Still missing you

I still miss you. It's almost twenty years since you've passed on, but I still remember your quiet and contagious laughter that came from your simple soul. Your laughter came not from the fact that everything was okay, but because you believed that God takes care of everything in His own time, even if that time didn't come according to our program. You were happy when we were together as a family, including the extended one, again, not because everything was perfect but because that is what a family is about.
From heaven, continue to watch over us. Pray for the world, that we may all rediscover that it is in the simple things in life, lived in authenticity that we truly find joy.
Happy birthday in heaven, nanay.

Because you believed!

You didn't seek fame or greatness, but now every generation calls you blessed.
You said yes even if it was not easy for you to imagine how it could be possible, and your faith was strengthened to the point of saying to others "Do whatever he tells you!"
You gave up your only son to be about his Father's business, and now you are invoked as "Mother" of people from all races, from generation to generation.
What was your dream, o Mary, when you were a little girl? I bet it wasn't like how your life turned out to be. God, indeed, is infinitely more creative than us. God has done great things in your life. Blessed are you who believed!

Nanay

Remembering my nanay today. She would have turned 79. I know that in heaven she continues to watch over us, loving us more and just rooting for us to be happy, truly happy.
I miss you, Nanay.

A woman on my mind

As we celebrate International Women’s Day today, I think about my mother. It’s been almost fourteen years since she passed away. What will I always remember about her?

She loved to reach out to people. Their indifference or cruelty made her suffer but she always managed to just heave a deep sigh, or cry in secret or in the company of a trusted person. But she would not let an uncharitable retort or cruel words come out of her mouth. Was this a sign of weakness? Some may say so, but I don’t. For me this was a sign of great self-control and a magnanimous heart that knows that she is not the center of the world.

She loved life. She laughed a lot. She gave gifts on birthdays, Christmas days, or for no occasion at all, not big ones for she couldn’t afford that, but gifts that made the other person feel special. I didn’t even know about this, but during our frequent family get-togethers now someone would always remember some experience.  

She loved God. She always saw everything in the light of faith. She would always say “Bahala na ang Diyos” (God will take care of it) or “Ipinagpapasa-Diyos ko na lang” (I leave it in God’s hands). And the decisions she took were always based on this certainty. She wasn’t lazy, though, or passive. She did her part, but it was okay if things didn’t turn out the way she wanted. She knew how to move on.

Did she love herself? We know that a healthy personality would entail a healthy love of oneself. So to the question whether she loved herself, I’d say yes. But my mother was a wise woman. She knew that “herself” was a part of a greater whole. “Herself” was always in relation with something, or someone, or Someone.

If my mother would take a personality test, perhaps she wouldn’t make a perfect score. I don’t care about that. I don’t even want to make a perfect score myself. It would be enough for me if I learn from my mother that life is NOT a property to be consumed, but a gift received that becomes more meaningful when shared. We don’t need to wait to have a perfect life for us to be happy because happiness is something we choose for ourselves with whatever ingredients life offers to us.

A mother's love

After God's, a mother's love is the most unconditional love.

Honor your father and your mother

To honor our father and our mother is to love them. We don’t love people because they deserve to be loved. That is not love. That is barter.

To love people because they love us is not love. That is negotiation.

Love is a higher calling. It doesn’t depend on a person’s worthiness or on our feelings. Jesus tells us the real measure of love: our Father in heaven who lets the his sun rise on both the good and the bad alike. Can anybody beat that? I don’t think so, but that is the standard. So when our love is selective, perhaps we shouldn’t call it love.

To love our father and mother is to reconcile ourselves to our personal history and to the imperfections of life.

It isn’t easy. Who says it is? But it is the only way to find peace, healing, a way to move forward in life.

Mothers

Yesterday was Mother's Day. Since it was a Sunday, I didn't open my Facebook page (it is sort of a personal discipline for me that I don't use the internet on Sundays) and missed a wonderful message from a dear friend:
"Mother's day is a wonderful time for each of us to take a moment and honor motherhood. Motherhood is not merely defined by the bearing and raising of children but is rather a statement regarding the divine nature of women. All women, whether or not they bear children, can fulfill the role of mothers. The work they do should also be remembered as we celebrate Mother's Day. Happy Mother's Day ..., thank you for all that you do and for taking good care of our youth...the hope of our future, the future of our Church. God bless always."

I pray that all women may not renounce their unique privilege of being mothers, God's collaborators in creating life and in making it grow. 
May we look at our children as God's gifts, not as product of our arrogant and sophisticated intelligence.
May we respect our children as unique individuals with a life of their own, not as trophies to banner around when we want to. 
May we patiently teach our children, first through our life and then through words, that life has a purpose that is found only in a true relationship with God.
May we be guardians of life, of each person's equal right to it, despite the gloomy external circumstances.
May we be expressions of the God who delights at our happiness and wipes away the tears when we are heartbroken.

Mother

I dreamt of my mother the other night. In my dream, I was sick and had to be confined in my room. Then I just heard a commotion outside and somebody told me that they were bringing my mother somewhere because she needs to be away for some time for a much needed rest. I wanted to go out and to say goodbye to her but they wouldn't let me because I was sick. I shouted and I cried but they wouldn't let me. The last image I had was of seeing my mother from afar being accompanied outside. Then I woke up.
Today is my mother's tenth death anniversary. I can't believe it has been ten years. I still cannot believe that when I go home for my vacation she will not be there.
My mother died suddenly. She was not bedridden nor was she confined to a hospital. She had some medical problems, but just a month before her death, we were together for my brother's diaconal ordination.
In fact, the memories I have of my mother will always be that of a smiling woman, friendly, outgoing, always willing to lend a helping hand, forgiving and never keeping grudges. Her patience was really admirable.
I miss my mother so much. I am sure that just by being with her, I would be re-charged and renewed, in order to see life with optimism, to look at people with compassion, to deal with everyday mistakes with humility, and to have a great trust in God.
Somehow, I know that she is still with me. After all, a part of her is in me.
Thank you, nanay. I miss you. From heaven, continue to bless our family and fill our hearts with joy.

Mother Mary in my life

Mary is, and has always been a mother to me, especially after I’ve lost my own mother in 2001. The way I consider Mary as my mother is in a way influenced by my own experience of my mother. Mary’s presence in my life is like a quiet thread that runs through my life. She has never sought to be the protagonist in my life, but she has always led me to Jesus.
As I try to deepen my relationship with Mother Mary, I am greatly helped by Scriptures, especially the Gospels. They help me to know the historical Mary, who also had her own share of doubts and questions, of disappointments and struggles. Mary in Scriptures is not a cold ideal that is unreachable, but someone who can relate with me as she herself has gone through an interesting and unpredictable journey.
This was a very recent experience as I meditated on the Seven sorrows of Mary during the Lenten season. Mary’s sorrows are mirrors of my own losses, disappointments, struggles and failures. She is helping me to face them with courage and serenity, filled with trust in God, the faithful One.

A portion of her joy

When they had crossed, Elijah said to Elisha, 'Make your request. What can I do for you before I am snatched away from you?' Elisha answered, 'Let me inherit a double share of your spirit.'

(2 Kings 2:9)

Today would have been my mother's 72nd birthday. I miss her. Her death was so sudden that we didn't even have time to prepare ourselves for it. But then, who is ever prepared for the death of a loved one?
She died nine years ago but to my mind and my heart she is still very much alive. Maybe it is a blessing that I've not seen her bedridden or confined to a hospital. She will always remain to me a happy and friendly person, always reaching out and trying to make people feel at ease, even those who were quite condescending towards her.

As I remember her today, I ask for a portion of her joy. A joy so authentic, that she has always radiated it in the most stressful and difficult situation. A joy so pure that she was never left without it even when people were indifferent and unkind.

Nanay's testament

I have nanay's testament, after all. She and my father gave me a bible for my birthday in 1995. Here is her message:

Our prayer for your birthday is Heb. 13:16. And may our Lord Jesus Christ always be the center of our life and may our Mother Mary be always our model.

With prayerful love,

Tatay and Nanay

Nanay wrote the message, but she put my dad's signature ahead of hers. She was always like that, letting others take the centerstage.

And what does Hebrews 13:16 say?

Do not neglect to do good and to share what you have; God is pleased by sacrifices of that kind.

A very good program of life, indeed!

Nanay: the wind beneath my wings

I will always remember nanay with her kind and smiling eyes. She was a person who would make the first step to make people at home. She had many friends because of her kindness and thoughtfulness. Birthdays and important occasions were always remembered by her.

I have to confess that I haven't really shown nanay how much I appreciate her in my life. Do I regret that? Yes, I do. But somehow I have a feeling that nanay, with her very generous heart, read even my simple words and gestures as signs of appreciation.

I've never really had heart-to-heart talks with nanay. Our life was simple and day-to-day struggles were dealt with in undramatic ways.

Being the eldest, I sort of looked up to my father in terms of taking on responsibilities and preparing for my future, but nanay never felt left out. She understood.

I couldn't say that nanay was a woman of few words, because she liked to talk a lot, and that was one of her endearing qualities. But her words were simple, the stuff of everyday conversation. It was her way of reaching out to people, not of showing off. So I couldn't really remember any particular phrase or expression that I could consider her "testament".

Nanay's testament to me is her letting go, her everyday gestures of allowing others to shine. She was the wind beneath my wings.

Happy mothers' day, nanay. I really, really miss you.