot guarantee your own health, nor your attractiveness and desirability in love and friendship.
Stripped naked, weakened, and greatly humbled, you stop fighting, first because you are defeated, but later, when strength and resources return, because you realize that there is no reason to fight.
Life, health, love, it is all pure gift! You take less for granted and your old need to perform, to achieve, to dominate, to possess and impress, to win by effort what can only be received as gift, has been dealt a blow. It is painful, but freeing: painful because you realize that there is so little you can do; freeing because you realize that there is so little you have to do.
You begin to beg for conversion (even as you sense how difficult it is) because you would want to transvaluate all your values and priorities, your whole self, and begin life anew."

(Fr. Ronald Rolheiser, OMI)

An eye for an eye

When in the name of justice and hurt, I continue to punish the one who was unjust to me, I simply become unjust myself. Inflicting pain on the one who hurt me will never eliminate my own. It will simply continue the spiral of pain.

(sr. Joan Chittister OSB)

Don't judge

Do not judge. You do not know the whole story. You could be wrong. And if you are wrong, your judgment will take away your peace. And if you happen to be right, your feeling of self-righteousness will be short-lived.
So, don't judge, for your own peace.