A blank checque for Jesus

Yesterday, the solemnity of the Annunciation, we had a beautiful spiritual reading about Mary as "house". One line stands out to me particularly: "We become what dwells within us".
I remember Jesus' words that it is not what enters a person's mouth that makes one clean or unclean, rather, it is what comes out, because it is from the abundance of the heart that the mouth speaks.
If I allow God to dwell in my heart, He will change me. He will transform my mind, my sentiments, my words, my gestures according to His own style.
Actually I am already immersed in God's presence. As Saint Patrick's Breastplate Prayer says: "Christ be with me, Christ within me, Christ behind me, Christ before me, Christ beside me ... Christ beneath me, Christ above me". The step that I am called to make is to be aware of this Presence. To be aware that He is present is to allow Him to dwell in my heart, since it is in my heart where I store that which I treasure most.
Jesus Christ will transform me. I just need to be docile in His hands.
This docility would require great faith and courage. It's like giving Christ my life as a blank checque.
But so far, Jesus has never failed me. He hasn't made my life easy or successful by worldly standards, but I am still sane and capable of kindness. And I think that says a lot.

A place at His right

Today's Gospel is about the mother of James and John asking Jesus to give them the places at his right and his left in the Kingdom. I've always understood this text as a call to humility, that the real disciple of Christ doesn't seek an exalted place, because following Jesus is already reward in itself.
Today some other thought struck me. The right and the left places beside Jesus speak to me of security. After all, being beside God is the most secure place, isn't it?
In my life, I have always sought the safe place. I have never been a risk-taker. Weighing the pros and cons of things comes to me spontaneously. I guess many people are like me, too. I try to build a world, my own nook, with the people I like, with the things I would need, with manageable problems. When something happens that calls me to re-think this "ordered world", or when I find this world turned upside-down, I panic. Then I try to re-order it again, to put it back the way it was. But it is not possible.
Then I pray to Jesus to give me a little break, to put back a semblance of normality to my shattered world.
But in reality, this secure place, this place of perfect harmony where everything is in place, doesn't exist. All of life is a journey. All of life is about change. Nothing is ever the same. The paradise of today could be tomorrow's hell.
This is probably the reason why we should strive, instead, to store up for ourselves treasure in heaven. There is only one true treasure: Jesus.
It is easy to say but it is a lifetime journey to arrive at a conscious decision of really counting everything as rubbish, in order to have Jesus. But the journey begins now ...

Living my today to the full

Life is full of suprises. There are moments when I hear a dark voice telling me to regret something of the past, that "if only" refrain.
Well, I cannot change the past anymore. I can, however, honor it by learning the lessons it wants to teach me.
But I have my today to live to the full. This is the only moment I have in my hands.
It is useless to daydream about tomorrow.
I will focus on the present moment.
I will not expect anything.
I will be grateful.
I will love.

To forgive

To forgive is to do yourself a favour.
To forgive is to set yourself free, free to smell the flowers, free to listen to the birds.
To forgive is to unburden yourself of baggages that make your journey tedious and prevent you from soaring high.

God provides

I woke up early so I went to take a walk in the garden. It was wet since it has been raining these past days. However, the skies have cleared a little and there was a ray of sunlight, so it might be a little bit clearer today.
I love the silence. I felt like I was walking in a mysterious but friendly world, a world that was holding a beautiful surprise for me.
Then I felt a tug in my heart - seeing and feeling that stillness, the whole thing bathed by the rain. It was like a promise of something new. A line from a John Denver song came to my mind: "Let the rain wash away all my sorrow. Today is the day when my life starts all over again." And so I said a silent prayer that, indeed, God send His rain to wash away the guilt, the sadness, the pain, the insecurities, the anger, the disappointments- whatever they be that poison my heart and rob me of freedom.
Then I heard the birds singing, and I saw the bent but dignified flowers of the field, and the barren trees that have surrendered all their leaves. I remembered Jesus words: "If God takes care of them, how will He not take care of you?"
I know that when morning comes, those flowers will bloom again. When spring comes, those barren trees will fill the world with green. Nature speaks to me of life after death.
Yes, God provides.

Everything for love

As I was doing my centering prayer this morning, a wonderful inspiration came upon me, "Bing, do everything for love".
Yes, everything for love: a small act when nobody is there to notice it; a smile to someone who doesn't smile back; the menial, routine and often unappreciated work.
Yes, everything for love.
And perhaps it is even better when no one sees or notices it.
Is this a sort of victim-complex? No, rather, I think that it is purifying. It purifies my love because, then, it is no longer dependent on what or how I feel, which is, largely, dependent on human approval.
It is liberating.
And what could be a better reward than freedom?

In the desert

With the Spirit's help, I would really like to live this Lenten season "in the desert", bereft of my securities. I read somewhere that the desert is the place of the essentials.
With the passing of the years, my life has become complicated: so many knots, so many gray areas, so many rationalizations. Sometimes it is hard for me to see and to recognize my own values and convictions.

What or who do I hold dearest in my life?
I know that I have made a lot of decisions, big and small, that were dictated by convenience and utility - because I wanted to fit in, because that was expected of me, because I did not want to offend, because I just wanted to end the discussion, because I did not want to get hurt, etc., etc.

What are the securities that I have accumulated?
My experience of these past two years has made me realize that these so-called securities are false. Indeed, they make me feel more insecure because I hold on and I cling to them so desperately, and so I lose my freedom and spontaneity.

So, welcome to this 40-day desert experience. I know that by myself, I cannot do it.

The desert is not some exotic place we see in postcards. It is a place of hostile forces.
When the howling winds of my mistakes haunt me,
When the scorching heat of rejection and judgment is unbearable,
When the cold nights of solitude are just too much,
When the lack of water and other things I used to rely on make me crippled and desperate...
When these temptations call me to turn back, I need a deep Center, Someone who will stay with me through it all, so that I may enter the land of freedom, the Promised Land.

Jesus is that deep Center. He will walk with me through the desert and lead me to freedom.

My first daisies

A miracle right before my eyes.
In the harshness of winter, behold my potted daisies...
The human spirit is resilient.
It can rise up after a fall,
it can dream again after any failure,
it can choose to be kind despite any negative experience.
When we make our journey with God, this is possible.

May daisies bloom in your heart always.

Pray always

These days, I have been experiencing a quiet serenity. It is as if there is a "very secure" certainty in my heart that things are going to be better, that happiness is just "a few blocks away".
Should I think this way? Sometimes I tell myself that it is better not to think this way because it might sound as if I am taunting the gods. But on the other hand, I think I owe it to God, to recognize that something is happening. I am very well aware that whatever it is, it is God's grace at work. I wouldn't have arrived at this point if it were only for my own strength and capacities. God never gave up on me. His grace has helped me not to give up on myself.
I do not know how long this "peace" will last, but I make the resolution to pray especially during the good times, so that when times come that I do not feel like praying, or when I am desolate or too tired and hurting to even think of God, my spirit may continue to pray. I really do not know if this makes sense, but it does, for me.