We will rise

The year 2011 has been a year of many blessings. Sometimes I think that God was trying to make up for all the tears I've shed.
The greatest blessing for me is the grace of insight. I have discovered that I am a strong person. I have always thought that I couldn't handle big difficulties. It is perhaps because of this that I have tried so hard to avoid conflict and precarious situations. But something happened for which I was unprepared. It was like being pushed into a wall with no way out. I have spent a long period of time groping in the dark, just living one day at a time, without any ambitious thought of miraculously emerging from the pit. All throughout this time I prayed that I wouldn't let anybody suffer because of what I was undergoing.
Then one day I just woke up with a very secure feeling that everything is going to be well. This feeling didn't change my situation, but it changed me. I know that I have paid due respect to my experience, that I have let it touch me to the depths.
The miracle was, it didn't engulf me into darkness. Instead, it made me discover that bereft of everything I still had the gift of life, and with this life comes the gift of a God who is with me, the Emmanuel.
So as I say goodbye to 2011, I thank God for making me rise again.

Growing up

Though at first the heart rebels, reason has a reason. It is the journey from rebellion to quiet acceptance that makes us mature persons.

Apple is for Christmas

At breakfast today we had a conversation about foods typical of the Christmas season in our own countries. This is actually one of the perks of being in an international community. We have a wide range of topics for conversation. It makes our interactions colorful and interesting. Anyway, going back to the topic of typical Christmas foods, I remember that when I was a little girl Christmas time meant seeing those red, shiny apples. Yes. Some might think that I come from another planet, but yes, again, during my younger years (a century ago), we only saw those apples at Christmas time, after all I come from the Philippines.
But now they have apples all year round in the Philippines. It is one of the consequences of globalization and the many advances in science and technology. Many things are now possible, defying issues of distance and seasons.
I guess our life now is pretty much the same. We have the possibility of having everything we want. Ironically, though, when we have what we want, we don't really become happy. Rather, we become bored. We don't even have time to enjoy what we have because we want to gear forward to the next level.
The red apple will remind me to slow down and to appreciate the little things, to wait and to look forward.
Life is not something to be devoured. It is something to taste, bite by bite, letting the sweetness or the bitterness linger.
In order to really live, we don't just nourish the body. We also have to feed the soul.

Perfect

The other day we watched a film about the life of Mary of Nazareth from the time of the Annunciation to the loss and finding of Jesus in the temple of Jerusalem. The film ended with a shot of a very old and wrinkled lady, the narrator of the story, who was supposed to be Mary.
The basic structure of the film is based on the different Gospel traditions, but there are a few different and, frankly speaking, quite unorthodox interpretations.
Anyway, what has struck me most was that last scene of an old, wrinkled lady. How strange, to portray Mary of Nazareth, the most popular woman of all time, in this way.
On second thought, I quite like it. The many ways Mary has been portrayed from time immemorial leaves us the image of a perfect woman, according to our categories: beautiful, flawless, young, white, always sure, always right, humble, obedient, etc.
I am not saying that they are not adequate descriptions of Mary, but somehow, Mary's depiction has relegated her to what she is for many people - a beautiful, cold statue.
This isn't the Mary that Jesus has entrusted to John (and to us Christians, for that matter), as Jesus was dying on the cross. Somehow as I read between the lines of the Gospel, I believe that Jesus has given me Mary as my mother, as a woman to imitate.
Reading the Gospels would help me to understand Mary in flesh and blood. A little imagination wouldn't be bad, too.
Like for instance, after Jesus' loss and finding in the temple, Luke ends the narration with these words "But they (Mary and Joseph) did not understand what he (Jesus) said to them. He (Jesus) went down with them and came to Nazareth, and was obedient to them; and his mother kept all these things in her heart." (Luke 3:50-51) How did Mary feel when Jesus responded that way? Did she answer back or ask more explanations? Did this event create a tension in their home? How did they make up after this? etc.
I want to know Mary as a woman of flesh and blood. I believe this is a necessary step so that I may take her as teacher and model. If I see her as too perfect, does she have anything at all to do with my imperfect life? I guess not.
I bet Mary wouldn't be offended if I read through the Gospel lines and see her as flesh and blood. Her life is a message. If she managed, with all her limits and weaknesses and the imperfections of her circumstances, to say "yes" to God's designs, not in a passive and subservient way, then there is hope for me, too.

To my past pupils

Dear young ladies,

It gives me great joy whenever I log in to my FB account and see your faces, your messages and any news about your life. I cannot believe that just a little over ten years ago you were the simple, carefree and good-hearted teen-agers I had the blessing to teach CLE. Oh my, how you have all grown. Some of you are now married and with your own children. Some have pursued the careers they were only dreaming about ten years ago. Sadly, one (as far as I know) has already gone back to the Father’s house. Many of you are in different parts of the globe.

Pardon me, and I hope you don’t get offended, but beneath the make up, the fancy clothes and the sophisticated expressions, I still see the wide-eyed girls full of curious questions, eager, yet a little fearful to march ahead and carve your own path.

I remember the times when I couldn’t finish the CLE lessons because of your questions, or because of other activities that “steal” the CLE time. You didn’t know it, but I was nervous that we wouldn’t finish the scheduled lessons in time for the periodical exams.

I remember our prayer moments to celebrate each lesson. How we had to push the benches in the chapel in order for you to squat on the floor. I know you liked those prayer moments because it meant “no formal lessons, no recitations”. But I also know that in the end, you enjoyed them because they were moments for you to enter into your heart, to think about your life. I believed in those prayer moments, even if they meant risking that we wouldn’t finish our lessons, because I knew that they were the rare quality moments you could spend with Jesus, and I know that if I didn’t accompany you to encounter Jesus, I would not have given you what is best.

I remember your journals. I know I was very demanding by asking you to write on them very often. But hey, it was more demanding for me, since I wanted to read each of your reflections and respond to them. Your journal entries were very precious to me, as they gave me the chance to know the person within, the person you were sometimes afraid to show in public.

I don’t know what came to me that I decided to write you this letter. It could be Kathrina’s forthcoming wedding. I just want to thank you for the experiences that we have shared together. Just thinking about you fills my heart with joy. You are all part of who I am. Thank you.

No one of us is ever the same. Each day we are called to make choices, big or small. Some choices are easy, some take a lot of courage. Some have long-lasting consequences. Each of our choices contribute in building the person that we are, yes, even the mistakes that we make.

My wish and my prayer for each one of you is to be happy with who you are, yet be open to become better persons. When I say better, I do not mean “become more beautiful, more popular, more successful, have more money”, or whatever it is that is usually equated with success. What I mean is, that you may truly be happy with a joy that nobody can take away. Success, money, material things, friends, even family are not permanent things in life. No matter how hard we work to assure that they last, they never do. Believe me, I have experienced it.

My prayer for you is that you may truly encounter Jesus in your life. Let Him be the rock on which to build your life. The choices that may make you enjoy now may later be your suffering, if they are not compatible with the message of Jesus and with God’s dream for you.

Wherever you are, I hope you keep in touch with each other, especially with your closest friends in high school. They are the ones who truly know you. They are the ones who will remain with you when the going gets rough. Reach out to your former classmates who are maybe awkward to reach out to you. Pray for each other. Prayer enlarges our heart and makes us think of others. It cures us of our selfishness. Remember that a selfish person will never be happy.

Tomorrow is the feast of the Immaculate Conception. In the Salesian world, it is considered as the birth of Don Bosco’s work. I will, for sure, remember you in my prayers in a special way.

May God bless each one of you. May He wipe away the tears of those of you who are suffering at this moment. May you rest in the firm conviction that our God is a loving Father who takes care of our daily needs.

I love you all in the love of Jesus.

Jesus Christ, the visible expression of God

"By giving us, as he (God) did, his Son, his only Word, he has in that one Word said everything. There is no need for any further revelation ...
Therefore, anyone who wished to question God or to seek some new vision or revelation from him would commit an offense, for instead of focusing his eyes entirely on Christ he would be desiring something other than Christ, or beyond him.
God could then answer: This is my beloved Son in whom I am well pleased; hear him. In my Word I have already said everything. Fix your eyes on him alone for in him I have revealed all and in him you will find more than you could ever ask for or desire."

(From "The Ascent of Mount Carmel", by Saint John of the Cross)

When I look all around me, I cannot but believe in the existence of God, that is, of Somebody who is greater than the greatest human person.
But I have been blessed all the more because I know that this great God loves me. He is loving, compassionate, merciful, respectful, forgiving. He is a God who waits for us and who loves us unconditionally. Most of all, I can call Him Father, and that is just what He is.
Thanks to Jesus, God is no longer an object of speculation.
Through Jesus' person and message, we have come face-to-face with God. And this God is not somebody to be afraid of. He is a God who has first reached out to us and who continues to reach out. He is a God who has our best interests. He is a God who wants us to have the fullness of life.
Aren't we, Christians, just so blessed to have such a good God?
May this Advent season be an experience of gratitude for this God who is our Father.

Solitude

It is necessary for us to enter into solitude in order to know and to celebrate who we are.

Father

The most daring thing we can ever do is to call God "Father". But I bet God is very happy when we dare to do so.

Looking for joy

I have often wondered why people want to amass so much money than they can spend in their lifetime ...
or why people march behind the battlecry "freedom to do what I want" ...
or why people engage or remain in abusive relationships and habits ...
or why people spend a good deal of their time and energy in running after success, accomplishments and recognition ...
I think that at the root of each of this is really the cry of the human heart to be happy. In whatever age or situation, we look for joy. Even our faith in God is, to a great extent, motivated by the quest for joy.
The problem is, we forget about this "end" of our searching. We focus on the means, the ones I've listed above. Like blind persons running around in circles, we accomplish them yet we crave for more. We are never satiated because we forget, in the first place, what we are looking for: it's not money, nor beauty, nor health, nor success... It's all about joy, the real one.
I think we should shift gears. We should stop running after things, people, fleeting pleasures, etc. because our very experiences tell us that they will never give us true joy.
Instead, we must acquire the eyes of a child that is capable of awe and wonder in front of the most ordinary, everyday thing.
Joy is always before us, within our grasp, through the most unexpected ways.
We must let go of our adult, sophisticated ways and become like children.

"I give praise to you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, for although you have hidden these things from the wise and the learned you have revealed them to the childlike." (Mt 11:25)
"Unless you turn and become like children, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven." (Mt 18:3)

Hope

Hope springs from a heart that remembers with gratitude.

We shall overcome

I recently watched a television interview of a man who, fourteen months ago, lost his eldest daughter in a terrible accident. Six months before that, his wife died. So this eldest daughter was practically like a second mother to his youngest son.
He is a permanent deacon, so it was understandable that he talked about how faith has sustained him throughout the whole ordeal of waiting until the definitive news that his daughter’s body has been found. It is still faith in God that colors his everyday life. He said, “I believe that it is part of God’s will, though it is not always easy to understand”.
What has struck me the most, however, were not his words but his eyes. I cannot describe them. Even without saying anything, his eyes would have communicated a certain depth that has been reached only through the royal road of suffering. It wasn’t sadness I saw in those eyes, but joy tempered by the awareness of one’s fragility. It was something quiet and silent, a joy that has been tamed by pain and the experience of brokenness.
His eyes seemed to tell me, to tell us that in the midst of the most terrible pain, something good can come out; that God is faithful, though He doesn’t take away the suffering and the pain.
Here was a man who live each moment and each day with gratitude and trust that God never fails even when He seems silent. He will never fail us. We just need to trust.
And I believe him because of his eyes.

Gift

One of the first things I do in the morning is to open my personal emails especially after I have sent a message to some people. I guess it is but normal to expect a response from them. So I get so excited when I see a response, or disappointed, to a greater or a lesser degree, when I don't get one. Sometimes I would reason out that the other person should have at least acknowledged receipt of my message.
But come to think of it, who would want to read or to receive anything from anybody who did it only out of a sense of propriety or breeding? Instead, we would want that the gift or the favor come from the goodness of the other person's heart. Let me put it this way, we would enjoy the message or the favor if we know that the person is happy in giving us this favor.
I think this is one of the secrets of joy: to see everything as a gift that comes from the goodness of God and of people.
When I deal with people on a tit-for-tat basis, I become attached to "what is my due" that I look at people with suspicion. Instead when I let go of "my claims", then I look at everything as a gift.

Holiness

Holy people focus on God, not on their own perfection.

Pollyanna

Pollyanna introduced the so-called "Glad game". It goes this way. In whatever situation, one should find something to be glad about.
I have always been a very positive person, an optimist, someone who always saw the glass "half full". But something happened and for a long time I found it difficult to just go through each day and remain a decent person, much less to find anything positive about everything.
Now I have gotten back my smile. It is not a boisterous and exuberant joy. Rather, it is a feeling of lightness in my heart because I believe that there is always something good. It may not be big or obvious, but there is always something good.
I do not know how I have managed to arrive at this point. I cannot give any advice on how to overcome the long and terrible periods of darkness that each person must pass in their life.
All I know is that it was a gift, a grace from God.
I guess that is the secret in finding always something to be glad about, something to be grateful for. When I look at life with gratitude, it means that I recognize that there is something good. When I look at the small blessings that make up my every day life, then there is really something to be glad about. And each day I can always find so much to be grateful for.

Kathleen's kindness

“Sometimes I think that I could have said something …” After she said these words, I felt a lump in my throat and a great feeling of gentleness in my heart. It is one of those very touching moments in my life when I felt overwhelmed with the love of someone. She has accompanied me as I journeyed through a long period of pain. With her words I suddenly had the intuition that this special person has really entered into my own pain.

It is not easy to be with persons who are undergoing a difficult period,especially that kind of pain that is within, that interior pain which one can never even share. What can you say? Is it necessary to say something? If the person says she doesn’t need you, do you take her words at face value? What if she has been hurting for a long time? What can you do to stop the hurting?

So it is that at that very moment, I felt overwhelmed by grace. Something good has come out of the long Calvary. It is the realization that patient love does exist.

She hasn’t solved my problem. She has made me discover the treasure that I have, that of being accompanied by a person who is willing to enter into my pain. At that low point when I have lost all of my self-esteem, somebody has taken time to stay with me. More than anything, this made me realize that I had value. Somebody was willing to waste her time on me.

We cannot live others’ lives for them. We can rejoice with their joys and cry with their sorrows; but each person has to go through life’s moments and experiences of solitude, in order to discover the meaning of life and of who we are.

Our patience, trust and faith are the best gifts we can offer each other as we go through the dark, believing that there is always light at the end of the tunnel.

Happy birthday

The other day I celebrated my "birthday".
Last year, on October 16, after so many months of dryness and of dragging myself one day at a time, I suddenly had my eureka moment. I do not know what precipitated it, or what was its context, but I just had a very sure feeling deep in my heart that "the days of mourning are over". The feeling wasn't the result of the resolution of anything because my life's situation practically stayed the same, but I knew in my heart that my life was turning around, that, finally, the joy of the new dawn is coming.
So it is that I have chosen October 16 as my new birthday. Every year I will celebrate it because it reminds me that God will never allow anything to break me. I just have to trust Him. How can my small mind ever grasp life's great mystery? It's presumptuous to think so.
God didn't fail me. He never will.

Wait

I got inspired by the Gospel today. Actually, I have been struck by this passage last year and it has sort of accompanied my journey.

Then he said to them, 'Watch, and be on your guard against avarice of any kind, for life does not consist in possessions, even when someone has more than he needs.' Luke 12:15

Since God is a loving Father who takes care of our moment-by-moment needs, I call it my “daily bread spirituality”, I believe that, once again, He has enabled me to have an insight into my journey at this point in my life. I came across a book by Anselm Grün, OSB, “The Spiritual Challenge of Midlife”, and I know that it is a treasure. It doesn’t solve my questions, nor does it quench my angst, but, as I said, it offered me an insight, nay, so many insights, that I am even tempted to say that this “midlife crisis” is actually a blessing.

Midlife is an invitation to change perspective and to go inward, to know, not through your head but through your heart, after a lot of tears and o being bent and bruised, that what makes me happy is not to be in charge of my life. Rather, true joy comes from knowing that God is the only security. Hoarding doesn’t make me secure. Only gratitude and trust can.

Here are the words of the book. I cannot paraphrase them as I am afraid of losing their beauty and depth.

Many people get into a midlife religious crisis because they have the will to conquer religious life in the same way they conquered their professional lives. They continually want to grab onto religious experiences and, as it were, amass a spiritual fortune. Dullness and disappointment in prayer are an indication that I must give up the search for the God experiences, let go of my striving for ownership, and just be very simple before God. What is important is that I surrender myself entirely to God without constantly demanding gifts from him, such as rest, security or religious gratification. Detachment also requires the readiness to suffer. Detachment does not mean that one has found calm and enjoyment. On the contrary, one is willing to give up these things and is ready to let God lead one into the fray…

People should not break away from the difficulty, but simply wait. One cannot free oneself by one’s own power. A person can do nothing but wait for God himself to lead one into a new spiritual maturity. This also means trusting that God will not leave a person in distress without providing a positive outcome…

Midlife crisis also involves an internal change of leadership. It is no longer I, but God, who leads.

They are ours; they are God's

I was at a youth encounter in Punta de Tralca, Chile, last weekend. I was struck by one of the prayers shared by one of the participants...
that we may realize that streetchildren are not children of the streets. They are God's; they are ours.

Grateful

Two and a half years ago, something happened that has turned my life upside down. It was something unexpected, and until now I am still clueless as to the real reason behind it. The experience has made me question the goodness of people and the goodness of life itself.
I have tried to face the issue despite my natural tendency to be afraid of confrontation, whether with myself or with others.
I have tried to “blackmail” God, asking Him to take away the hurt, just as a child would do with his mother after a scratch or a fall.
I have tried to be patient and to let time pass, thinking that things will get back on the right course.
I have tried to change myself, thinking that if I became a “better” person the situation will change.
I have tried a lot of things, a lot of techniques. I was telling myself that I was trying to be positive about the whole thing, but maybe, yes, probably, deep within my heart, I was longing for a return to the past, to my happy and uncomplicated life.
Things did not turn out that way. Rather, they turned out for the better.
I am grateful for the experience because I have learned and discovered so much about myself and about life.
I have discovered that my good and even heroic actions are always tainted by self-seeking. But I have also discovered that I can reach out and turn the other cheek.
I’ve learned that things change, people change, and it is not their fault that they do. It is the reality of life. But I have also learned that each person tries his/her best, that no one willfully hurts others.
I have discovered that the most devastating experience that could happen to me is not failure in my work or career, but the fracture in a human relationship. But I have also discovered that I am strong.
I’ve learned that the heart always wins over the head. But I have also learned that the heart reasons out on its own, and though it may take time, it can learn to fight or to let go.
Do I wish that the experience never happened to me? I think that the question is useless; though I would not wish that kind of experience on any body because I know how it almost broke me.
The experience made me believe all the more in the goodness and wisdom of God. It is in my weakness, in the lowest point in my life that I came face to face with the beauty of life and the resilience and dignity of the human spirit.
The Lord is my shepherd, there is nothing I shall fear.

Flow

Stagnant water stinks.
So it is with life. We cannot get hold of an experience, even the best one, and try to put a frame around it and freeze it in time.
"Happily ever after" is a lie. Oops, sorry, it's such a strong term. "Happily ever after" does not mean that from-now-on-everything-is-okay-and-i-can-just-sit-down-and-enjoy. That is why "happily ever after" is only for fairy tales.
Real life is always on the move. As my father likes to say, the only constant thing in life is change.
So I guess the best attitudes that I should have in front of life are gratitude, attention and detachment.
Gratitude, because many things in life, the things that really matter, are freely given to us. What make us most happy are not the things that we have "earned", but those that are freely shared with us out of the goodness of God and of people's hearts.
Attention, because the present moment is the only one that I have and that is in my hands. It is useless to regret the past and to worry about the future. They are not in my hands. I should live well the present because it is the gift that I have. I've read once that the present moment is a gift, that is why it is called "present".
Detachment, because everything passes. Detachment does not mean stoicism. It means accepting that everything that we have is on loan and it is inutile to cling to them.
To live is to flow, like a river.

Don't sell your soul

I just came back from a "Tabor experience", you know those experiences where you really feel so enthusiastic and so positive you have a feeling you could conquer the world.
Last week, at this same time, I was in Cuatro Vientos, feeling so re-charged in my faith, and celebrating it without inhibitions, despite the scorching heat of the sun and the downpour in the evening. I know that faith in God is something personal, but it sure helps to belong to a community that shares it with you. It felt so good to be with normal, happy, everyday people who treasure the same values that I do, and who believe in the same God that I believe in.
Now, I am back to the lowlands, to everyday life.
We do not always feel the "highs" in life. Everyday life could be killing us with its plainness, ordinariness, monotony, etc. There are no formulas that will ensure a lasting dwelling on the plateau. Sooner or later we have to go down. It will not do to resist, because the "Tabor experience" is a gift freely given and not a fruit of our ability.
When everyday life's ordinariness touches us so deeply, we often run around and look for things and persons to appease this feeling of emptiness. We don't want to go through the experience of being insecure because it is a frightening experience and we always want to be assured.
Maybe this was what Jesus felt when, after forty days of fasting and prayer in the desert, he was tempted by the devil. Temptations are invitations to choose the easy way out.
But Jesus invites us not to sell our soul. There is only one response to the aching of our heart: God. And this God freely gives himself to me. I just need to wait.

I didnt' see the Pope

I was in Madrid for World Youth Day 2011. I cannot explain how I feel. There are so many wonderful experiences, big and small, that I feel overwhelmed by this opportunity that God has given me to be confirmed in my faith.
I know that our faith in God is something personal. It is not a mature faith until it is something that one owns personally. But being personal does not mean that faith is something private that one keeps only in the heart or, at most, shares with the people nearest to him/her. This is what I have experienced in Madrid.
It is so overwhelming to know that I am not alone in living my Christian faith. There are many others who share the same faith with me. Probably we manifest this faith in different ways, but still we acknowledge this faith.
I didn't have the opportunity to see Pope Benedict XVI at close range, but I don't really feel bad about it. Being in Cuatro Vientos with those people, with those young people, and staying, despite the rain, is something I will carry in my heart for always. God has touched me with the presence of these people.
Skeptics might say that it will only be an event among many others for many of the young pilgrims. But I don't believe so. The fact that they stayed and braved the heat, the rain and all the inconveniences makes me believe otherwise.
May God make our faith really strong, and may we be joyful witnesses to this faith.

Desert

God said, "I will allure her in the desert and speak to her heart."
My desert could be any place.
When I am bereft of my securities, when I feel helpless in front of life's forces, I am in the desert.
When I feel totally alone, despite being surrounded by a crowd, I am in the desert.
The paradox is, it is only when I am in this difficult place called the desert that my heart becomes ready to listen.
Finally, God can speak to me.

Light

I woke up very early this morning. It was still dark.
From one angle in the garden I saw flashes of light. They were very quick and weak. It was only because I was paying close attention that I saw them and looked at them in awe. I knew that they were fireflies. I was fascinated by their perseverance as they continued to flash their weak light in pitch-black darkness. It's as if it didn't matter to them that they didn't seem to make any difference.
That was God's message for me today. When the darkness seems to overwhelm me, He comes and reveals Himself like these flashes of light.
It may not be enough to dispel the darkness, but it is what I need in order to remember that all is not dark.
God perseveres in making His presence felt, but most of the time He does it in gentle and quiet ways. He doesn't want to impress me to submission; He attracts me with His persistence.
Even if many times I don't acknowledge Him, or I wait for Him to reveal Himself in a grand way, He continues with His gentle light. What a great God! Pure, gratuitous love.

Faithful

Today is the feast of our religious congregation. There is an air of celebration, as two Sisters in my community celebrate their 60th anniversary of religious profession, while two others celebrate their silver anniversary. As the priest said in his homily, it is a counter-testimony to a society that frowns on long-term commitments.
Having been a professed Sister for nineteen years, I can say that I admire these Sisters for staying on. Living in a community with people whom you have not chosen to be with is not easy. In our Constitutions and in the Letters of our Foundress, Mother Mazzarello, we read beautiful expressions such us "give the best to your Sisters" or "who loves Jesus agrees with everybody". But in concrete everyday life, it is not easy. I think that at least once in our life we have been tempted to just go away to a place where "I will be more appreciated and respected".
So why do people stay, why do I stay?
Is it just a habit that is difficult to break?
Or is it the fear of the unknown that prevents me leaving?
Both reasons are true, yet, deep in my heart I know that the reason why I stay is beyond me.
So today I celebrate "fidelity", not mine but God's.
Yes, in the story of my life, in the life stories of many religious men and women, the real "faithful one" is God. His fidelity is sure, creative, forgiving, hopeful, life-giving.
My favorite name for God is "Everyday compassion", my second favorite name for God is "the faithful one". He calls me, yes, imperfect, inconstant, weak me. He calls me everyday to give Him my hand and allow Him to lead me in the dance of life. At times I let go of His hands and go my own way, and then I feel insecure and alone. But maybe that is also part of the dance. God is such a faithful partner that He waits for me at the right time and with the right step.
I am never alone, God is a faithful dancing partner.

Traces of God

These days at Mass, we are reading the book of Exodus. In it Moses is referred to as the person "who spoke to God face to face, as one man speaks to another", yet even Moses did not see God in all His glory because no man sees God and still lives.
But God told Moses, "When my glory passes I will set you in the hollow of the rock and will cover you with my hand until I have passed by. Then I will remove my hand, so that you may see my back; but my face is not to be seen."
Deep in each person's heart is the desire to know God. Maybe many of us do not know that it is God we are searching for as we search for joy, peace, life, serenity. Many times we do not realize that the unquenchable thirst, the angst that come to us once in a while, is the heart searching for God.
We cannot see God in His full glory, after all, we are limited creatures! But God shows Himself to us after He has passed us by.
We cannot see God face to face. We cannot fully comprehend Him. Otherwise, we would be God, too. But God is present in our every day life. And it is only on hindsight that we become aware of His presence, when we look back and review our experiences. We see that we are never alone. We see God's traces in our daily life.
So why continue to search for God? In reality, it is in our search for Him that we grow and we discover who we truly are.

Woman, why are you weeping?

I love Saint Mary Magdalene, and for many reasons. The first reason is, "she loved much".
The second reason is, she was totally true to herself that she was not afraid to show her weakness. When she saw the empty tomb, she started to cry, and it is in this state of weeping that Jesus encountered her.
For many people, crying, especially weeping, is a sign of weakness. How many people would want to be seen with their puffy eyes and red nose? I don't think we would find many. Each person wants to show to the world that he or she is strong. Nobody wants to be laughed at or pitied.
But in reality, how many of us can really say that everything is really okay. I mean, deep within our hearts, can we really say that nothing or no one really touches us to the point of crying?
When I reached forty, I have had a lot of exercise in crying. In fact, a friend called me a "cornball". My childhood friends and my classmates in high school and college would not believe this because they have always known me as the "jolly-bing". Anyway, nowadays I cry for a lot of reasons: when I have a headache or other physical pains, when I am tired, when I am touched by what I am reading or what I am watching, when I wax nostalgic, when I have a strong experience of any sort, when I realize the goodness of God expressed especially in small things, when I think about the transitoriness of life, etc., etc.
Actually crying does me a lot of good. I don't really cry in full view of others because I still haven't overcome human respect. But I do a lot of crying. It does me good because it makes me realize my boundaries, that at the end of the day, everything is on loan. Crying helps me to be in solidarity with the countless men and women who suffer for small or big reasons. It makes me remember that I need God, and that this God I believe in is a tender God who comforts those who mourn, who wipes away the tears...

Joseph's story is every person's story

These days we have been reading the story of Joseph and his brothers. This story has always fascinated me since I was a child. Joseph - the chosen one, the fair-skinned son of the beloved wife.
Joseph has certainly lived a charmed life as a boy, but everything ended in a flash. He certainly wasn't prepared for that fateful day when his life took an unexpected turn. Tired of being second best and of being lumped together in the generic term "Jacob's other sons", Joseph's brothers wanted to get rid of him. The first plan was to kill him, but one brother interceded "let's just sell him to the travelling merchants..."
Joseph pleaded, after all, these are his brothers. They have the same father, they ate at the same table. But the brothers' hearts have already been hardened. Envy and jealousy have a way of killing whatever spark of reason there is.
Then begins Joseph's many adventures...
From being sold as a slave, to being jailed, to being a high official in Egypt, second only to the Pharaoh himself.
It is a real dumpsters-to-throne story.
It takes only a few chapters of the book of Genesis to see how Joseph's life story had a happy ending.
In real life, it must not have been very easy for Joseph. Who knows how many nights he laid awake trembling with fear while he was with the caravan of the travelling merchants. What did he feel everytime he remembered his brothers' treachery and betrayal? How long did he struggle to accept that he was now alone in a hostile and foreign world, and that he would never see his beloved father again? Did he ever blame himself for what happened? Did revenge ever enter his mind? What about death, did he ever think of death as a sweet end to everything?
The Bible doesn't give answers to these questions, but given the number of years that it took before he ever saw his brothers again, I am sure that Joseph did not even imagine that his life would have not only a happy, but a glorious ending!
I guess Joseph's story is the story of every man and woman.
There are times in our life when we feel that there is no way out, that we have already exhausted all our options, that everything conspires to lead us to a downward spiral. There are many experiences that just don't make sense, no matter how much time and attention we give to dissecting them. There is just nothing in them for us except suffering.
But somehow, we survive, in different ways.
These experiences change us.
Probably for many of us, our stories will not have Joseph's perfect ending, that is, full closure, with people and events that have treated us badly, trampled our self-esteem and forced us to go on a very lonely journey.
For many of us, the happy ending will be something "quiet", like when we come to realize that, indeed, something good has happened out of the bad blows that life has dealt us with.
We do not know how long it will take before we arrive at this realization. That is why we need the presence of Someone who can be our deep center, Someone who will not give us the answers like a vendo machine, but Someone who will keep us company as we go through the journey's ups and downs, lights and shadows.
God will help us to read the beautiful stories that He writes with our life's crooked lines.

Peter and Paul

Peter and Paul, two great saints.
Peter and Paul, two pillars of the Church.
Funny but when we think of great people, we always expect them to be perfect. But these two were not.
Peter, despite the privilege conferred on him by Jesus Himself, to be the first among the apostles, denied any knowledge of Jesus in front of a slave girl, of all people.
Paul, the great apostle, talked about a thorn in the flesh, most probably, in our vocabulary, a defect.
Somehow these two tell me that greatness is not equal to perfection. Greatness does not mean being somebody other than yourself so that you can conform to a certain model.
Greatness is truth. It is being truthful to oneself. It is accepting who I am, both my lights and shadows. No person is without anything positive or good.
When we live our lives according to who we are, without regrets, without excuses, then we are on the road to greatness.
Lastly, greatness does not mean being popular or being acclaimed.
Greatness is to feel good about oneself and to do my part, little though it may be, to make life a little bit better and kinder to someone.
When I can say, with a twinkle in my eyes, "I feel great!", this is the greatness that really matters.

God has no fingers

Today's first reading is from Genesis 18:16-33, where Abraham bargained with God so God won't destroy Sodom and Gomorrah if He finds some righteous people there. The bargain went from fifty to ten. When he arrived at ten, Abraham stopped, probably thinking that it would be too much of a stretch to expect God to agree to a number lower than ten.
In a take on this story, one author re-wrote the story with a twist in the ending: As Abraham was leaving, he failed to see that God did not have hands...
I was struck by this second ending. If Abraham looked closely, he would have seen that God does not have hands. He would have realized that without hands, God cannot count whether there are ten righteous people among the peoples of Sodom and Gomorrah.
This is the God I believe in, a God of infinite mercy and goodness. This is the God that Jesus introduced to us, a God that forgives seven times seven; meaning, without limits.
Our God doesn't keep an account book.
We often take for granted the power of supplication, of praying for others. Since God is a God of mercy and compassion, He is happy when we partake of His mercy and compassion.
In the end, perhaps the bargaining is not really with God but with ourselves. Can I lower my "boundaries" from fifty to zero, and be able to forgive with all my heart? Can I widen my heart so as to give space even to people who do not "deserve" it?

Never the same

Every person, at one time or another, goes through a "Humpty Dumpty" experience, when the world, as it is known, suddenly crashes and "all the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again".
This experience normally catches one by surprise, though, as one looks back, there may have already been signs along the way.
When the Humpty Dumpty experience happens, the first reaction is to ask oneself: Where did I go wrong? What didn't I do right? Why did this happen to me?
Then follows the frantic attempt to re-create the lost world, to try to put back things as they were. But, somehow, one finds out that the pieces of the puzzle don't fit anymore. You suddenly get the insight that, no matter how hard you try, it won't work, that any attempt is futile.
But your heart is afraid to surrender because, after all, the old world, despite its imperfections, is the only world you know.
Then daily life becomes a battleground:
between resistance and abandonment;
between holding on and letting go;
between self-blame and compassion;
between resentment and gratitude;
between despair and moving on.
It will take time before one finally reaches a certain level of equilibrium, when you start to see life in a realistic way, but with hope.
And there will still be moments of uncertainty, but that is okay because they remind you that this life is not our permanent home.
Yes, you will heal, but you're never the same.

Not in control

These days I am living in tension, that is, there are so many things in my mind and in my heart. When they surface, I don't have the time to face them because there are more pressing works to attend to. When I find time, I cannot recover the stirrings that have surfaced during my busy time; but subconsciously, I am not at ease because I know that there is something I have to attend to.
This situation has now become so normal and ordinary in my life. I don't know whether it is temporary, or whether I will be able to get back a little semblance of "serenity".
I admit that I am not in control of my life. The words "Lord, just let me live through this day", has become my mantra.
In a way, I find this expression very dry and bereft of creativity. It is like I am back to Level 1, that is, my life is just a fight for survival.
On the other hand, it could be an expression of an important lesson I have learned the hard way: Without God, I am nothing.

Signs

Yesterday, God spoke to me concretely through two signs ...





As I was taking a stroll in our garden, I saw "the tree". I call it my tree because I feel a certain affinity to it. Two years ago, it looked to be dying with its bare branches, dry and decaying trunk. It was a picture of sheer helplessness. It was an image of life's transitoriness.
Now it is alive. Its branches full of green and robust leaves. It has grown big that it provides ample shade on a hot day.
God's message: There is life after death. In fact, in many ways, death is necessary in order to have true life.

Among the email messages I received, I got a story entitled "The Necklace". It is a very simple but poignant story. I will not attempt to make a summary because it is more beautiful to read in its entirety.
God's message: It is not easy to let go of things we think are the best for us. I do not know why, but in most cases, we cannot have the real best unless we let go of the second best.

Family

There is no perfect family. There is no generic checklist that would tell us what is a perfect family. We always look at our family from our own perspective and, wounded and imperfect as we are, it is always very subjective.
I can always find many personal strengths that have been influenced by my family, but, more often I focus on what is lacking, on my weaknesses, and it is always convenient to excuse myself or to blame my family.
"You can choose your friends, you cannot choose your family". This may sound like a curse, as if family is a burden one cannot do away with. Instead, my family gives me roots.
My family is a concrete expression that I belong, that I exist. My family will always be there whether I deserve it or not. I will always be a part of my family, whether I like it or not.
I guess, family reminds me that there are certain things in life that are a given. I cannot deny them. The choice that I have is how I will let them be a part of my life.

A very long distance

Between the mind and the heart, there is a very long distance. It happens very frequently to me now that certain things are very clear, reasonable and appealing to me at the level of the mind, but the heart says another thing. Sometimes I find myself numb and paralyzed. I know what I have to do, and I am totally convinced that I must do it, but the helplessness is there. So within myself I have two opposing forces. It must be what St. Paul was talking about...
To illustrate what I mean, it's like I have left my familiar shores because the other side is beckoning me. What lies ahead is very attractive, clear and luminous. I know I am moving but I don't seem to be getting nearer to the other side. I know I cannot go back anymore to my familiar shores, but where I am is a very insecure place. It's like I am moving but I don't seem to be going anywhere. It's like being stuck; I am neither here nor there.
Oh God, just give me what I need for today.
Let your grace be enough for me. Let your will be the source of my joy.

Forgiven and loved ... always

In any conflict, it is very easy and natural to think that we are the one unfairly treated. Jesus' words "love your enemy and pray for those who persecute you" is like an invitation for us to do something heroic, since it automatically comes to our mind that we are the one unfairly treated and unjustly persecuted.
This morning, I looked at this invitation from another perspective: It is God who loves me with a crazy love. Before I could have done this to anybody, God did it to me and continues to do so. God blesses me without any merit on my part. His goodness is without limits and conditions. He doesn't make a list of my failings and transgressions. I am not any less before His eyes because of my limitations. In fact, I have a feeling that He loves me more when I am weakest.
So when I read again this Gospel passage, I will not do so with a triumphalistic attitude because of my ability to practice it in my relationship with others. Rather, I will read it with gratitude, because my everyday life is a witness to This God who is Compassion, who loves me even when I am too busy focusing on myself and incapable of recognizing His faithful love.

Happiness cannot be programmed

I am on vacation these days, back to my own country and trying to re-connect and spend time with my family and friends.
One night as I was lying in bed and looking forward to the following day's time with my family, I thought of what I would say or how I would handle situations which might emerge. I was busy thinking about how to make that experience special, healing and memorable. I might be called a paranoid, but since I will be going back to Rome and my sister is leaving for another country and my father isn't getting any younger, this meeting might be our last together.
As I was mulling over these thoughts, it came so strikingly clear to me that great temptation that has always been present in my life: to want to catch happiness and hold on to it. But this is both silly and futile. Happiness happens. You don't plan it. A favorite author of mine says that once you become aware of it, happiness flies away. That is true. When I look at happiness as something that is other than exuberance or exhilaration, then it is really possible to be happy at every moment. There are no patterns to follow to assure happiness. It is a gift from God.
Happiness gives us eyes to see things with wonder, to taste the different flavors of life and see their balance and harmony, to hear the good news, to speak with hope, to touch others with tenderness and in freedom.
Happiness is something that we discover within ourselves. It doesn't happen because everything around us is right and perfect. Since it is something within, Jesus is right, it is "a joy that no one can ever take away from us".

Mother

I dreamt of my mother the other night. In my dream, I was sick and had to be confined in my room. Then I just heard a commotion outside and somebody told me that they were bringing my mother somewhere because she needs to be away for some time for a much needed rest. I wanted to go out and to say goodbye to her but they wouldn't let me because I was sick. I shouted and I cried but they wouldn't let me. The last image I had was of seeing my mother from afar being accompanied outside. Then I woke up.
Today is my mother's tenth death anniversary. I can't believe it has been ten years. I still cannot believe that when I go home for my vacation she will not be there.
My mother died suddenly. She was not bedridden nor was she confined to a hospital. She had some medical problems, but just a month before her death, we were together for my brother's diaconal ordination.
In fact, the memories I have of my mother will always be that of a smiling woman, friendly, outgoing, always willing to lend a helping hand, forgiving and never keeping grudges. Her patience was really admirable.
I miss my mother so much. I am sure that just by being with her, I would be re-charged and renewed, in order to see life with optimism, to look at people with compassion, to deal with everyday mistakes with humility, and to have a great trust in God.
Somehow, I know that she is still with me. After all, a part of her is in me.
Thank you, nanay. I miss you. From heaven, continue to bless our family and fill our hearts with joy.

It is the heart that sees

The Gospel according to Matthew talks of the women who went to the tomb in the dead of the night. It was as if, for them, the death of Jesus did not cut the ties that bound them to Him. For indeed, what is the sense of going to the tomb? They certainly had very exhausting days and the most logical thing to do was to have some rest. But can anybody who has lost a significant part of oneself rest? You may reason out with your mind, but the heart says otherwise, and it is always the heart that wins. Probably this is the reason why we need to mourn, to give time for the heart to say farewell, to let the heart take its own time to say goodbye.
To say farewell to someone who has been an important part of one's life is one of the most difficult things to do because the love in your heart is still present but the object of that love is no more, at least physically. To mourn takes time because it follows no program. It has no timetable.
I admire those women-followers of Jesus who did not choose to take a short cut, but who, instead, faced their pain. It takes a lot of courage and honesty. And they were rewarded. They managed to see the life that was bursting forth.
Why is it that in other parts of the Gospels, the apostles and the disciples saw Jesus but they did not recognize Him; instead, these women, when they suddenly met Jesus, "came to him, took hold of his feet, and worshipped him." They recognized Him.
Indeed, it is true, "only the heart sees what is essential that is invisible to the eye."
And so I respect the time that my heart needs to mourn, but I will not forget that it is not sorrow nor death that has the last word.
This is the message of Easter. Sorrow is a necessary part of life; but it is love that has the last word.
I will remember Blessed Teresa of Cacutta's words:
Remember that the passion of Christ ends always in the joy of the Resurrection.
So when you feel in your own heart the suffering of Christ,
remember the resurrection has to come, the joy of Easter has to dawn.
Never let anything so fill you with sorrow
as to make you forget the joy of the Risen Christ!

In patience, Jesus shows strength

Yesterday, we followed on television the Pope's annual Via Crucis. The commentary this year was very profound and touches life. Or it could be that I am in a very sensitive and pensive state at the moment. The brief introduction for the 7th Station "Jesus falls the second time" struck me: Gesù non dimostra potenza, ma insegna pazienza (Jesus does not show power, but teaches patience).
As I followed that Way of the Cross, it has struck me more and more that Jesus has really assumed everything that is human. We can say that in Jesus we see everything that is truly human, yes, everything, even those we would want to do away with in our lives: mistakes, failures, incomprehension, misjudgment, rejection, solitude, wounds, sickness, death. Yes, everything except sin.
So I can no longer say that since God cannot suffer, He cannot understand human suffering.
Indeed, God does understand. In the broken and mangled body of Jesus, we see that God has entered into the abyss of human suffering.
The God of Jesus, my God, has His own way of dealing with suffering. It is mindboggling because it defies human logic.
Often, I refuse His way. Often, like a spoiled child, what I want is for Him to take away the pain and to make everything right.
Because I am often fixated on what I want, on what I believe is the logical, the right way, I fail to see that, constantly, especially in moments of suffering, God gives me the greatest gift: HIS PRESENCE.
It is this presence of God that will allow me to be more patient everyday, patient with myself, patient with others, patient with life. It is patience which is the sign of true strength.

Reconciled

I went to Confession yesterday. Oh, what a wonderful encounter with God. How good Jesus is that He has instituted this sacrament. I am so sorry for those who do not have this privilege. I know that it is God who forgives sins, but through the priest's voice, God gives me the words of His forgiveness and other messages.
For me, the sacrament of Reconciliation is one of Jesus' greatest gifts to His Church. He knows that, human as we are, we understand and experience salvation through the mediation of visible and tangible signs.
The thing that makes Confession sometimes difficult for me is human respect, especially when I know the minister, or when I confess the same sin over and over again, or I confess something shameful (but what sin is not shameful!). But Jesus helps me to overcome this, as I remember that before God I stand stark naked, but He loves me just the same. I have nothing to boast of before God. Whatever good I do, I am able to because of Him. Whenever I sin, He is willing to forgive me "seventy times seven". I just have to trust more and more in the love of this marvellous God who defies human logic.
And what graces Jesus gives me through Confession! First of all, I have the certainty that I have been forgiven. I cannot doubt that, after all, I have heard the words of absolution. At the same time, through the priest's words, God gives me an opportune message as I continue my journey of conversion.
Indeed, what a great gift the sacrament of Reconciliation is.

The way of "weakness"

Christ's way, the way of "weakness", is actually the way of the strong. Only those who are strong can say "Here, with me, stops the violence. I refuse to continue this chain of hurt, so I will not answer back with a cutting remark..." I really think that Christ's way is the only way to true peace.
My many experiences tell me how my seemingly witty remark, articulate and, at the same time, pregnant and cutting with the message it conveys, in the end, left a bitter taste on my mouth. Only I know that. Only I can judge what it is that motivates what I say - is it the truth, or charity, or self-promotion, or vengeance, or a dare?
Hurting people will never make me happy especially if it is only because of our differences in opinion, taste, color or religion. It indicates my "narrow world", and the more I hurt others, the narrower my world becomes.
The way of kindness is the only way to live, or at least to have a life worth living. The problem is, we get very few models of this. Kindness gets very bad press.
I need to fix my eyes on Jesus, the real Strong One, the One who is meek and humble of heart.

A blank checque for Jesus

Yesterday, the solemnity of the Annunciation, we had a beautiful spiritual reading about Mary as "house". One line stands out to me particularly: "We become what dwells within us".
I remember Jesus' words that it is not what enters a person's mouth that makes one clean or unclean, rather, it is what comes out, because it is from the abundance of the heart that the mouth speaks.
If I allow God to dwell in my heart, He will change me. He will transform my mind, my sentiments, my words, my gestures according to His own style.
Actually I am already immersed in God's presence. As Saint Patrick's Breastplate Prayer says: "Christ be with me, Christ within me, Christ behind me, Christ before me, Christ beside me ... Christ beneath me, Christ above me". The step that I am called to make is to be aware of this Presence. To be aware that He is present is to allow Him to dwell in my heart, since it is in my heart where I store that which I treasure most.
Jesus Christ will transform me. I just need to be docile in His hands.
This docility would require great faith and courage. It's like giving Christ my life as a blank checque.
But so far, Jesus has never failed me. He hasn't made my life easy or successful by worldly standards, but I am still sane and capable of kindness. And I think that says a lot.

A place at His right

Today's Gospel is about the mother of James and John asking Jesus to give them the places at his right and his left in the Kingdom. I've always understood this text as a call to humility, that the real disciple of Christ doesn't seek an exalted place, because following Jesus is already reward in itself.
Today some other thought struck me. The right and the left places beside Jesus speak to me of security. After all, being beside God is the most secure place, isn't it?
In my life, I have always sought the safe place. I have never been a risk-taker. Weighing the pros and cons of things comes to me spontaneously. I guess many people are like me, too. I try to build a world, my own nook, with the people I like, with the things I would need, with manageable problems. When something happens that calls me to re-think this "ordered world", or when I find this world turned upside-down, I panic. Then I try to re-order it again, to put it back the way it was. But it is not possible.
Then I pray to Jesus to give me a little break, to put back a semblance of normality to my shattered world.
But in reality, this secure place, this place of perfect harmony where everything is in place, doesn't exist. All of life is a journey. All of life is about change. Nothing is ever the same. The paradise of today could be tomorrow's hell.
This is probably the reason why we should strive, instead, to store up for ourselves treasure in heaven. There is only one true treasure: Jesus.
It is easy to say but it is a lifetime journey to arrive at a conscious decision of really counting everything as rubbish, in order to have Jesus. But the journey begins now ...

Living my today to the full

Life is full of suprises. There are moments when I hear a dark voice telling me to regret something of the past, that "if only" refrain.
Well, I cannot change the past anymore. I can, however, honor it by learning the lessons it wants to teach me.
But I have my today to live to the full. This is the only moment I have in my hands.
It is useless to daydream about tomorrow.
I will focus on the present moment.
I will not expect anything.
I will be grateful.
I will love.

To forgive

To forgive is to do yourself a favour.
To forgive is to set yourself free, free to smell the flowers, free to listen to the birds.
To forgive is to unburden yourself of baggages that make your journey tedious and prevent you from soaring high.