Crucified

My profession group chose as its motto "it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me" (cf. Gal 2:20). Beautiful, and indeed, a true programme of life.
I have been a professed nun for almost 19 years already, and I should say, that the road towards that programme isn't exactly what I have bargained for. Of course when we were novices (the immediate years of preparation for profession), we were told about the demands of the religious life, that it is not an easy life, as if any life is easy. To get back to the point, that ideal of dedicating my whole life to Jesus was so overwhelming that "I didn't read thoroughly through the whole contract".
Do I regret making this commitment, and making it for life? Not for a second, despite the fact that life hasn't been smooth, especially these years.
Today, as I was making my monthly retreat, I re-read again this motto of ours, and realized that I've missed the first part: I have been crucified with Christ. That is the pre-requisite to living in Christ. I cannot arrive at saying that it is Christ who lives in me, unless I accept to be crucified with Him.
And this is what I have been experiencing these past months. Despite the sufferings, the misunderstandings, the rejection, the failed projects, I am able to be kind, to reach out, to give a helping hand, to take part in community life, to pray. So I can really say that it is not me but Jesus.
All saints pass through the dark night, the aridity, the persecution and misunderstanding of people, the seeming absence of God, yet they persevered. That is why they are saints.
My problem is, my sufferings are most of all because of my character, my sensibility, or they are consequences of certain choices I've made in the past. It is like, it is I myself who have crucified me. Do I make sense?
But the cross is so very real, and I am there, crucified, immobile, without any capacity to leave it, after all how can I negate my character, my sensibility, or the consequences of my past choices? Yes, I am crucified. It is not a comfortable place. I cannot deny it or spiritualize it because I feel the pain and the suffering in my flesh.
And it is in this crucifixion that I experience the tremendous presence of Jesus, even if many times I do not feel it. I mean, just the fact that I am still sane, I can still function, I can put my thoughts into this blog, well, they are signs of resilience, aren't they?
So, yes, it is not me who does all these. It is Jesus. He lives in me.