Not an opium

Karl Marx said that "religion is the opium of the people".
I disagree. My faith, my personal relationship with Jesus Christ, which I am re-discovering, thanks to Jesus Christ's grace and mercy, is not an opium.
First of all, I am not numbed to the realities of life. I feel very intensely the pain of a rejection, of unkindness, of doubt, of harshness, of violence and of injustice. On the other hand, I also see the hidden joys, the small acts of love, and the beauty that surrounds me, though I still have to grow some more in this aspect.
Secondly, my relationship with Jesus gives me a perspective that goes beyond myself. After being in touch with my feelings, without any excuses or denials, I go a further step: I tell myself that life is not about myself. I am not the center of the world. Things happen with or without my permission or contribution. This deflates my ego and prevents me from self-recrimination.
Thirdly, Jesus gives me a hope that is certain, that believes that "there is a morning after". It may take time, but even when apparently everything is at a standstill, or even regressing, the voice of hope, faint though it may be, resounds in my heart, assuring me that in the deepest and darkest recesses, the seed is growing. This hope makes patience and joy possible.
Fourthly, Jesus teaches me and enables me to go beyond the eye-for-an-eye adage. It is possible to offer the other cheek, to go the extra mile, to persevere knocking on the door.
Yes, believing in Jesus Christ changes my life. It doesn't become easier. It becomes meaningful.

From within

There was a period in my life when I have completely lost my self-esteem. I questioned my goodness, my beauty, my creativity, the sense of my life. I've concluded that the only contribution I can give is in manual work. So there was a point when I worked like crazy in cleaning the corridor and the toilet, in keeping things in order and in helping in the kitchen. It was not something that was forced upon me. No, I actually enjoyed doing them, and I still do. The point is, they were, for me, affirmations that I am worth something.
At around the same time I also read somewhere that one of the helps to get back self-esteem is to have an affirmation file. So I started a notebook where I wrote down lines of affirmation I received. This was also of help, and I am amazed at how I am appreciated and loved by many people.
However, I have come to realize that these are just "crutches" that will help me a little to get back to my feet, but they do not really give something deeper and stable on which to re-build my life.
I have to find that strength within me. I know that I have it. It is the presence of Jesus. His love that is faithful and gratuitous is the key to accept myself as imperfect and beautiful, beloved and saved every moment.

The joy of Jesus

I have come to realize that joy does not happen because everything is perfect. Things will never be perfect in this life, so if I wait for them to be before I expect joy, then I am in for a big and fatal disappointment.
Joy, true joy, comes from Jesus. He freely gives it to us but there is only one way to it, the royal road of the cross. However, Jesus also promised that this joy is lasting, that no one can ever take it away from us.
Early this morning I had a "sophia moment". Deep in my heart I heard the words, "Hide yourself in Jesus".
May I not want to be protagonist; rather, may I be happy when others are seen and I am set aside.
When what I do or who I am is not appreciated, then I should be happier because then, it is truly for God.
May I not have expectations from people; rather, may I always be grateful.

On loving myself

Coming from a third world and a formerly colonized country, I've always looked up to first world / western countries and their people.

When I was a child, it was always a treat for us when relatives from abroad, especially from the US, came bringing stuff from these countries.
On the other hand, being born and having grown up in the city, I "felt" a certain superiority over my relatives living in the province. It wasn't really something conscious on my part. It was part of life and custom then.
I guess, in a way, it has influenced my way of looking at myself and my attitudes and behavior. To people who were "superior" to me, I was with a certain deference; while to those who were "inferior", I exhibited a certain haughtiness or snobbishness, or I tended to be patronizing.
I am called to conversion in this area.
First, I have to let the truth, which I believe in, that "we are all equal; we are all beloved children of the Father", to sink from my head to my heart, so that it would penetrate my whole being and change my behavior.
Second, I need to allow God to love me. I need to bask in this unconditional love that is freely given to me. I think, despite the many moments I've spent in reflection and in prayer, I haven't really believed in this truth. It will take time since my mind, my whole way of looking at the world, have been influenced by the world's idea that "everything has to be earned". Believing in God's unconditional and freely offered love is my only salvation. This is what will liberate me from the tendency to be a people-pleaser, from letting myself be at the mercy of people and of events, from unjustly expecting that people and events dance to my tune so that I will be okay.
Third, I have to realistically accept myself. I am a good person; yet, I am still a person-becoming. I have the tendency to avoid conflict because I've always believed that it is very difficult to repair something already broken. This leads me, unconsciously, to "buy people" or to "hide my own feelings and opinion".
But in life, conflict is inevitable. It could even be a doorway to growth.
A little humor will certainly be helpful in this area. My life is not a telenovela. There are lousy days, and they are part of life, so I need not exaggerate about them.
In relation to this, as a first concrete step, I have changed my desktop with a lighter-color-motif. Maybe it is also time to change my blog theme. Let's see.
Hope is beckoning me.

Marks

I am not a writer. In fact, the highest I could reach in this department was as Campusiana editor of our paper way back in high school. It wasn't really a serious column, just a corner where you found jokes, puzzles, light gossip, etc. In fact, the name of my column was "Chatterbox". Got the point?
But once in a while I do get flashes of inspiration, which a favorite author of mine calls "Sophia moments". Well, when I do get "possessed" by my Sophia moment, I just write and write and write. It seems like the pen has a life of its own that neither my hands nor my brain can cope with. I cannot even check the grammar (I do that later) and my right hand feels numb and tired because of the haste. So my handwriting is undecipherable and heavy. Yes, it is so heavy that the following five pages still bear the marks of what I've written down. When I touch these pages, it is like reading braille.
In a way, life is like that. The pages ahead of me may look blank, but they are not. My future bears some marks, leftovers or ghosts of my past.
As we begin this new year, we are exhorted to leave the past behind, turn on a new leaf and start anew. Well, they do sound good and offer much hope, but they are not very realistic.
The pages ahead in the book of my life are not blank. But it doesn't mean that I cannot write down anything. Yes, I can and I am called to turn the page, but aware of the baggage that I carry. I will not let the baggage prevent me from filling up a new page, from writing a new story. The baggage will help me to understand why my story has to take another twist, or why it seems to wander in another direction.
Yes, these marks will remind me that my stories are part of a bigger story. But there is an eternal hope in my heart that despite the twists and turns, my story has a happy ending.

A new year blessing

A friend of mine texted me a beautiful blessing for the new year. I do not know if it is something original. I find it very simple but deep. I shared it with other friends and one added another line.
Now it really sounds like a Hallmark greeting.
How wonderful it is to know that despite our differences, in many ways we are connected in our dreams and desires.
Here is the blessing...

May all your sunrises in 2011 be glorious and bright,
and all your sunsets be filled with fulfillment and delight,
and thanksgiving, peace and hope hum you to sleep at night.

Thank you, Jesus

Thank you, Lord, for the good times. They fill my heart with joy.
Thank you, Lord, for the bad times. They make me discover my inner treasures.
Thank you, Lord, for your quiet Presence that permeates my every day.
Thank you, my Everyday Compassion.