I give it up freely

The words of Jesus "No one takes my life away from me. I give it up freely" (Jn 10:18) resonated so deeply in my heart these days of the Holy Week.
This is the reason why there was no rancor and bitterness in Jesus, only a quiet assertion of the truth.
This is the reason why there were no harsh words against his persecutors, only words of intercession and forgiveness.
This is the reason why despite his disfigured appearance, he emanated a quiet dignity that made the centurion say, "truly, this was an upright man" (Lk 23:47).
Suffering is and will always be a part of our life. And suffering comes in many forms.
We can let suffering make us bitter, vindictive, abusive or indifferent. But if we choose any of these options we make suffering victor over us.
There is another way, and that is the way of Jesus: to look at suffering with its redemptive value. When we choose this, we don't let suffering overcome us. Then we can look at suffering in the eye and, like Jesus, say, "No one takes my life away from me. I give it up freely".
Then we suffer with dignity.
And this is what makes the difference between victims and martyrs.

The truth that makes us free

Jesus said, "I am the way, the truth, and the life". And in another place He said, "If you remain in me ... you will know the truth and the truth will make you free".
Is it really possible to be free?
Our way of looking at freedom is to be able to do what we want, whenever and wherever we want.
But life itself teaches us that this is a total lie. In fact, a lifestyle based on this mentality leads to addiction and slavery... to unfreedom.
What is the truth that Jesus is talking about?
Jesus is the Truth because His person demonstrates to us the most basic truth about our life: We are God's children. Sonship or daughtership is our very identity. Outside of it we don't find real meaning or a lasting point of reference in our life. It is the anchor that renders our life navigable.
Jesus is the Way to the Truth because by looking at Jesus, by listening to the message of Jesus, and by making Jesus' life and message the point of reference and the criteria of our life, we arrive at the truth about God, about ourselves, about the world.
Just an aside: When I was taking up my masters in theological studies, this last phrase was one of those we had to memorize. But it is only now, with the passage of time, with the variety of experiences I've had, that I have come to realize what it means.
It is the adherence to this very essential truth about God, about ourselves and about the world that will make me free. It certainly does not make life easier; rather, it makes life simpler. It strips and unmasks the falseness of many situations and dynamics of our life. It prevents us from falling into the trap of a worldliness that makes us pass on from one whim to another. It makes us naked and bereft of things or attachments we used to consider as securities, but which in reality are bondages that oppress us.
To be free is to arrive, deep down in the core of our being, at the truth that we don't need to hold on to anything because we are always held in God's loving hands.

Giving out of love

When we give out of duty, we feed the belly;
when we give out of love, we feed the soul.

When we give out of duty, we are good and responsible citizens;
when we give out of love, we show that we are children of God.

When we give out of duty, there is always the right time and the right place;
when we give out of love, now is always the time, because giving is part of our identity.

When we give out of duty, there are limits and boundaries;
when we give out of love, we give all, and the miracle is, there is always still something more to give.

Just instruments

I am very much touched with the recent events in the Church. From Pope Benedict's humble resignation that rendered all the more clear his humility and only desire to do God's will, to the Church's (and I mean people of all walks of life and not only the hierarchy) journey of understanding God's plans in all these events, to Pope Francis' installation Mass, we saw and felt that indeed, Jesus is the Pastor of his Church. This was repeatedly said on many occasions by Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI and these days by Pope Francis as well.
Perhaps here in Rome we are caught up in a more special way. More and more I am grateful for the blessing of being here. I wasn't able to go to any of these important functions for various reasons, but I really journeyed and I feel very much the hand of God in everything. I believe that God asks us to grow in responsibility and love for the Church and at the same time to grow in mercy and goodness, in understanding that the Kingdom of God is greater than the Church. In one homily I heard last Sunday (Gospel of the woman caught in adulterty), the priest said that "Jesus is radical but not rigorous".
In our passion for the truth and to bring the values of the Gospel to our society, Jesus first of all calls us to be inwardly converted, to remember that first of all, the call to conversion is addressed to us personally. He calls us to see the many shades of darkness that are still in our lives, and in doing so we will become more merciful, more open and more willing to see the good that is in others, even in people or parties that do not espouse our belief.
I am always reminded by the words of Henri Nouwen, that often Church people are not listened to when they espouse certain causes because their passion leads them to be very domineering. They become angry in their passion to work for peace, which is actually a contradiction, isn't it? Truth has its own inner attraction. It doesn't have to be forced upon anybody. The problem is, we want the easy way out and we think that by forcing people or by frightening people they will adhere to the truth. But this will never do. In our lives we know that this will never have a long-term effect.
Anyway, Pope Francis' words in his installation are a very good reminder. Our greatest contribution to the world is our tenderness and goodness. I think they are the most radical of all the Gospel values because they are totally incomprehensible in a world that is dominated by the criteria of power and control.
Mother Mary teaches us to be humble and to recognize that at every moment of our life we are saved by the mercy of God. In her Magnificat, she proclaims that everything is God's grace. Hence, there is no reason to boast or to think of ourselves as better than others. When we believe this, it will be easier and indeed more natural that we become more tender and kind towards others. Who knows, perhaps our kindness will in the long run win them over to God and to God's cause; but if not, let us remember that we are just instruments of God in saving the world. He is the savior, not us.

Sin no more

"Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?"

His words made me aware that I am still alive. Yes, I am still here. The men haven’t stoned me to death.

I remember them all, men both young and old. Some of them looked familiar. Perhaps I have met them at one time or another. While some were totally strangers. But all were shouting as if in a chorus, "this woman has to die".

They dragged me to a man named Jesus. This name, too, sounds familiar. Have I met him somewhere? Oh no, he is a famous preacher going from town to town. Some were even saying that he works miracles.

I suddenly felt so alone amidst all these men. Don’t get me wrong. I am used to being alone. I have been for many years. Shunned by my family; despised by other women.

Then I remembered that he was asking me a question. I just managed a quiet "no one sir". I then waited for my sentence from this Rabbi. I was waiting for him to look at me with condemning eyes, or at least to sustain the judgment of the other men. After all people are like that. When they rise as a crowd no one can nor dare reason out. Besides, under our law I have to die. After all, I have committed a grave sin.

He didn’t even lift up his eyes to look at me. And suddenly I felt as if this man was looking through me and seeing my heart, the things I hold dear, the secret pains, the secret dreams. 

I haven't felt like this before. All through my life I have never felt this sense of completeness, of being at the right place at the right time. Perhaps that is the reason why I have drifted from place to place, from person to person. In exchange for a few moments of satisfaction I have prostituted my body; and worse, I have sold my soul.

Then he said his words of sentence "Neither do I condemn you. Go away, and from this moment sin no more." He said these words so softly, as in a whisper. Am I just imagining it?

But when I looked around and saw that everybody has left, I am sure that I am saved. Yes, saved, not only from physical death but from the death of my soul. I am saved by the graciousness of Jesus from a meaningless life.

Suddenly I feel at peace and grateful for this second chance. 

And when I am tempted again to sell my soul, I will just remember how once in my life a man named Jesus has risked his own life to give me back mine.

What worries me

I am not afraid of my weaknesses because they enable me to turn to God.
I am more worried of my pride because it blinds me into thinking that I can do without God.

The cross is part of a Christian's life

Pope Francis gave a very spontaneous homily yesterday when he celebrated Holy Mass with the Cardinals at the Sistine Chapel. They say that what comes out spontaneously from our mouths express what is in the heart, or what we truly hold dear. In this homily Pope Francis reminds us that we cannot be Christians without the cross. He said his homily in Italian and this is my translation of the part where he speaks about the cross:
"This Gospel continues with a special situation. Peter who has just confessed Jesus as the Christ now tells him: You are Christ, the Son of the living God. I will follow you, but let us not talk about the cross. That talk doesn't fit in here. I will follow you wherever, but without the cross.
When we walk without the Cross, when we build anything but without the Cross, and when we confess a Christ without the Cross, we are not disciples of the Lord: we are worldly, we may be Bishops, priests, Cardinals, Popes, but not disciples of the Lord."

Well said, Pope Francis.
So when we do not encounter contradictions and sufferings in life, let us be worried because we might not be following the true God.

Why I love the Catholic Church

I love the Catholic Church
... because it is a gift that I have received from my family.
... because it is where I find the means to become a better person: the Word of God, the Holy Eucharist, the sacrament of Reconciliation, teachings and guidelines about many life issues.
... because of the great good it does throughout the world through its institutions: education, human promotion, health.
... because of the women and men, both living and dead, who have given meaning to their lives by giving it for others.
... because of the company of my fellow pilgrims, my brothers and sisters whose good examples inspire and encourage me; and whose weakness remind me of human frailty and God's boundless mercy.
The Catholic Church is not perfect. And how can it be since it is a truly human, in as much as it is a divine, institution. The Catholic Church is made up of people, scarred, flawed people, all on a journey of finding meaning in their lives.
I hurt when my Church is hurt by scandals and incoherence. I hurt when I see that, at times, what we use  as criteria of our choices are not the criteria of the Gospel. I hurt when the Church is attacked, often unfairly, by forces outside it. But I hurt more when it is weakened by the pride of its members.
I believe in the Catholic Church because it is where I can truly have a personal encounter with God in varied and ordinary ways. And that is what truly matters. The norms, the rituals, the programmes are not ends in themselves; rather, they help me encounter the true God, not a God whom I have created for myself.
And this is another reason why I love the Catholic Church. It saves me from creating a God according to my own terms. It saves me from the danger of worshipping myself.
And lastly, I love the Catholic Church because Jesus Christ willed it. He founded it. If only for this, it is worth loving.

Not like that among us

Today is the start of the Conclave for the election of the new Pope.
These past days there has been a wide speculation on the media as to who will be the new Pope. Profiles of the different cardinals who are considered "Pope material" are widely diffused especially via the social network. It is actually interesting to follow and it makes one feel so near and so close to the events. The Church's catholicity, that is, universality, is so visible and felt.
Sometimes, though, it tends to border on exaggerations, that it seems as if I am watching American Idol or the X-Factor and other similar shows.
I am sure that the cardinals themselves don't have anything to do with these things.
But I am disturbed by the comments that I read and by the preferences by virtue of regional, racial or linguistic alliances. They reflect a mentality that is precisely contrary to what Jesus has shown and has taught.
Personally, I believe that more than writing or discussing speculations about the Conclave, I would better serve God's purpose if I pray and offer something so that this Conclave may truly be an experience of leaving space to the Holy Spirit. May our new Pope be according to the heart of Jesus "who came to serve and not to be served" (Mt 20:28).

Strangers

Something happened in our garden last night. Four youngsters did it. Two were caught and two managed to escape.
As one Sister was explaining to us this morning what happened, I heard a spontaneous question from somewhere: "Are these boys Italians?"
(Please note that I live in Rome.)
My instant reaction to this was to say to myself, "what a stupid question!".
And yes, I believe i t is. Our spontaneous remarks reveal what is in our heart. Jesus says, "words flow out of what fills the heart" (Mt 12:34). I suddenly thought that this Sister has a very negative view of foreigners, which is somewhat the case in many societies. But I could be wrong.
Anyway I was led to reflect on our tendency to think of others either as a threat or as inferior to us.
Again, I could be wrong.
But if I look closely in my own heart. This tendency is really very spontaneous. The other is always seen as wrong, as a threat to eradicate, as an inferior to subdue. This is the initial tendency. But we can always make the journey and not allow our lives to be conditioned by this initial reaction.
It is only by God's grace that we can be sincere in looking at ourselves and seeing our prejudices. It is only God who can convert our hearts and turn them from stone into flesh.
But we've got to do our homework too.
I think that the first thing to develop is "awareness" of what our heart tells us, of our feelings, of the sentiments that something or someone stimulates in us. We have to be very honest in naming them.
Another thing would be to hold our tongue. We don't always have to say what is in our mind, excusing ourselves in the name of freedom.
Still another thing to do would be to interact more with people without any agenda in mind; that is, relate just for the pure joy of relating with people. This will help us to see others not as competitors to crush but as human beings just like us, with their own fears, joys, dreams.
Lastly, pray. Pray Our Father that He may give us a magnanimous heart like his, "who causes his sun to rise on the bad as well as the good, and sends down rain to fall on the upright and the wicked alike" (Mt 5:45).
When we learn to see the other no longer as a stranger but as a brother or a sister, then the night is over and the day has begun.

I am a woman

I am a woman.
I am grateful that in a very special way I participate in the unfolding of a miracle called life.
Whatever I do and in whatever field, I must give life.

Re-birth

When you have given grief its due time, and you feel in your heart that it is now the time to move on, rise up and go. To fail to do so is to refuse the gift of re-birth.

Free

Jesus came not to abolish the law but to bring it to completion. And what is the completion of the law? That we don't need laws anymore because we have come to the profound realization that, since we are children of God, we are free. As St. Paul said, we don't use our freedom as a cloak for vice but to pursue true love.

To be a Christian

To be a Christian is to cross frontiers, to be a citizen of the whole world. Each person is my brother or sister. Each place is my home.

I will go to my father

Yes, four years ago what happened to the prodigal son happened to me. I have squandered my life. I didn't go into drugs or anything of that sort. But I did things for many wrong reasons.
Then something happened, the most hurting experience I have ever had in my life. What made it worse was I was alone to do the battle. Had it been something ordinary like an illness or a death in the family, I would have certainly received the comfort and assistance of a lot of people. Instead it was something that I could not even share with anybody out of fear that I would be misunderstood and condemned.
So I went through my days pretending that everything was okay. In fact, it seemed like nobody even noticed anything different. Except for a few. And when I say few they were really so few I can count them in one hand. Yet even to them, I cannot say anything. How can I say anything when I cannot even figure out what was happening in my life?
My situation continued for a few more months.
Then somehow I found a person to whom I could confide. I know that it was not by chance that this person has entered my life. She was God-sent. She seemed to remind me with her presence and her patience that although my pain was very real, my place was not there "with the pigs". But she did stay with me even as I continued to stay in that uncomfortable place. I knew that was not my place but I just felt so powerless to leave.
And so I stayed there for over a year: knowing in my head what I had to do, yet too powerless to do it. Sleepless nights were a common occurrence. Crying too, for no reason at all. My prayers became more frequent but only because I had to hold on to something or I will break. God became so true to me because of desperation. Yes, I had all the signs of depression.
Then somehow, this is the miracle, one day I just woke up with a feeling that that day was going to be the start of a new phase in my life.
I cannot explain it, but it did happen. My situation remained the same but somehow, each morning I woke up there was a little bit more hope and enthusiasm, and, little by little, I found my smile back.
I am now in a good place. I live every day with gratitude and trust. It is true what Pope Benedict XVI said, "If only everyone could experience the joy of being Christian, being loved by God who gave his Son for us!". Yes, even when we go back to God for all the wrong reasons, somehow like the prodigal son's father, they don't matter to him. What matters is we're back. He brings out the best robe and clothes; restores our dignity and organizes a feast for us.
Believing in the love of God hasn't exempted me from suffering and from doubts. But they no longer frighten me. I know that I am not alone. I am beloved. My God and I are one.