everyday compassion

Greater peace

2012-01-26T17:46:00.001+01:00

I experience greater peace in letting myself be disturbed than in the comfort of my self-defined boundaries.

Everyday

2012-01-20T18:08:00.004+01:00

The title of my blog is "everyday compassion". It is also my personal name for God.
While going through my blog posts one time, a question came to my mind: My blog's name is "everyday compassion", don't I have to post something everyday?
In reality, I experience God everyday, so it wouldn't be that difficult to post something on a daily basis, no?
Wrong. It's not possible to post my daily experiences of God on a daily basis, not because of time or technical constraints.
It is not possible because in many ways we have an experience that is so deep and so true that we know that it is a God experience, but we cannot aptly describe it in words. We can attempt to jot down something, but words are always inadequate.
And I guess it should be like that. The more we recognize the presence of God in our everyday experiences, the more we are surprised, that, yes, He is that, but He is infinitely more.
And that is why He is God. He cannot be totally explained.
So I will be like a child. I will enjoy His presence. I will not try to fit Him into any category. I will simply enjoy and bask in His many surprising ways.

On being happy

2012-01-17T15:24:00.004+01:00

There is no perfect life, no perfect situation.
We do not wait for everything to be in place so that we can be happy.
We can always be happy. Every here and now is an opportunity to be happy.
Life always offers purely gracious moments but we need clear eyes and an uncluttered heart to recognize them.

Purely gracious

2012-01-17T09:18:00.003+01:00

Yesterday I chanced upon a former professor. It was quite dark and I wouldn't have recognized him had he not greeted "buona sera". I am sure he did not even recognize me, but he has always been a very cordial person. In fact he was one of the most approachable professors in the university.
Then I suddenly remembered that today, January 17, memorial of Saint Anthony of the Desert, is his name day. Name day or feast day or "festa di onomastico" is something big here in Italy and in religious congregations. So I just greeted him "buona festa". The greeting just came out of my mouth. I didn't even think about it. It just came out spontaneously.
Somebody once told me that people's actions are always motivated by personal interest. And I agreed with her because when we really look deeper and closely at our words and actions, there is always something for ourselves: self-defense, self-promotion, or just simply feeling good about oneself.
Last night I realized that this is not so true after all. There are moments in our life when we just say or do something good just like that, without thinking, without any calculation.
There are moments when we are face-to-face with pure gratuity.
I don't even know whether my professor remembered me, or if I will see him again. They didn't matter.
I greeted him and I know that at that time it was an experience that was purely gracious. It was an experience of God.

A Christmas carol

2012-01-06T20:16:00.006+01:00

The other day I watched the film "A Christmas Carol". It's a classic, and watching it made me reflect on certain things.
The ghost of Christmas past. It made Scrooge reminisce his past. You feel sort of sorry for the neglected boy who turned out to be the arch-enemy of Christmas, Ebenezer Scrooge.
Who we are today is greatly influenced by our past. It might be helpful to remember this in order to have more compassion towards people.
The ghost of Christmas present. It made Scrooge see the lives of the people who presently come in and out of his everyday life.
No man is an island. Being human means being related to people. Our deeds, misdeeds and ommissions have repercussions on the lives of the people closest to us, as their lives have consequences on the lives of others. We can say that every deed, misdeed or mission has a ripple effect. It makes me remember the film "Pay it forward".
The ghost of Christmas future. It made Scrooge have a vision of what will be in the future. Scrooge asked the ghost if what he has seen "will be" or "might be".
It is never too late to change. Yes, our past has a great impact on who we are today, but if we just try to be honest and to see our life now in terms of its effects on others, or on that good person that we are deep within our hearts, we can always change and go through the road of conversion.
Thanks, Ebenezer Scrooge. I guess this is your life's message for me now.
"God bless us, everyone."

My prayer for the year 2012

2012-01-01T00:06:00.002+01:00

May we always be aware of the presence of God in our everyday lives.
May He be the source of our joy and creativity.
May He be our hope in times of difficulties.
May He wipe away the tears we shed in the silence of our hearts.
May He give us the fullness of life, in fidelity to His promise and in response to the deepest desires of our heart.
May God bless us and our loved ones.
Happy new year.

We will rise

2011-12-31T22:55:00.005+01:00

The year 2011 has been a year of many blessings. Sometimes I think that God was trying to make up for all the tears I've shed.
The greatest blessing for me is the grace of insight. I have discovered that I am a strong person. I have always thought that I couldn't handle big difficulties. It is perhaps because of this that I have tried so hard to avoid conflict and precarious situations. But something happened for which I was unprepared. It was like being pushed into a wall with no way out. I have spent a long period of time groping in the dark, just living one day at a time, without any ambitious thought of miraculously emerging from the pit. All throughout this time I prayed that I wouldn't let anybody suffer because of what I was undergoing.
Then one day I just woke up with a very secure feeling that everything is going to be well. This feeling didn't change my situation, but it changed me. I know that I have paid due respect to my experience, that I have let it touch me to the depths.
The miracle was, it didn't engulf me into darkness. Instead, it made me discover that bereft of everything I still had the gift of life, and with this life comes the gift of a God who is with me, the Emmanuel.
So as I say goodbye to 2011, I thank God for making me rise again.

Growing up

2011-12-30T18:44:00.001+01:00

Though at first the heart rebels, reason has a reason. It is the journey from rebellion to quiet acceptance that makes us mature persons.

Apple is for Christmas

2011-12-28T10:58:00.003+01:00

At breakfast today we had a conversation about foods typical of the Christmas season in our own countries. This is actually one of the perks of being in an international community. We have a wide range of topics for conversation. It makes our interactions colorful and interesting. Anyway, going back to the topic of typical Christmas foods, I remember that when I was a little girl Christmas time meant seeing those red, shiny apples. Yes. Some might think that I come from another planet, but yes, again, during my younger years (a century ago), we only saw those apples at Christmas time, after all I come from the Philippines.
But now they have apples all year round in the Philippines. It is one of the consequences of globalization and the many advances in science and technology. Many things are now possible, defying issues of distance and seasons.
I guess our life now is pretty much the same. We have the possibility of having everything we want. Ironically, though, when we have what we want, we don't really become happy. Rather, we become bored. We don't even have time to enjoy what we have because we want to gear forward to the next level.
The red apple will remind me to slow down and to appreciate the little things, to wait and to look forward.
Life is not something to be devoured. It is something to taste, bite by bite, letting the sweetness or the bitterness linger.
In order to really live, we don't just nourish the body. We also have to feed the soul.

Perfect

2011-12-09T16:37:00.004+01:00

The other day we watched a film about the life of Mary of Nazareth from the time of the Annunciation to the loss and finding of Jesus in the temple of Jerusalem. The film ended with a shot of a very old and wrinkled lady, the narrator of the story, who was supposed to be Mary.
The basic structure of the film is based on the different Gospel traditions, but there are a few different and, frankly speaking, quite unorthodox interpretations.
Anyway, what has struck me most was that last scene of an old, wrinkled lady. How strange, to portray Mary of Nazareth, the most popular woman of all time, in this way.
On second thought, I quite like it. The many ways Mary has been portrayed from time immemorial leaves us the image of a perfect woman, according to our categories: beautiful, flawless, young, white, always sure, always right, humble, obedient, etc.
I am not saying that they are not adequate descriptions of Mary, but somehow, Mary's depiction has relegated her to what she is for many people - a beautiful, cold statue.
This isn't the Mary that Jesus has entrusted to John (and to us Christians, for that matter), as Jesus was dying on the cross. Somehow as I read between the lines of the Gospel, I believe that Jesus has given me Mary as my mother, as a woman to imitate.
Reading the Gospels would help me to understand Mary in flesh and blood. A little imagination wouldn't be bad, too.
Like for instance, after Jesus' loss and finding in the temple, Luke ends the narration with these words "But they (Mary and Joseph) did not understand what he (Jesus) said to them. He (Jesus) went down with them and came to Nazareth, and was obedient to them; and his mother kept all these things in her heart." (Luke 3:50-51) How did Mary feel when Jesus responded that way? Did she answer back or ask more explanations? Did this event create a tension in their home? How did they make up after this? etc.
I want to know Mary as a woman of flesh and blood. I believe this is a necessary step so that I may take her as teacher and model. If I see her as too perfect, does she have anything at all to do with my imperfect life? I guess not.
I bet Mary wouldn't be offended if I read through the Gospel lines and see her as flesh and blood. Her life is a message. If she managed, with all her limits and weaknesses and the imperfections of her circumstances, to say "yes" to God's designs, not in a passive and subservient way, then there is hope for me, too.

To my past pupils

2011-12-07T14:58:00.002+01:00

Dear young ladies,

It gives me great joy whenever I log in to my FB account and see your faces, your messages and any news about your life. I cannot believe that just a little over ten years ago you were the simple, carefree and good-hearted teen-agers I had the blessing to teach CLE. Oh my, how you have all grown. Some of you are now married and with your own children. Some have pursued the careers they were only dreaming about ten years ago. Sadly, one (as far as I know) has already gone back to the Father’s house. Many of you are in different parts of the globe.

Pardon me, and I hope you don’t get offended, but beneath the make up, the fancy clothes and the sophisticated expressions, I still see the wide-eyed girls full of curious questions, eager, yet a little fearful to march ahead and carve your own path.

I remember the times when I couldn’t finish the CLE lessons because of your questions, or because of other activities that “steal” the CLE time. You didn’t know it, but I was nervous that we wouldn’t finish the scheduled lessons in time for the periodical exams.

I remember our prayer moments to celebrate each lesson. How we had to push the benches in the chapel in order for you to squat on the floor. I know you liked those prayer moments because it meant “no formal lessons, no recitations”. But I also know that in the end, you enjoyed them because they were moments for you to enter into your heart, to think about your life. I believed in those prayer moments, even if they meant risking that we wouldn’t finish our lessons, because I knew that they were the rare quality moments you could spend with Jesus, and I know that if I didn’t accompany you to encounter Jesus, I would not have given you what is best.

I remember your journals. I know I was very demanding by asking you to write on them very often. But hey, it was more demanding for me, since I wanted to read each of your reflections and respond to them. Your journal entries were very precious to me, as they gave me the chance to know the person within, the person you were sometimes afraid to show in public.

I don’t know what came to me that I decided to write you this letter. It could be Kathrina’s forthcoming wedding. I just want to thank you for the experiences that we have shared together. Just thinking about you fills my heart with joy. You are all part of who I am. Thank you.

No one of us is ever the same. Each day we are called to make choices, big or small. Some choices are easy, some take a lot of courage. Some have long-lasting consequences. Each of our choices contribute in building the person that we are, yes, even the mistakes that we make.

My wish and my prayer for each one of you is to be happy with who you are, yet be open to become better persons. When I say better, I do not mean “become more beautiful, more popular, more successful, have more money”, or whatever it is that is usually equated with success. What I mean is, that you may truly be happy with a joy that nobody can take away. Success, money, material things, friends, even family are not permanent things in life. No matter how hard we work to assure that they last, they never do. Believe me, I have experienced it.

My prayer for you is that you may truly encounter Jesus in your life. Let Him be the rock on which to build your life. The choices that may make you enjoy now may later be your suffering, if they are not compatible with the message of Jesus and with God’s dream for you.

Wherever you are, I hope you keep in touch with each other, especially with your closest friends in high school. They are the ones who truly know you. They are the ones who will remain with you when the going gets rough. Reach out to your former classmates who are maybe awkward to reach out to you. Pray for each other. Prayer enlarges our heart and makes us think of others. It cures us of our selfishness. Remember that a selfish person will never be happy.

Tomorrow is the feast of the Immaculate Conception. In the Salesian world, it is considered as the birth of Don Bosco’s work. I will, for sure, remember you in my prayers in a special way.

May God bless each one of you. May He wipe away the tears of those of you who are suffering at this moment. May you rest in the firm conviction that our God is a loving Father who takes care of our daily needs.

I love you all in the love of Jesus.

Jesus Christ, the visible expression of God

2011-12-05T12:02:00.005+01:00

"By giving us, as he (God) did, his Son, his only Word, he has in that one Word said everything. There is no need for any further revelation ...
Therefore, anyone who wished to question God or to seek some new vision or revelation from him would commit an offense, for instead of focusing his eyes entirely on Christ he would be desiring something other than Christ, or beyond him.
God could then answer: This is my beloved Son in whom I am well pleased; hear him. In my Word I have already said everything. Fix your eyes on him alone for in him I have revealed all and in him you will find more than you could ever ask for or desire."

(From "The Ascent of Mount Carmel", by Saint John of the Cross)

When I look all around me, I cannot but believe in the existence of God, that is, of Somebody who is greater than the greatest human person.
But I have been blessed all the more because I know that this great God loves me. He is loving, compassionate, merciful, respectful, forgiving. He is a God who waits for us and who loves us unconditionally. Most of all, I can call Him Father, and that is just what He is.
Thanks to Jesus, God is no longer an object of speculation.
Through Jesus' person and message, we have come face-to-face with God. And this God is not somebody to be afraid of. He is a God who has first reached out to us and who continues to reach out. He is a God who has our best interests. He is a God who wants us to have the fullness of life.
Aren't we, Christians, just so blessed to have such a good God?
May this Advent season be an experience of gratitude for this God who is our Father.

Solitude

2011-11-15T18:11:00.003+01:00

It is necessary for us to enter into solitude in order to know and to celebrate who we are.

Father

2011-11-10T18:50:00.001+01:00

The most daring thing we can ever do is to call God "Father". But I bet God is very happy when we dare to do so.

Looking for joy

2011-11-09T17:04:00.002+01:00

I have often wondered why people want to amass so much money than they can spend in their lifetime ...
or why people march behind the battlecry "freedom to do what I want" ...
or why people engage or remain in abusive relationships and habits ...
or why people spend a good deal of their time and energy in running after success, accomplishments and recognition ...
I think that at the root of each of this is really the cry of the human heart to be happy. In whatever age or situation, we look for joy. Even our faith in God is, to a great extent, motivated by the quest for joy.
The problem is, we forget about this "end" of our searching. We focus on the means, the ones I've listed above. Like blind persons running around in circles, we accomplish them yet we crave for more. We are never satiated because we forget, in the first place, what we are looking for: it's not money, nor beauty, nor health, nor success... It's all about joy, the real one.
I think we should shift gears. We should stop running after things, people, fleeting pleasures, etc. because our very experiences tell us that they will never give us true joy.
Instead, we must acquire the eyes of a child that is capable of awe and wonder in front of the most ordinary, everyday thing.
Joy is always before us, within our grasp, through the most unexpected ways.
We must let go of our adult, sophisticated ways and become like children.

"I give praise to you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, for although you have hidden these things from the wise and the learned you have revealed them to the childlike." (Mt 11:25)
"Unless you turn and become like children, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven." (Mt 18:3)

Hope

2011-11-08T10:01:00.000+01:00

Hope springs from a heart that remembers with gratitude.

We shall overcome

2011-11-07T05:41:00.004+01:00

I recently watched a television interview of a man who, fourteen months ago, lost his eldest daughter in a terrible accident. Six months before that, his wife died. So this eldest daughter was practically like a second mother to his youngest son.
He is a permanent deacon, so it was understandable that he talked about how faith has sustained him throughout the whole ordeal of waiting until the definitive news that his daughter’s body has been found. It is still faith in God that colors his everyday life. He said, “I believe that it is part of God’s will, though it is not always easy to understand”.
What has struck me the most, however, were not his words but his eyes. I cannot describe them. Even without saying anything, his eyes would have communicated a certain depth that has been reached only through the royal road of suffering. It wasn’t sadness I saw in those eyes, but joy tempered by the awareness of one’s fragility. It was something quiet and silent, a joy that has been tamed by pain and the experience of brokenness.
His eyes seemed to tell me, to tell us that in the midst of the most terrible pain, something good can come out; that God is faithful, though He doesn’t take away the suffering and the pain.
Here was a man who live each moment and each day with gratitude and trust that God never fails even when He seems silent. He will never fail us. We just need to trust.
And I believe him because of his eyes.

Gift

2011-11-05T20:25:00.004+01:00

One of the first things I do in the morning is to open my personal emails especially after I have sent a message to some people. I guess it is but normal to expect a response from them. So I get so excited when I see a response, or disappointed, to a greater or a lesser degree, when I don't get one. Sometimes I would reason out that the other person should have at least acknowledged receipt of my message.
But come to think of it, who would want to read or to receive anything from anybody who did it only out of a sense of propriety or breeding? Instead, we would want that the gift or the favor come from the goodness of the other person's heart. Let me put it this way, we would enjoy the message or the favor if we know that the person is happy in giving us this favor.
I think this is one of the secrets of joy: to see everything as a gift that comes from the goodness of God and of people.
When I deal with people on a tit-for-tat basis, I become attached to "what is my due" that I look at people with suspicion. Instead when I let go of "my claims", then I look at everything as a gift.

Holiness

2011-11-04T11:52:00.000+01:00

Holy people focus on God, not on their own perfection.

Pollyanna

2011-11-01T20:08:00.004+01:00

Pollyanna introduced the so-called "Glad game". It goes this way. In whatever situation, one should find something to be glad about.
I have always been a very positive person, an optimist, someone who always saw the glass "half full". But something happened and for a long time I found it difficult to just go through each day and remain a decent person, much less to find anything positive about everything.
Now I have gotten back my smile. It is not a boisterous and exuberant joy. Rather, it is a feeling of lightness in my heart because I believe that there is always something good. It may not be big or obvious, but there is always something good.
I do not know how I have managed to arrive at this point. I cannot give any advice on how to overcome the long and terrible periods of darkness that each person must pass in their life.
All I know is that it was a gift, a grace from God.
I guess that is the secret in finding always something to be glad about, something to be grateful for. When I look at life with gratitude, it means that I recognize that there is something good. When I look at the small blessings that make up my every day life, then there is really something to be glad about. And each day I can always find so much to be grateful for.

Kathleen's kindness

2011-10-21T11:37:00.005+02:00

“Sometimes I think that I could have said something …” After she said these words, I felt a lump in my throat and a great feeling of gentleness in my heart. It is one of those very touching moments in my life when I felt overwhelmed with the love of someone. She has accompanied me as I journeyed through a long period of pain. With her words I suddenly had the intuition that this special person has really entered into my own pain.

It is not easy to be with persons who are undergoing a difficult period,especially that kind of pain that is within, that interior pain which one can never even share. What can you say? Is it necessary to say something? If the person says she doesn’t need you, do you take her words at face value? What if she has been hurting for a long time? What can you do to stop the hurting?

So it is that at that very moment, I felt overwhelmed by grace. Something good has come out of the long Calvary. It is the realization that patient love does exist.

She hasn’t solved my problem. She has made me discover the treasure that I have, that of being accompanied by a person who is willing to enter into my pain. At that low point when I have lost all of my self-esteem, somebody has taken time to stay with me. More than anything, this made me realize that I had value. Somebody was willing to waste her time on me.

We cannot live others’ lives for them. We can rejoice with their joys and cry with their sorrows; but each person has to go through life’s moments and experiences of solitude, in order to discover the meaning of life and of who we are.

Our patience, trust and faith are the best gifts we can offer each other as we go through the dark, believing that there is always light at the end of the tunnel.

Happy birthday

2011-10-18T18:33:00.004+02:00

The other day I celebrated my "birthday".
Last year, on October 16, after so many months of dryness and of dragging myself one day at a time, I suddenly had my eureka moment. I do not know what precipitated it, or what was its context, but I just had a very sure feeling deep in my heart that "the days of mourning are over". The feeling wasn't the result of the resolution of anything because my life's situation practically stayed the same, but I knew in my heart that my life was turning around, that, finally, the joy of the new dawn is coming.
So it is that I have chosen October 16 as my new birthday. Every year I will celebrate it because it reminds me that God will never allow anything to break me. I just have to trust Him. How can my small mind ever grasp life's great mystery? It's presumptuous to think so.
God didn't fail me. He never will.

Wait

2011-10-17T20:41:00.002+02:00

I got inspired by the Gospel today. Actually, I have been struck by this passage last year and it has sort of accompanied my journey.

Then he said to them, 'Watch, and be on your guard against avarice of any kind, for life does not consist in possessions, even when someone has more than he needs.' Luke 12:15

Since God is a loving Father who takes care of our moment-by-moment needs, I call it my “daily bread spirituality”, I believe that, once again, He has enabled me to have an insight into my journey at this point in my life. I came across a book by Anselm Grün, OSB, “The Spiritual Challenge of Midlife”, and I know that it is a treasure. It doesn’t solve my questions, nor does it quench my angst, but, as I said, it offered me an insight, nay, so many insights, that I am even tempted to say that this “midlife crisis” is actually a blessing.

Midlife is an invitation to change perspective and to go inward, to know, not through your head but through your heart, after a lot of tears and o being bent and bruised, that what makes me happy is not to be in charge of my life. Rather, true joy comes from knowing that God is the only security. Hoarding doesn’t make me secure. Only gratitude and trust can.

Here are the words of the book. I cannot paraphrase them as I am afraid of losing their beauty and depth.

Many people get into a midlife religious crisis because they have the will to conquer religious life in the same way they conquered their professional lives. They continually want to grab onto religious experiences and, as it were, amass a spiritual fortune. Dullness and disappointment in prayer are an indication that I must give up the search for the God experiences, let go of my striving for ownership, and just be very simple before God. What is important is that I surrender myself entirely to God without constantly demanding gifts from him, such as rest, security or religious gratification. Detachment also requires the readiness to suffer. Detachment does not mean that one has found calm and enjoyment. On the contrary, one is willing to give up these things and is ready to let God lead one into the fray…

People should not break away from the difficulty, but simply wait. One cannot free oneself by one’s own power. A person can do nothing but wait for God himself to lead one into a new spiritual maturity. This also means trusting that God will not leave a person in distress without providing a positive outcome…

Midlife crisis also involves an internal change of leadership. It is no longer I, but God, who leads.

They are ours; they are God's

2011-10-14T14:02:00.004+02:00

I was at a youth encounter in Punta de Tralca, Chile, last weekend. I was struck by one of the prayers shared by one of the participants...
that we may realize that streetchildren are not children of the streets. They are God's; they are ours.

Grateful

2011-10-06T20:19:00.004+02:00

Two and a half years ago, something happened that has turned my life upside down. It was something unexpected, and until now I am still clueless as to the real reason behind it. The experience has made me question the goodness of people and the goodness of life itself.
I have tried to face the issue despite my natural tendency to be afraid of confrontation, whether with myself or with others.
I have tried to “blackmail” God, asking Him to take away the hurt, just as a child would do with his mother after a scratch or a fall.
I have tried to be patient and to let time pass, thinking that things will get back on the right course.
I have tried to change myself, thinking that if I became a “better” person the situation will change.
I have tried a lot of things, a lot of techniques. I was telling myself that I was trying to be positive about the whole thing, but maybe, yes, probably, deep within my heart, I was longing for a return to the past, to my happy and uncomplicated life.
Things did not turn out that way. Rather, they turned out for the better.
I am grateful for the experience because I have learned and discovered so much about myself and about life.
I have discovered that my good and even heroic actions are always tainted by self-seeking. But I have also discovered that I can reach out and turn the other cheek.
I’ve learned that things change, people change, and it is not their fault that they do. It is the reality of life. But I have also learned that each person tries his/her best, that no one willfully hurts others.
I have discovered that the most devastating experience that could happen to me is not failure in my work or career, but the fracture in a human relationship. But I have also discovered that I am strong.
I’ve learned that the heart always wins over the head. But I have also learned that the heart reasons out on its own, and though it may take time, it can learn to fight or to let go.
Do I wish that the experience never happened to me? I think that the question is useless; though I would not wish that kind of experience on any body because I know how it almost broke me.
The experience made me believe all the more in the goodness and wisdom of God. It is in my weakness, in the lowest point in my life that I came face to face with the beauty of life and the resilience and dignity of the human spirit.
The Lord is my shepherd, there is nothing I shall fear.

Flow

2011-09-17T11:46:00.007+02:00

Stagnant water stinks.
So it is with life. We cannot get hold of an experience, even the best one, and try to put a frame around it and freeze it in time.
"Happily ever after" is a lie. Oops, sorry, it's such a strong term. "Happily ever after" does not mean that from-now-on-everything-is-okay-and-i-can-just-sit-down-and-enjoy. That is why "happily ever after" is only for fairy tales.
Real life is always on the move. As my father likes to say, the only constant thing in life is change.
So I guess the best attitudes that I should have in front of life are gratitude, attention and detachment.
Gratitude, because many things in life, the things that really matter, are freely given to us. What make us most happy are not the things that we have "earned", but those that are freely shared with us out of the goodness of God and of people's hearts.
Attention, because the present moment is the only one that I have and that is in my hands. It is useless to regret the past and to worry about the future. They are not in my hands. I should live well the present because it is the gift that I have. I've read once that the present moment is a gift, that is why it is called "present".
Detachment, because everything passes. Detachment does not mean stoicism. It means accepting that everything that we have is on loan and it is inutile to cling to them.
To live is to flow, like a river.

Don't sell your soul

2011-08-27T21:30:00.004+02:00

I just came back from a "Tabor experience", you know those experiences where you really feel so enthusiastic and so positive you have a feeling you could conquer the world.
Last week, at this same time, I was in Cuatro Vientos, feeling so re-charged in my faith, and celebrating it without inhibitions, despite the scorching heat of the sun and the downpour in the evening. I know that faith in God is something personal, but it sure helps to belong to a community that shares it with you. It felt so good to be with normal, happy, everyday people who treasure the same values that I do, and who believe in the same God that I believe in.
Now, I am back to the lowlands, to everyday life.
We do not always feel the "highs" in life. Everyday life could be killing us with its plainness, ordinariness, monotony, etc. There are no formulas that will ensure a lasting dwelling on the plateau. Sooner or later we have to go down. It will not do to resist, because the "Tabor experience" is a gift freely given and not a fruit of our ability.
When everyday life's ordinariness touches us so deeply, we often run around and look for things and persons to appease this feeling of emptiness. We don't want to go through the experience of being insecure because it is a frightening experience and we always want to be assured.
Maybe this was what Jesus felt when, after forty days of fasting and prayer in the desert, he was tempted by the devil. Temptations are invitations to choose the easy way out.
But Jesus invites us not to sell our soul. There is only one response to the aching of our heart: God. And this God freely gives himself to me. I just need to wait.

I didnt' see the Pope

2011-08-22T12:48:00.006+02:00

I was in Madrid for World Youth Day 2011. I cannot explain how I feel. There are so many wonderful experiences, big and small, that I feel overwhelmed by this opportunity that God has given me to be confirmed in my faith.
I know that our faith in God is something personal. It is not a mature faith until it is something that one owns personally. But being personal does not mean that faith is something private that one keeps only in the heart or, at most, shares with the people nearest to him/her. This is what I have experienced in Madrid.
It is so overwhelming to know that I am not alone in living my Christian faith. There are many others who share the same faith with me. Probably we manifest this faith in different ways, but still we acknowledge this faith.
I didn't have the opportunity to see Pope Benedict XVI at close range, but I don't really feel bad about it. Being in Cuatro Vientos with those people, with those young people, and staying, despite the rain, is something I will carry in my heart for always. God has touched me with the presence of these people.
Skeptics might say that it will only be an event among many others for many of the young pilgrims. But I don't believe so. The fact that they stayed and braved the heat, the rain and all the inconveniences makes me believe otherwise.
May God make our faith really strong, and may we be joyful witnesses to this faith.

Desert

2011-08-09T21:54:00.004+02:00

God said, "I will allure her in the desert and speak to her heart."
My desert could be any place.
When I am bereft of my securities, when I feel helpless in front of life's forces, I am in the desert.
When I feel totally alone, despite being surrounded by a crowd, I am in the desert.
The paradox is, it is only when I am in this difficult place called the desert that my heart becomes ready to listen.
Finally, God can speak to me.

Light

2011-08-06T20:27:00.004+02:00

I woke up very early this morning. It was still dark.
From one angle in the garden I saw flashes of light. They were very quick and weak. It was only because I was paying close attention that I saw them and looked at them in awe. I knew that they were fireflies. I was fascinated by their perseverance as they continued to flash their weak light in pitch-black darkness. It's as if it didn't matter to them that they didn't seem to make any difference.
That was God's message for me today. When the darkness seems to overwhelm me, He comes and reveals Himself like these flashes of light.
It may not be enough to dispel the darkness, but it is what I need in order to remember that all is not dark.
God perseveres in making His presence felt, but most of the time He does it in gentle and quiet ways. He doesn't want to impress me to submission; He attracts me with His persistence.
Even if many times I don't acknowledge Him, or I wait for Him to reveal Himself in a grand way, He continues with His gentle light. What a great God! Pure, gratuitous love.

Faithful

2011-08-05T20:41:00.004+02:00

Today is the feast of our religious congregation. There is an air of celebration, as two Sisters in my community celebrate their 60th anniversary of religious profession, while two others celebrate their silver anniversary. As the priest said in his homily, it is a counter-testimony to a society that frowns on long-term commitments.
Having been a professed Sister for nineteen years, I can say that I admire these Sisters for staying on. Living in a community with people whom you have not chosen to be with is not easy. In our Constitutions and in the Letters of our Foundress, Mother Mazzarello, we read beautiful expressions such us "give the best to your Sisters" or "who loves Jesus agrees with everybody". But in concrete everyday life, it is not easy. I think that at least once in our life we have been tempted to just go away to a place where "I will be more appreciated and respected".
So why do people stay, why do I stay?
Is it just a habit that is difficult to break?
Or is it the fear of the unknown that prevents me leaving?
Both reasons are true, yet, deep in my heart I know that the reason why I stay is beyond me.
So today I celebrate "fidelity", not mine but God's.
Yes, in the story of my life, in the life stories of many religious men and women, the real "faithful one" is God. His fidelity is sure, creative, forgiving, hopeful, life-giving.
My favorite name for God is "Everyday compassion", my second favorite name for God is "the faithful one". He calls me, yes, imperfect, inconstant, weak me. He calls me everyday to give Him my hand and allow Him to lead me in the dance of life. At times I let go of His hands and go my own way, and then I feel insecure and alone. But maybe that is also part of the dance. God is such a faithful partner that He waits for me at the right time and with the right step.
I am never alone, God is a faithful dancing partner.

Traces of God

2011-07-27T18:09:00.004+02:00

These days at Mass, we are reading the book of Exodus. In it Moses is referred to as the person "who spoke to God face to face, as one man speaks to another", yet even Moses did not see God in all His glory because no man sees God and still lives.
But God told Moses, "When my glory passes I will set you in the hollow of the rock and will cover you with my hand until I have passed by. Then I will remove my hand, so that you may see my back; but my face is not to be seen."
Deep in each person's heart is the desire to know God. Maybe many of us do not know that it is God we are searching for as we search for joy, peace, life, serenity. Many times we do not realize that the unquenchable thirst, the angst that come to us once in a while, is the heart searching for God.
We cannot see God in His full glory, after all, we are limited creatures! But God shows Himself to us after He has passed us by.
We cannot see God face to face. We cannot fully comprehend Him. Otherwise, we would be God, too. But God is present in our every day life. And it is only on hindsight that we become aware of His presence, when we look back and review our experiences. We see that we are never alone. We see God's traces in our daily life.
So why continue to search for God? In reality, it is in our search for Him that we grow and we discover who we truly are.

Woman, why are you weeping?

2011-07-22T12:50:00.002+02:00

I love Saint Mary Magdalene, and for many reasons. The first reason is, "she loved much".
The second reason is, she was totally true to herself that she was not afraid to show her weakness. When she saw the empty tomb, she started to cry, and it is in this state of weeping that Jesus encountered her.
For many people, crying, especially weeping, is a sign of weakness. How many people would want to be seen with their puffy eyes and red nose? I don't think we would find many. Each person wants to show to the world that he or she is strong. Nobody wants to be laughed at or pitied.
But in reality, how many of us can really say that everything is really okay. I mean, deep within our hearts, can we really say that nothing or no one really touches us to the point of crying?
When I reached forty, I have had a lot of exercise in crying. In fact, a friend called me a "cornball". My childhood friends and my classmates in high school and college would not believe this because they have always known me as the "jolly-bing". Anyway, nowadays I cry for a lot of reasons: when I have a headache or other physical pains, when I am tired, when I am touched by what I am reading or what I am watching, when I wax nostalgic, when I have a strong experience of any sort, when I realize the goodness of God expressed especially in small things, when I think about the transitoriness of life, etc., etc.
Actually crying does me a lot of good. I don't really cry in full view of others because I still haven't overcome human respect. But I do a lot of crying. It does me good because it makes me realize my boundaries, that at the end of the day, everything is on loan. Crying helps me to be in solidarity with the countless men and women who suffer for small or big reasons. It makes me remember that I need God, and that this God I believe in is a tender God who comforts those who mourn, who wipes away the tears...

Joseph's story is every person's story

2011-07-11T17:24:00.003+02:00

These days we have been reading the story of Joseph and his brothers. This story has always fascinated me since I was a child. Joseph - the chosen one, the fair-skinned son of the beloved wife.
Joseph has certainly lived a charmed life as a boy, but everything ended in a flash. He certainly wasn't prepared for that fateful day when his life took an unexpected turn. Tired of being second best and of being lumped together in the generic term "Jacob's other sons", Joseph's brothers wanted to get rid of him. The first plan was to kill him, but one brother interceded "let's just sell him to the travelling merchants..."
Joseph pleaded, after all, these are his brothers. They have the same father, they ate at the same table. But the brothers' hearts have already been hardened. Envy and jealousy have a way of killing whatever spark of reason there is.
Then begins Joseph's many adventures...
From being sold as a slave, to being jailed, to being a high official in Egypt, second only to the Pharaoh himself.
It is a real dumpsters-to-throne story.
It takes only a few chapters of the book of Genesis to see how Joseph's life story had a happy ending.
In real life, it must not have been very easy for Joseph. Who knows how many nights he laid awake trembling with fear while he was with the caravan of the travelling merchants. What did he feel everytime he remembered his brothers' treachery and betrayal? How long did he struggle to accept that he was now alone in a hostile and foreign world, and that he would never see his beloved father again? Did he ever blame himself for what happened? Did revenge ever enter his mind? What about death, did he ever think of death as a sweet end to everything?
The Bible doesn't give answers to these questions, but given the number of years that it took before he ever saw his brothers again, I am sure that Joseph did not even imagine that his life would have not only a happy, but a glorious ending!
I guess Joseph's story is the story of every man and woman.
There are times in our life when we feel that there is no way out, that we have already exhausted all our options, that everything conspires to lead us to a downward spiral. There are many experiences that just don't make sense, no matter how much time and attention we give to dissecting them. There is just nothing in them for us except suffering.
But somehow, we survive, in different ways.
These experiences change us.
Probably for many of us, our stories will not have Joseph's perfect ending, that is, full closure, with people and events that have treated us badly, trampled our self-esteem and forced us to go on a very lonely journey.
For many of us, the happy ending will be something "quiet", like when we come to realize that, indeed, something good has happened out of the bad blows that life has dealt us with.
We do not know how long it will take before we arrive at this realization. That is why we need the presence of Someone who can be our deep center, Someone who will not give us the answers like a vendo machine, but Someone who will keep us company as we go through the journey's ups and downs, lights and shadows.
God will help us to read the beautiful stories that He writes with our life's crooked lines.

Peter and Paul

2011-06-29T11:19:00.004+02:00

Peter and Paul, two great saints.
Peter and Paul, two pillars of the Church.
Funny but when we think of great people, we always expect them to be perfect. But these two were not.
Peter, despite the privilege conferred on him by Jesus Himself, to be the first among the apostles, denied any knowledge of Jesus in front of a slave girl, of all people.
Paul, the great apostle, talked about a thorn in the flesh, most probably, in our vocabulary, a defect.
Somehow these two tell me that greatness is not equal to perfection. Greatness does not mean being somebody other than yourself so that you can conform to a certain model.
Greatness is truth. It is being truthful to oneself. It is accepting who I am, both my lights and shadows. No person is without anything positive or good.
When we live our lives according to who we are, without regrets, without excuses, then we are on the road to greatness.
Lastly, greatness does not mean being popular or being acclaimed.
Greatness is to feel good about oneself and to do my part, little though it may be, to make life a little bit better and kinder to someone.
When I can say, with a twinkle in my eyes, "I feel great!", this is the greatness that really matters.

God has no fingers

2011-06-27T12:25:00.004+02:00

Today's first reading is from Genesis 18:16-33, where Abraham bargained with God so God won't destroy Sodom and Gomorrah if He finds some righteous people there. The bargain went from fifty to ten. When he arrived at ten, Abraham stopped, probably thinking that it would be too much of a stretch to expect God to agree to a number lower than ten.
In a take on this story, one author re-wrote the story with a twist in the ending: As Abraham was leaving, he failed to see that God did not have hands...
I was struck by this second ending. If Abraham looked closely, he would have seen that God does not have hands. He would have realized that without hands, God cannot count whether there are ten righteous people among the peoples of Sodom and Gomorrah.
This is the God I believe in, a God of infinite mercy and goodness. This is the God that Jesus introduced to us, a God that forgives seven times seven; meaning, without limits.
Our God doesn't keep an account book.
We often take for granted the power of supplication, of praying for others. Since God is a God of mercy and compassion, He is happy when we partake of His mercy and compassion.
In the end, perhaps the bargaining is not really with God but with ourselves. Can I lower my "boundaries" from fifty to zero, and be able to forgive with all my heart? Can I widen my heart so as to give space even to people who do not "deserve" it?

Never the same

2011-06-21T08:32:00.003+02:00

Every person, at one time or another, goes through a "Humpty Dumpty" experience, when the world, as it is known, suddenly crashes and "all the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again".
This experience normally catches one by surprise, though, as one looks back, there may have already been signs along the way.
When the Humpty Dumpty experience happens, the first reaction is to ask oneself: Where did I go wrong? What didn't I do right? Why did this happen to me?
Then follows the frantic attempt to re-create the lost world, to try to put back things as they were. But, somehow, one finds out that the pieces of the puzzle don't fit anymore. You suddenly get the insight that, no matter how hard you try, it won't work, that any attempt is futile.
But your heart is afraid to surrender because, after all, the old world, despite its imperfections, is the only world you know.
Then daily life becomes a battleground:
between resistance and abandonment;
between holding on and letting go;
between self-blame and compassion;
between resentment and gratitude;
between despair and moving on.
It will take time before one finally reaches a certain level of equilibrium, when you start to see life in a realistic way, but with hope.
And there will still be moments of uncertainty, but that is okay because they remind you that this life is not our permanent home.
Yes, you will heal, but you're never the same.

Not in control

2011-06-20T09:15:00.004+02:00

These days I am living in tension, that is, there are so many things in my mind and in my heart. When they surface, I don't have the time to face them because there are more pressing works to attend to. When I find time, I cannot recover the stirrings that have surfaced during my busy time; but subconsciously, I am not at ease because I know that there is something I have to attend to.
This situation has now become so normal and ordinary in my life. I don't know whether it is temporary, or whether I will be able to get back a little semblance of "serenity".
I admit that I am not in control of my life. The words "Lord, just let me live through this day", has become my mantra.
In a way, I find this expression very dry and bereft of creativity. It is like I am back to Level 1, that is, my life is just a fight for survival.
On the other hand, it could be an expression of an important lesson I have learned the hard way: Without God, I am nothing.

Signs

2011-06-18T09:01:00.014+02:00

Yesterday, God spoke to me concretely through two signs ...

As I was taking a stroll in our garden, I saw "the tree". I call it my tree because I feel a certain affinity to it. Two years ago, it looked to be dying with its bare branches, dry and decaying trunk. It was a picture of sheer helplessness. It was an image of life's transitoriness.
Now it is alive. Its branches full of green and robust leaves. It has grown big that it provides ample shade on a hot day.
God's message: There is life after death. In fact, in many ways, death is necessary in order to have true life.

Among the email messages I received, I got a story entitled "The Necklace". It is a very simple but poignant story. I will not attempt to make a summary because it is more beautiful to read in its entirety.
God's message: It is not easy to let go of things we think are the best for us. I do not know why, but in most cases, we cannot have the real best unless we let go of the second best.

Family

2011-06-17T09:35:00.003+02:00

There is no perfect family. There is no generic checklist that would tell us what is a perfect family. We always look at our family from our own perspective and, wounded and imperfect as we are, it is always very subjective.
I can always find many personal strengths that have been influenced by my family, but, more often I focus on what is lacking, on my weaknesses, and it is always convenient to excuse myself or to blame my family.
"You can choose your friends, you cannot choose your family". This may sound like a curse, as if family is a burden one cannot do away with. Instead, my family gives me roots.
My family is a concrete expression that I belong, that I exist. My family will always be there whether I deserve it or not. I will always be a part of my family, whether I like it or not.
I guess, family reminds me that there are certain things in life that are a given. I cannot deny them. The choice that I have is how I will let them be a part of my life.

A very long distance

2011-06-16T09:51:00.005+02:00

Between the mind and the heart, there is a very long distance. It happens very frequently to me now that certain things are very clear, reasonable and appealing to me at the level of the mind, but the heart says another thing. Sometimes I find myself numb and paralyzed. I know what I have to do, and I am totally convinced that I must do it, but the helplessness is there. So within myself I have two opposing forces. It must be what St. Paul was talking about...
To illustrate what I mean, it's like I have left my familiar shores because the other side is beckoning me. What lies ahead is very attractive, clear and luminous. I know I am moving but I don't seem to be getting nearer to the other side. I know I cannot go back anymore to my familiar shores, but where I am is a very insecure place. It's like I am moving but I don't seem to be going anywhere. It's like being stuck; I am neither here nor there.
Oh God, just give me what I need for today.
Let your grace be enough for me. Let your will be the source of my joy.

Forgiven and loved ... always

2011-06-14T16:56:00.003+02:00

In any conflict, it is very easy and natural to think that we are the one unfairly treated. Jesus' words "love your enemy and pray for those who persecute you" is like an invitation for us to do something heroic, since it automatically comes to our mind that we are the one unfairly treated and unjustly persecuted.
This morning, I looked at this invitation from another perspective: It is God who loves me with a crazy love. Before I could have done this to anybody, God did it to me and continues to do so. God blesses me without any merit on my part. His goodness is without limits and conditions. He doesn't make a list of my failings and transgressions. I am not any less before His eyes because of my limitations. In fact, I have a feeling that He loves me more when I am weakest.
So when I read again this Gospel passage, I will not do so with a triumphalistic attitude because of my ability to practice it in my relationship with others. Rather, I will read it with gratitude, because my everyday life is a witness to This God who is Compassion, who loves me even when I am too busy focusing on myself and incapable of recognizing His faithful love.

Happiness cannot be programmed

2011-05-30T21:07:00.006+02:00

I am on vacation these days, back to my own country and trying to re-connect and spend time with my family and friends.
One night as I was lying in bed and looking forward to the following day's time with my family, I thought of what I would say or how I would handle situations which might emerge. I was busy thinking about how to make that experience special, healing and memorable. I might be called a paranoid, but since I will be going back to Rome and my sister is leaving for another country and my father isn't getting any younger, this meeting might be our last together.
As I was mulling over these thoughts, it came so strikingly clear to me that great temptation that has always been present in my life: to want to catch happiness and hold on to it. But this is both silly and futile. Happiness happens. You don't plan it. A favorite author of mine says that once you become aware of it, happiness flies away. That is true. When I look at happiness as something that is other than exuberance or exhilaration, then it is really possible to be happy at every moment. There are no patterns to follow to assure happiness. It is a gift from God.
Happiness gives us eyes to see things with wonder, to taste the different flavors of life and see their balance and harmony, to hear the good news, to speak with hope, to touch others with tenderness and in freedom.
Happiness is something that we discover within ourselves. It doesn't happen because everything around us is right and perfect. Since it is something within, Jesus is right, it is "a joy that no one can ever take away from us".

Mother

2011-04-30T08:02:00.003+02:00

I dreamt of my mother the other night. In my dream, I was sick and had to be confined in my room. Then I just heard a commotion outside and somebody told me that they were bringing my mother somewhere because she needs to be away for some time for a much needed rest. I wanted to go out and to say goodbye to her but they wouldn't let me because I was sick. I shouted and I cried but they wouldn't let me. The last image I had was of seeing my mother from afar being accompanied outside. Then I woke up.
Today is my mother's tenth death anniversary. I can't believe it has been ten years. I still cannot believe that when I go home for my vacation she will not be there.
My mother died suddenly. She was not bedridden nor was she confined to a hospital. She had some medical problems, but just a month before her death, we were together for my brother's diaconal ordination.
In fact, the memories I have of my mother will always be that of a smiling woman, friendly, outgoing, always willing to lend a helping hand, forgiving and never keeping grudges. Her patience was really admirable.
I miss my mother so much. I am sure that just by being with her, I would be re-charged and renewed, in order to see life with optimism, to look at people with compassion, to deal with everyday mistakes with humility, and to have a great trust in God.
Somehow, I know that she is still with me. After all, a part of her is in me.
Thank you, nanay. I miss you. From heaven, continue to bless our family and fill our hearts with joy.

It is the heart that sees

2011-04-25T09:14:00.004+02:00

The Gospel according to Matthew talks of the women who went to the tomb in the dead of the night. It was as if, for them, the death of Jesus did not cut the ties that bound them to Him. For indeed, what is the sense of going to the tomb? They certainly had very exhausting days and the most logical thing to do was to have some rest. But can anybody who has lost a significant part of oneself rest? You may reason out with your mind, but the heart says otherwise, and it is always the heart that wins. Probably this is the reason why we need to mourn, to give time for the heart to say farewell, to let the heart take its own time to say goodbye.
To say farewell to someone who has been an important part of one's life is one of the most difficult things to do because the love in your heart is still present but the object of that love is no more, at least physically. To mourn takes time because it follows no program. It has no timetable.
I admire those women-followers of Jesus who did not choose to take a short cut, but who, instead, faced their pain. It takes a lot of courage and honesty. And they were rewarded. They managed to see the life that was bursting forth.
Why is it that in other parts of the Gospels, the apostles and the disciples saw Jesus but they did not recognize Him; instead, these women, when they suddenly met Jesus, "came to him, took hold of his feet, and worshipped him." They recognized Him.
Indeed, it is true, "only the heart sees what is essential that is invisible to the eye."
And so I respect the time that my heart needs to mourn, but I will not forget that it is not sorrow nor death that has the last word.
This is the message of Easter. Sorrow is a necessary part of life; but it is love that has the last word.
I will remember Blessed Teresa of Cacutta's words:
Remember that the passion of Christ ends always in the joy of the Resurrection.
So when you feel in your own heart the suffering of Christ,
remember the resurrection has to come, the joy of Easter has to dawn.
Never let anything so fill you with sorrow
as to make you forget the joy of the Risen Christ!

In patience, Jesus shows strength

2011-04-23T15:28:00.004+02:00

Yesterday, we followed on television the Pope's annual Via Crucis. The commentary this year was very profound and touches life. Or it could be that I am in a very sensitive and pensive state at the moment. The brief introduction for the 7th Station "Jesus falls the second time" struck me: Gesù non dimostra potenza, ma insegna pazienza (Jesus does not show power, but teaches patience).
As I followed that Way of the Cross, it has struck me more and more that Jesus has really assumed everything that is human. We can say that in Jesus we see everything that is truly human, yes, everything, even those we would want to do away with in our lives: mistakes, failures, incomprehension, misjudgment, rejection, solitude, wounds, sickness, death. Yes, everything except sin.
So I can no longer say that since God cannot suffer, He cannot understand human suffering.
Indeed, God does understand. In the broken and mangled body of Jesus, we see that God has entered into the abyss of human suffering.
The God of Jesus, my God, has His own way of dealing with suffering. It is mindboggling because it defies human logic.
Often, I refuse His way. Often, like a spoiled child, what I want is for Him to take away the pain and to make everything right.
Because I am often fixated on what I want, on what I believe is the logical, the right way, I fail to see that, constantly, especially in moments of suffering, God gives me the greatest gift: HIS PRESENCE.
It is this presence of God that will allow me to be more patient everyday, patient with myself, patient with others, patient with life. It is patience which is the sign of true strength.

Reconciled

2011-04-21T09:18:00.005+02:00

I went to Confession yesterday. Oh, what a wonderful encounter with God. How good Jesus is that He has instituted this sacrament. I am so sorry for those who do not have this privilege. I know that it is God who forgives sins, but through the priest's voice, God gives me the words of His forgiveness and other messages.
For me, the sacrament of Reconciliation is one of Jesus' greatest gifts to His Church. He knows that, human as we are, we understand and experience salvation through the mediation of visible and tangible signs.
The thing that makes Confession sometimes difficult for me is human respect, especially when I know the minister, or when I confess the same sin over and over again, or I confess something shameful (but what sin is not shameful!). But Jesus helps me to overcome this, as I remember that before God I stand stark naked, but He loves me just the same. I have nothing to boast of before God. Whatever good I do, I am able to because of Him. Whenever I sin, He is willing to forgive me "seventy times seven". I just have to trust more and more in the love of this marvellous God who defies human logic.
And what graces Jesus gives me through Confession! First of all, I have the certainty that I have been forgiven. I cannot doubt that, after all, I have heard the words of absolution. At the same time, through the priest's words, God gives me an opportune message as I continue my journey of conversion.
Indeed, what a great gift the sacrament of Reconciliation is.

The way of "weakness"

2011-04-01T10:59:00.003+02:00

Christ's way, the way of "weakness", is actually the way of the strong. Only those who are strong can say "Here, with me, stops the violence. I refuse to continue this chain of hurt, so I will not answer back with a cutting remark..." I really think that Christ's way is the only way to true peace.
My many experiences tell me how my seemingly witty remark, articulate and, at the same time, pregnant and cutting with the message it conveys, in the end, left a bitter taste on my mouth. Only I know that. Only I can judge what it is that motivates what I say - is it the truth, or charity, or self-promotion, or vengeance, or a dare?
Hurting people will never make me happy especially if it is only because of our differences in opinion, taste, color or religion. It indicates my "narrow world", and the more I hurt others, the narrower my world becomes.
The way of kindness is the only way to live, or at least to have a life worth living. The problem is, we get very few models of this. Kindness gets very bad press.
I need to fix my eyes on Jesus, the real Strong One, the One who is meek and humble of heart.

A blank checque for Jesus

2011-03-26T13:22:00.005+01:00

Yesterday, the solemnity of the Annunciation, we had a beautiful spiritual reading about Mary as "house". One line stands out to me particularly: "We become what dwells within us".
I remember Jesus' words that it is not what enters a person's mouth that makes one clean or unclean, rather, it is what comes out, because it is from the abundance of the heart that the mouth speaks.
If I allow God to dwell in my heart, He will change me. He will transform my mind, my sentiments, my words, my gestures according to His own style.
Actually I am already immersed in God's presence. As Saint Patrick's Breastplate Prayer says: "Christ be with me, Christ within me, Christ behind me, Christ before me, Christ beside me ... Christ beneath me, Christ above me". The step that I am called to make is to be aware of this Presence. To be aware that He is present is to allow Him to dwell in my heart, since it is in my heart where I store that which I treasure most.
Jesus Christ will transform me. I just need to be docile in His hands.
This docility would require great faith and courage. It's like giving Christ my life as a blank checque.
But so far, Jesus has never failed me. He hasn't made my life easy or successful by worldly standards, but I am still sane and capable of kindness. And I think that says a lot.

A place at His right

2011-03-23T18:09:00.004+01:00

Today's Gospel is about the mother of James and John asking Jesus to give them the places at his right and his left in the Kingdom. I've always understood this text as a call to humility, that the real disciple of Christ doesn't seek an exalted place, because following Jesus is already reward in itself.
Today some other thought struck me. The right and the left places beside Jesus speak to me of security. After all, being beside God is the most secure place, isn't it?
In my life, I have always sought the safe place. I have never been a risk-taker. Weighing the pros and cons of things comes to me spontaneously. I guess many people are like me, too. I try to build a world, my own nook, with the people I like, with the things I would need, with manageable problems. When something happens that calls me to re-think this "ordered world", or when I find this world turned upside-down, I panic. Then I try to re-order it again, to put it back the way it was. But it is not possible.
Then I pray to Jesus to give me a little break, to put back a semblance of normality to my shattered world.
But in reality, this secure place, this place of perfect harmony where everything is in place, doesn't exist. All of life is a journey. All of life is about change. Nothing is ever the same. The paradise of today could be tomorrow's hell.
This is probably the reason why we should strive, instead, to store up for ourselves treasure in heaven. There is only one true treasure: Jesus.
It is easy to say but it is a lifetime journey to arrive at a conscious decision of really counting everything as rubbish, in order to have Jesus. But the journey begins now ...

Living my today to the full

2011-03-22T09:45:00.004+01:00

Life is full of suprises. There are moments when I hear a dark voice telling me to regret something of the past, that "if only" refrain.
Well, I cannot change the past anymore. I can, however, honor it by learning the lessons it wants to teach me.
But I have my today to live to the full. This is the only moment I have in my hands.
It is useless to daydream about tomorrow.
I will focus on the present moment.
I will not expect anything.
I will be grateful.
I will love.

To forgive

2011-03-18T18:21:00.001+01:00

To forgive is to do yourself a favour.
To forgive is to set yourself free, free to smell the flowers, free to listen to the birds.
To forgive is to unburden yourself of baggages that make your journey tedious and prevent you from soaring high.

God provides

2011-03-17T20:48:00.004+01:00

I woke up early so I went to take a walk in the garden. It was wet since it has been raining these past days. However, the skies have cleared a little and there was a ray of sunlight, so it might be a little bit clearer today.
I love the silence. I felt like I was walking in a mysterious but friendly world, a world that was holding a beautiful surprise for me.
Then I felt a tug in my heart - seeing and feeling that stillness, the whole thing bathed by the rain. It was like a promise of something new. A line from a John Denver song came to my mind: "Let the rain wash away all my sorrow. Today is the day when my life starts all over again." And so I said a silent prayer that, indeed, God send His rain to wash away the guilt, the sadness, the pain, the insecurities, the anger, the disappointments- whatever they be that poison my heart and rob me of freedom.
Then I heard the birds singing, and I saw the bent but dignified flowers of the field, and the barren trees that have surrendered all their leaves. I remembered Jesus words: "If God takes care of them, how will He not take care of you?"
I know that when morning comes, those flowers will bloom again. When spring comes, those barren trees will fill the world with green. Nature speaks to me of life after death.
Yes, God provides.

Everything for love

2011-03-16T09:10:00.003+01:00

As I was doing my centering prayer this morning, a wonderful inspiration came upon me, "Bing, do everything for love".
Yes, everything for love: a small act when nobody is there to notice it; a smile to someone who doesn't smile back; the menial, routine and often unappreciated work.
Yes, everything for love.
And perhaps it is even better when no one sees or notices it.
Is this a sort of victim-complex? No, rather, I think that it is purifying. It purifies my love because, then, it is no longer dependent on what or how I feel, which is, largely, dependent on human approval.
It is liberating.
And what could be a better reward than freedom?

In the desert

2011-03-10T17:44:00.003+01:00

With the Spirit's help, I would really like to live this Lenten season "in the desert", bereft of my securities. I read somewhere that the desert is the place of the essentials.
With the passing of the years, my life has become complicated: so many knots, so many gray areas, so many rationalizations. Sometimes it is hard for me to see and to recognize my own values and convictions.

What or who do I hold dearest in my life?
I know that I have made a lot of decisions, big and small, that were dictated by convenience and utility - because I wanted to fit in, because that was expected of me, because I did not want to offend, because I just wanted to end the discussion, because I did not want to get hurt, etc., etc.

What are the securities that I have accumulated?
My experience of these past two years has made me realize that these so-called securities are false. Indeed, they make me feel more insecure because I hold on and I cling to them so desperately, and so I lose my freedom and spontaneity.

So, welcome to this 40-day desert experience. I know that by myself, I cannot do it.

The desert is not some exotic place we see in postcards. It is a place of hostile forces.
When the howling winds of my mistakes haunt me,
When the scorching heat of rejection and judgment is unbearable,
When the cold nights of solitude are just too much,
When the lack of water and other things I used to rely on make me crippled and desperate...
When these temptations call me to turn back, I need a deep Center, Someone who will stay with me through it all, so that I may enter the land of freedom, the Promised Land.

Jesus is that deep Center. He will walk with me through the desert and lead me to freedom.

My first daisies

2011-03-04T18:49:00.002+01:00

A miracle right before my eyes.
In the harshness of winter, behold my potted daisies...
The human spirit is resilient.
It can rise up after a fall,
it can dream again after any failure,
it can choose to be kind despite any negative experience.
When we make our journey with God, this is possible.

May daisies bloom in your heart always.

Pray always

2011-03-03T18:30:00.004+01:00

These days, I have been experiencing a quiet serenity. It is as if there is a "very secure" certainty in my heart that things are going to be better, that happiness is just "a few blocks away".
Should I think this way? Sometimes I tell myself that it is better not to think this way because it might sound as if I am taunting the gods. But on the other hand, I think I owe it to God, to recognize that something is happening. I am very well aware that whatever it is, it is God's grace at work. I wouldn't have arrived at this point if it were only for my own strength and capacities. God never gave up on me. His grace has helped me not to give up on myself.
I do not know how long this "peace" will last, but I make the resolution to pray especially during the good times, so that when times come that I do not feel like praying, or when I am desolate or too tired and hurting to even think of God, my spirit may continue to pray. I really do not know if this makes sense, but it does, for me.

A ray of light

2011-02-21T18:27:00.002+01:00

I had a phone conversation with my sister today. For me, it was heaven-sent, a manifestation of God's tender mercy.
These days I have been thinking of something and it seems like I am just going around in circles. Several times I felt so tired and exhausted. It has even robbed me of spontaneity.
My younger sister, as always the strong one, the frank one who calls things by their name, helped me to look into this maze from another viewpoint, albeit, not an easy one.
My problem hasn't been solved, but I now see it from another light. Indeed, my sister's words have given me hope and courage to make an important decision.
Thank God for sisters.

Crucified

2011-02-17T18:40:00.003+01:00

My profession group chose as its motto "it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me" (cf. Gal 2:20). Beautiful, and indeed, a true programme of life.
I have been a professed nun for almost 19 years already, and I should say, that the road towards that programme isn't exactly what I have bargained for. Of course when we were novices (the immediate years of preparation for profession), we were told about the demands of the religious life, that it is not an easy life, as if any life is easy. To get back to the point, that ideal of dedicating my whole life to Jesus was so overwhelming that "I didn't read thoroughly through the whole contract".
Do I regret making this commitment, and making it for life? Not for a second, despite the fact that life hasn't been smooth, especially these years.
Today, as I was making my monthly retreat, I re-read again this motto of ours, and realized that I've missed the first part: I have been crucified with Christ. That is the pre-requisite to living in Christ. I cannot arrive at saying that it is Christ who lives in me, unless I accept to be crucified with Him.
And this is what I have been experiencing these past months. Despite the sufferings, the misunderstandings, the rejection, the failed projects, I am able to be kind, to reach out, to give a helping hand, to take part in community life, to pray. So I can really say that it is not me but Jesus.
All saints pass through the dark night, the aridity, the persecution and misunderstanding of people, the seeming absence of God, yet they persevered. That is why they are saints.
My problem is, my sufferings are most of all because of my character, my sensibility, or they are consequences of certain choices I've made in the past. It is like, it is I myself who have crucified me. Do I make sense?
But the cross is so very real, and I am there, crucified, immobile, without any capacity to leave it, after all how can I negate my character, my sensibility, or the consequences of my past choices? Yes, I am crucified. It is not a comfortable place. I cannot deny it or spiritualize it because I feel the pain and the suffering in my flesh.
And it is in this crucifixion that I experience the tremendous presence of Jesus, even if many times I do not feel it. I mean, just the fact that I am still sane, I can still function, I can put my thoughts into this blog, well, they are signs of resilience, aren't they?
So, yes, it is not me who does all these. It is Jesus. He lives in me.

Daisies remind me of spring

2011-02-08T16:25:00.004+01:00

I woke up tired this morning. I know I slept well but I felt like going through the whole morning with a distracted mind and a heavy heart.

It could have been caused by a very hectic week, with several deadlines, other pending matters that had to remain pending. In short, those blessed "balls in the air".
And then I felt it again, that "ache", that unexplainable void within. I thought I have already passed that stage; but I guess it never passes. Life and its many circumstances will, at one time or another, make that "ache" resurface.
I prayed and I thought of good and beautiful things. One thing I've learned these past months is that it is God who helps me to survive and get through these moments. So my prayer nowadays is, "Lord, just give me enough strength and joy to live through the suffering".
People may think I am exaggerating when I call this "void" suffering. But, really, it is a suffering. I wouldn't wish anybody to go through it. It is already a suffering for me because I know, in my head, that it is something small compared with the great sufferings of many people in the world. Secondly, it can take away from me all zest for life and attention to the small joys that life brings.
It is here that I rely on the power of Jesus. I do not look at Him as a magician or an opium. Indeed, in all these months of my strong experience that led to this suffering, Jesus did not take it away. I have suffered, and still do sometimes, the pain of rejection, the boredom of routine, the fatigue of community life.
So where does Jesus enter in this story?
He gives meaning to this suffering. His life and His teaching tell me that after the cross there is the resurrection; that unless the seed falls down to the ground and dies it will not bear fruit.
He gives me strength to live through the moment with hope. Praying His Word and receiving Him in the Eucharist give me this strength. I know that He is with me. He is the friend that never fails.

After a few more tries at working in my office, I decided to go out and take a walk. I saw the field covered with daisies. Yes, it's still winter; the daisies reminded me of spring.
In the winter of my heart, Jesus assures me of springtime.

Growing up

2011-02-07T18:29:00.002+01:00

Growing up means listening to people but deciding for myself.
One of the paradoxes of our society is that, despite the greater possibilities of communication, more people intensely feel loneliness and isolation. So we try all the means we can to fit in, to, at least, find a few people whom we can call "friends". So we "shop around" to know people's tastes, their lifestyle, their values or ideologies, their faith. Then we try to pattern our life to theirs.
Of course there are also people who don't listen to the world outside because of stubbornness. This won't do, either. No one is perfect and we can see things better when we are confronted with others.
So where is growth, then?
To grow up means to listen to others because I am not the center of the world. Everything is not about me. But while listening, I decide for myself. I don't take everything hook, line and sinker, just because someone influential says so.
It takes patience because it needs time. I have to let what I hear sink deeper, but without self-recrimination, and trust that the Holy Spirit will help me to discern what is true and necessary in my life.
Change takes time. Real change has to start from within. People may think that nothing is happening because they only see what they see, and they tend to demand immediate results.
But I need to be patient with myself. The journey is long and lonely. I need to experience that Jesus loves me. It is His love that will transform my loneliness into a quiet union with Him in the secret of my heart.

Balls in the air

2011-02-03T11:38:00.004+01:00

These days there are so many "balls in the air", an expression that I use when I find myself faced with so many pending things. By nature, these things tend to make me nervous. I prefer to do things one at a time. I enjoy the feeling of knowing I have finished something, that I have, sort of, "closed one drawer", even if it is something small or barely significant.
The irony is, it is these days that I experience very strongly the power of Jesus Christ. I am witness to so many miracles, big and, most of the time, small in my everyday life. Before I go to bed, I leave everything in the hands of Jesus. When I cannot seem to solve or to finish something, I consciously ask Jesus to take over. After all, I am just His instrument.
And I experience peace and a bit of humour, as I come more and more to the realization that I am not at the center. I am not the saviour of the world. This realization does not make me lazy. Nay, it makes me grateful.
I can do something. God involves me in His work of salvation, it doesn't matter whether what I do is big or small, visible or hardly seen. What is important is the love that God gives me that permeates my whole being, enabling me to give love, albeit an imperfect one.
Yesterday I had a sophia experience. These days I have been working on a little reflection about how we can improve our evangelization in Asia. It wasn't an easy work. I had to spend time and accept the contribution of others in order to, sort of, bring my reflection to maturity. I am happy with what I was able to produce. My boss was very appreciative, too. But the reflection is quite long and it needs to be reduced and the Italian has to be corrected. For a while, I felt protective of my work. It was as if I did not want anybody to touch it because I have worked hard for it. It is my baby.
Then a line from the Litay of Humility came to my mind: That others may be seen and I set aside.
O Jesus, how totally and radically different are your ways from our ways, from our natural sentiments.
Then I realized that I do not need praise. Even if others do not recognize or may never know my work, I am not deprived of anything. Having done something good is a joy in itself. And the learnings and insights I've gained, no one can take them away from me.

Not an opium

2011-01-28T15:12:00.004+01:00

Karl Marx said that "religion is the opium of the people".
I disagree. My faith, my personal relationship with Jesus Christ, which I am re-discovering, thanks to Jesus Christ's grace and mercy, is not an opium.
First of all, I am not numbed to the realities of life. I feel very intensely the pain of a rejection, of unkindness, of doubt, of harshness, of violence and of injustice. On the other hand, I also see the hidden joys, the small acts of love, and the beauty that surrounds me, though I still have to grow some more in this aspect.
Secondly, my relationship with Jesus gives me a perspective that goes beyond myself. After being in touch with my feelings, without any excuses or denials, I go a further step: I tell myself that life is not about myself. I am not the center of the world. Things happen with or without my permission or contribution. This deflates my ego and prevents me from self-recrimination.
Thirdly, Jesus gives me a hope that is certain, that believes that "there is a morning after". It may take time, but even when apparently everything is at a standstill, or even regressing, the voice of hope, faint though it may be, resounds in my heart, assuring me that in the deepest and darkest recesses, the seed is growing. This hope makes patience and joy possible.
Fourthly, Jesus teaches me and enables me to go beyond the eye-for-an-eye adage. It is possible to offer the other cheek, to go the extra mile, to persevere knocking on the door.
Yes, believing in Jesus Christ changes my life. It doesn't become easier. It becomes meaningful.

From within

2011-01-24T19:03:00.004+01:00

There was a period in my life when I have completely lost my self-esteem. I questioned my goodness, my beauty, my creativity, the sense of my life. I've concluded that the only contribution I can give is in manual work. So there was a point when I worked like crazy in cleaning the corridor and the toilet, in keeping things in order and in helping in the kitchen. It was not something that was forced upon me. No, I actually enjoyed doing them, and I still do. The point is, they were, for me, affirmations that I am worth something.
At around the same time I also read somewhere that one of the helps to get back self-esteem is to have an affirmation file. So I started a notebook where I wrote down lines of affirmation I received. This was also of help, and I am amazed at how I am appreciated and loved by many people.
However, I have come to realize that these are just "crutches" that will help me a little to get back to my feet, but they do not really give something deeper and stable on which to re-build my life.
I have to find that strength within me. I know that I have it. It is the presence of Jesus. His love that is faithful and gratuitous is the key to accept myself as imperfect and beautiful, beloved and saved every moment.

The joy of Jesus

2011-01-20T20:22:00.004+01:00

I have come to realize that joy does not happen because everything is perfect. Things will never be perfect in this life, so if I wait for them to be before I expect joy, then I am in for a big and fatal disappointment.
Joy, true joy, comes from Jesus. He freely gives it to us but there is only one way to it, the royal road of the cross. However, Jesus also promised that this joy is lasting, that no one can ever take it away from us.
Early this morning I had a "sophia moment". Deep in my heart I heard the words, "Hide yourself in Jesus".
May I not want to be protagonist; rather, may I be happy when others are seen and I am set aside.
When what I do or who I am is not appreciated, then I should be happier because then, it is truly for God.
May I not have expectations from people; rather, may I always be grateful.

On loving myself

2011-01-10T17:46:00.003+01:00

Coming from a third world and a formerly colonized country, I've always looked up to first world / western countries and their people.

When I was a child, it was always a treat for us when relatives from abroad, especially from the US, came bringing stuff from these countries.
On the other hand, being born and having grown up in the city, I "felt" a certain superiority over my relatives living in the province. It wasn't really something conscious on my part. It was part of life and custom then.
I guess, in a way, it has influenced my way of looking at myself and my attitudes and behavior. To people who were "superior" to me, I was with a certain deference; while to those who were "inferior", I exhibited a certain haughtiness or snobbishness, or I tended to be patronizing.
I am called to conversion in this area.
First, I have to let the truth, which I believe in, that "we are all equal; we are all beloved children of the Father", to sink from my head to my heart, so that it would penetrate my whole being and change my behavior.
Second, I need to allow God to love me. I need to bask in this unconditional love that is freely given to me. I think, despite the many moments I've spent in reflection and in prayer, I haven't really believed in this truth. It will take time since my mind, my whole way of looking at the world, have been influenced by the world's idea that "everything has to be earned". Believing in God's unconditional and freely offered love is my only salvation. This is what will liberate me from the tendency to be a people-pleaser, from letting myself be at the mercy of people and of events, from unjustly expecting that people and events dance to my tune so that I will be okay.
Third, I have to realistically accept myself. I am a good person; yet, I am still a person-becoming. I have the tendency to avoid conflict because I've always believed that it is very difficult to repair something already broken. This leads me, unconsciously, to "buy people" or to "hide my own feelings and opinion".
But in life, conflict is inevitable. It could even be a doorway to growth.
A little humor will certainly be helpful in this area. My life is not a telenovela. There are lousy days, and they are part of life, so I need not exaggerate about them.
In relation to this, as a first concrete step, I have changed my desktop with a lighter-color-motif. Maybe it is also time to change my blog theme. Let's see.
Hope is beckoning me.

Marks

2011-01-05T10:32:00.004+01:00

I am not a writer. In fact, the highest I could reach in this department was as Campusiana editor of our paper way back in high school. It wasn't really a serious column, just a corner where you found jokes, puzzles, light gossip, etc. In fact, the name of my column was "Chatterbox". Got the point?
But once in a while I do get flashes of inspiration, which a favorite author of mine calls "Sophia moments". Well, when I do get "possessed" by my Sophia moment, I just write and write and write. It seems like the pen has a life of its own that neither my hands nor my brain can cope with. I cannot even check the grammar (I do that later) and my right hand feels numb and tired because of the haste. So my handwriting is undecipherable and heavy. Yes, it is so heavy that the following five pages still bear the marks of what I've written down. When I touch these pages, it is like reading braille.
In a way, life is like that. The pages ahead of me may look blank, but they are not. My future bears some marks, leftovers or ghosts of my past.
As we begin this new year, we are exhorted to leave the past behind, turn on a new leaf and start anew. Well, they do sound good and offer much hope, but they are not very realistic.
The pages ahead in the book of my life are not blank. But it doesn't mean that I cannot write down anything. Yes, I can and I am called to turn the page, but aware of the baggage that I carry. I will not let the baggage prevent me from filling up a new page, from writing a new story. The baggage will help me to understand why my story has to take another twist, or why it seems to wander in another direction.
Yes, these marks will remind me that my stories are part of a bigger story. But there is an eternal hope in my heart that despite the twists and turns, my story has a happy ending.

A new year blessing

2011-01-03T18:04:00.003+01:00

A friend of mine texted me a beautiful blessing for the new year. I do not know if it is something original. I find it very simple but deep. I shared it with other friends and one added another line.
Now it really sounds like a Hallmark greeting.
How wonderful it is to know that despite our differences, in many ways we are connected in our dreams and desires.
Here is the blessing...

May all your sunrises in 2011 be glorious and bright,
and all your sunsets be filled with fulfillment and delight,
and thanksgiving, peace and hope hum you to sleep at night.

Thank you, Jesus

2011-01-01T21:06:00.003+01:00

Thank you, Lord, for the good times. They fill my heart with joy.
Thank you, Lord, for the bad times. They make me discover my inner treasures.
Thank you, Lord, for your quiet Presence that permeates my every day.
Thank you, my Everyday Compassion.

Searching for God's face

2010-12-31T23:24:00.002+01:00

When I started this blog two years ago, I did it as a sort of experiment, to try my hand on this new technology. I had my own reservations as to writing down my deepest thoughts and experiences and sharing them online, so I opted to use a pseudonym. I even had a hard time looking for a title for this blog.
Looking back, I can see that everything has been a blessing. The title, "Everyday Compassion" is how I want to describe God. He is a God of the ordinary. He is a God who is with me in the monotony of daily life, in the exciting adventures, in my little victories and in my failures. As I read through the postings I've made these past two years, indeed, the face of God as "Everyday Compassion" emerges.
I wouldn't have arrived at this point if He hadn't stayed on patiently with me. God's greatest gift to me is not His magically resolving my problems or getting me out of my difficulties. His greatest gift is His choice to stay with me, in good and in bad times. He is truly Emmanuel, God-with-us.

The quiet joy that Jesus gives

2010-12-31T11:31:00.005+01:00

Wow, 2010 is almost over! It hasn't exactly been an easy year. Once in a while I still feel that biting ache in my heart. Will it be there forever, haunting my life from time to time? A favorite author of mine says yes, because that is the human person's unending search for God.
However, I believe that I am making progress. I am moving forward. Even the physical signs of tiredness, insomnia, excessive weight loss and melancholy have greatly diminished.
But I still have to continue each day - to try my best to approach life and circumstances with more hope. May I always remember that Jesus has won, and is always giving me the joy that no one can take away.
I've always thought that joy and sorrow can never co-exist. But more and more I realize that it is sorrow that exposes mirth for what it is, superficial and transitory. It is not joy.
Joy is quiet. Joy is pure. Joy lasts because it doesn't depend on people, things and circumstances.
Only Jesus gives me this joy and He has promised that no one can take it away.

Christmas without Christ

2010-12-30T10:37:00.006+01:00

These days I am treating myself to viewing feel-good Christmas movies. They really make me feel good, albeit a little bit nostalgic, with their message of family, love, forgiveness, faith. They almost succeed in selling the idea that miracles still do happen.
I have a problem, though. In almost all of these movies, the protagonist that personifies the Christmas spirit is ... Santa Claus. Well, he isn't really a bad guy. He loves kids, gives gifts to the good ones. He is jolly and kind. He wants to make people happy. He seems to embody everything that is ideal so that there would be harmony, joy and love.
But in reality, this is not really something originally Santa Claus'.
It is Jesus Christ who embodies these ideals.
Before Jesus came, the best the human race could come up with, in terms of governing relationships is the eye-for-an-eye-rule.
But Jesus, through His life and His teachings, has showed us that we can go beyond that. We can go the extra mile, we can turn the other cheek, we can love our enemies and pray for those who hate us. And it is this which makes harmony, joy and love possible.
So, move aside, Santa dear. Let us make way for Jesus. Let us put back Christ in Christmas. With Christ in our lives, everyday can be Christmas.

Happy birthday, Jesus

2010-12-24T21:10:00.003+01:00

When You came to this world more than 2000 years ago, very few people welcomed You.
This Christmas day and always, may You find a home in my heart and in the hearts of my family, friends and loved ones.
Happy birthday, Jesus. Thank you for loving me.

The Gift

2010-12-21T20:27:00.003+01:00

Christmas is a season of gifts.

We spend a lot of time thinking of gifts, saving for them, looking for them, buying or preparing them, wrapping them. For a lot of people, even the wrapping of gifts is a big enterprise.

But we also like, nay, we enjoy a lot receiving gifts, not the promotional ones coming from anonymous people and companies, but gifts from people we know, people who matter most in our lives.

So Christmas is like a season of anticipating and savouring gifts.

I hope we don't forget that these gifts are mere trifles when compared with The Gift: Jesus, the babe in Bethlehem who is God-made-flesh.

Beautifully wrapped gifts have a way of attracting our attention, as we anticipate what is inside.

When The Gift came, more than 2,000 years ago, He did not cause any fanfare, no promotional blitz, no blinking lights, no colourful packaging. He was born in a manger, wrapped in swaddling clothes, in the company of Mary, Joseph and some shepherds. In the quiet of the night, The Gift came welcomed by the poorest.

It is a very meaningful message. Jesus is The Gift for everybody. With the coming of Jesus, no person can ever be poor as to possess nothing. We have the greatest Gift and He freely comes to each one of us.

Will I receive Him, will I see in this poor and simple babe My Saviour, My Greatest Gift and Treasure?

I wish you a happy Christmas. May you be filled with peace as you receive in your heart and in your life the Prince of Peace.

Georgina's gentle heart

2010-12-15T20:52:00.005+01:00

"Keep clinging to the Rock! Fear not my loving friend and try to smile outwardly even when your gentle heart is breaking."
This line comes from one of Sr. Georgina's last email messages to me. Early this year, she got really sick and she now lives in a nursing home. She is undergoing therapy and, little by little, she has started to walk again.
Yesterday I got a surprise call from Sr. Anne, another Sister from her community. Sr. Georgina asked her to give me a ring and to give me her love.
I cried. This Sister, who has been sick for a long time, and who is taking slow and painful steps to get back on her feet again, this Sister has thought, nay, is thinking about me.
Dear, good Sr. Georgina, it is not I who have a gentle heart. It is you who have it. You have been with me in the most difficult moments of my life. You have kept watch with me as I contemplated, in my own life, the mystery of the cross - when my mother died, when I left my country to live in a foreign land, when my sister left the Institute, when I struggled with a very painful experience of rejection, and now as I live in my flesh the solitude of midlife transitions.
For me Sr. Georgina is like a lighthouse, an assurance, especially in a tempest, to keep rowing or to keep swimming because there is dry land.
Thank you, Sr. Georgina, for being an expression of God's tender mercies. Thank you for sharing with me your good and gentle heart.

PS. By the way she ended her message with these words "Sr. Georgina friend forever through thick and thin."

Community life, our furnace

2010-12-10T09:42:00.005+01:00

Life in community does not keep the darkness away. To the contrary. It seems that the light that attracted me to L'Arche also made me conscious of the darkness in myself. Jealousy, anger, the feeling of being rejected or neglected, the sense of not truly belonging - all of these emerged in the context of a community striving for a life of forgiveness, reconciliation, and healing. Community life has opened me up to the real spiritual combat: the struggle to keep moving toward the light precisely when the darkness is so real.
As long as I lived by myself, it seemed rather easy to keep the elder son hidden from view. But the sharing of life with people who are not hiding their feelings soon confronted me with the elder son within. There is little romanticism to community life. There is the constant need to keep stepping out of the engulfing darkness onto the platform of the father's embrace.

From "The Return of the Prodigal Son" by Henri Nouwen

Mary

2010-12-08T17:20:00.001+01:00

Today is the feast of the Immaculate Conception. We, Catholics, believe that Mary, in the first instance of her conception, by a singular privilege and grace granted by God, in view of the merits of Jesus Christ, the Saviour of the human race, was preserved free from all stain of original sin.

Too much focus has been placed on this singular privilege granted to Mary that, perhaps, I have failed to see what is the Immaculate Conception's message for me.

In Mary, I find the heights to which a person can arrive when she/he allows her/himself to be totally loved by God. It is God who has loved us first. This loving God does not make our life easy, but if we just follow Him our lives acquire meaning.

Many of us have been formed in a moralistic faith that puts the focus on our efforts to do good, to make sacrifices in order to be pleasing to God. In reality, it is God who has reached out to us first, who has sacrificed Himself for us. When I contemplate the person of Jesus, I see not a vindictive or a "law enforcer" God, but a God who delights in the company of sinners, who rejoices when the one lost sheep is found.

Mary is not a statue we pray to when we don't have any other options. She is a living presence who continues to show us the way, to encourage us that the only way to happiness is to live our lives with God. Only God can give us the fullness of life, the home and the love that all of us have a nostalgia for.

A tie that binds

2010-12-08T16:30:00.005+01:00

There are certain moments in life when an experience just overwhelms you. It involves your whole being in a very deep way that your mind fails to describe it and, much more, to understand it. Words are scarce, yet the experience is very real, touching your inmost being.
I have come across a reflection of Joyce Rupp in a book entitled "Praying our Goodbyes". It is a very clear description of what I am going through, what I have been going through these past months. It is as if I have finally found the words to describe to myself this experience.
It is like taking another step forward. One other realization I had is that, I am not alone. Many other men and women have walked and are walking the same path.
I pray for these people who, with tear-stained faces, soiled hands and bruised feet, still try to go through the journey. They are my kindred spirits.

Healing

2010-12-04T18:12:00.001+01:00

Lord, I know that Your love is healing.

He will wipe away the tears

2010-12-01T17:39:00.004+01:00

"On this mountain the Lord of hosts will provide for all peoples a feast of rich food and choice wines, juicy, rich food and pure, choice wines. On this mountain he will destroy the veil that veils all peoples, the web that is woven over all nations; he will destroy death forever. The Lord God will wipe away the tears from all faces." Isaiah 25:6-8

For me, this is the Bible's most tender description of God. How often this image has given me comfort especially in my most difficult moments.
I see a God who leaves aside His other concerns, and for that moment only has me as His concern.
I see a God whose full and undivided attention is focused on me.
I see a God whose right hand caresses my tear-stained face, while his left hand holds me close to His heart, stroking my head and my back until my sobs fade away.
This image of God gives me a lot of comfort. It doesn't take away my problem. It doesn't solve my issue.
But it gives me a renewed strength and self-confidence. I am not alone in the struggle. Despite any mess I may have been through or I may have created, I can always go home to Someone who loves me unconditionally. He believes in me and this faith makes me believe that no matter how long the journey, I will find again the song in my heart.

"Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning." Psalm 30:5

Advent is waiting

2010-11-30T18:18:00.004+01:00

We are in the Advent season. It is the four-week preparation for Christmas.

I have made a resolution for this Advent. I am not going to play any Christmas song. I will let Advent be Advent, a period of waiting, a period of longing. I hope that as the days advance, the longing for Jesus will be more intense.

I know that in the coming days I will be bombarded by Christmas songs, Christmas lights and decorations, parties here and there, Christmas greetings to send, gifts to pack, etc.

In many ways, instead of preparing us for Christmas, these things make us tired and, at times, exhausted, to really celebrate Christmas when it comes.

This year, I will not rush Christmas. I will let Advent be Advent. I will watch and pray. I will wait. It is not easy. Our society is quite allergic to waiting. Everywhere quality is measured when waiting time is lessened or totally cancelled.

But it is in waiting that we come to discover and fortify the strength that is already within us. Waiting purifies us. Waiting makes us see what it is that really matters in our lives.

Waiting requires discipline. But more than discipline, waiting needs a soul in order to persevere.

We wait in hope even when the waiting is long.

We wait in faith because we believe that God is true to His word.

We wait in love because God has loved us first.

Advent is waiting in hope, faith and love.

In front of life

2010-11-29T20:33:00.006+01:00

Life is too short to bear ill will against anybody.
And even more than this very practical reason, we have as model God's love. It is for all. It doesn't discriminate.
It is totally gratuitous. It doesn't depend on whether we are good or bad, or on whether we accept it or not.
If I will just look at life and at my experiences from this perspective, my attitude will change.
I'll learn to be more grateful, without clinging on the good that happens in my life.
I'll be more trusting and forgiving, believing that each person tries his/her best, that we do not really mean to hurt each other.
I'll be more joyful. I, with my limitations, am not in control. There is a loving Power in whose hands my life and my history rest. I will not be afraid because He has the last word, and it is "mercy".

Life after "death"

2010-11-22T18:29:00.004+01:00

Do we ever get used to saying goodbye? Or should we? I think no. Saying goodbye helps us to experience the depths of our human condition. It leads us to a much deeper understanding of what it means to live life in its mystery and its wholeness. We ought not to be afraid of the partings that life asks of us. Nor ought we to hold back in giving ourselves fully to love, to the wonderful growth opportunities of investing ourselves in people and events.
We may be harshly bruised by life's farewells, but it is possible to be healed. We can become whole again. I believe that if we are willing to move inside the heart of the experience, to live patiently through the process even as we acknowledge the difficult, painful emotions, that we can experience the wonder of spiritual growth and the marvel of new depths of faith in our relationship with God and with others.
Goodbyes will always be with us. So will hellos. Praying a goodbye can bring us to the doorway of new beginnings. The seed of resurrection in our souls will grow again.

From the book "Praying our Goodbyes" by Joyce Rupp

God provides

2010-11-20T21:39:00.004+01:00

Today is a miracle day!
I woke up very early because I had to catch an early train for an out of town meeting. I wanted to participate at the 6:30 am Mass before my departure. I did that. The trip was very calm and I managed to pray and make my meditation along the way. At around 8:15 I arrived at the place of the meeting and, surprise, another Mass was going on. So I had my second Mass. Then I had a fast but very good breakfast, chatting with some people I know.
The morning was full but very interesting. The group is preparing itself for the World Youth Day next year in Madrid. The invited guests answered very well and very profoundly the questions asked them. During our short break, I managed to catch up with some of the people I know.
Then it was time for lunch, and it was good and in a very cheerful atmosphere, despite the fact that I don't know many of the people present.
Unfortunately I had to leave right after lunch for a community commitment. I took the train once again and met a Filipina lady working in that zone. We were together on the train all the way to Rome. We had a good chat and she told me her story. I was edified by her strength and kindness. She has suffered a lot in life but she exudes a quiet and cheerful goodness. I was actually planning to take a nap during the trip back to Rome, but somehow with this lady, my plan was changed.
When I arrived home, I learned, thanks to a good friend, that prayer time was changed, and all the while I thought I could do a little work before prayer time. So I went to the chapel to pray vespers with the community. Then we had practice for our short program tomorrow. I was resigned to having to stay up to do two things I have to finish. But, surprise again, we finished our practice, I got to do the two things I needed to finish and I even had a little time for my private prayer.
So what is so miraculous about this day? First of all, I started it with a little pessimism, that feeling that bugs your heart when you feel that you have no choice and you just have to do things. Second, because I am finishing the day tired but with a very light and joyful heart. Third, because I am going to bed early.
I had an extra full day, not through any fault of mine. I lifted it up to the Lord and He provided. He is never outdone in generosity.

From the other side

2010-11-17T17:47:00.005+01:00

I had lunch with two Sisters yesterday, one of whom is a very wise person. One of the topics of our conversation was the presence of some Sisters who are so attentive that their actions tend to exasperate the objects of their attention. She said that she believes that most of them really do what they do with goodness of heart. However, it is the exaggeration that tends to suffocate and turn people off.
Then we talked about her family and how, being the youngest, she had too much attention from everybody, that until now, during their family gatherings, she has to remind them that she is already a grown-up lady. It could be one reason why she detests this exaggerated attention.
I told her that I am grateful for this sharing. It enabled me to look at myself from another perspective. You see, I am one who tends to exaggerate. Being the eldest in the family, I had certain responsibilities. Perhaps, in many ways, I have conformed my way of thinking, speaking, behaving and doing things, to what is expected of an eldest. Being the eldest is one of the major factors that have influenced the shaping of my personality.
I am not making a judgment here. I just got this insight from this sharing of my Sister. I suddenly got a view of myself from the other side. Yes, it is possible that what I consider as small gestures of affection through which I want to show my love concretely, could be suffocating, controlling and smothering.
It is really important to listen and to take a step back. It is necessary to try, as much as possible, to be clear about my motivations. Others are entitled to their own interpretation and judgment. I should try to enter into dialogue, if possible, to arrive at the best possible clarification.
It is not an easy process. It necessitates great humility to see myself with sincerity, according to what is deep in my heart. It requires courage to look in the face and accept the mistakes, the subterfuges, the judgments. It asks me to have great hope that I am always in the making. I try, I fail, I try again.
This is a lifelong process.

Persevere

2010-11-13T18:20:00.004+01:00

This seems to be God's message for me. Yesterday evening I did a little reading before going to sleep. Mother Anna Maria Canopi responded to an interview about "love, poverty and sobriety". She said that we should continue to love even if it is unreciprocated. In fact, we should love all the more because in being treated with indifference, in being rejected or even persecuted, we all the more resemble Jesus.
The second reading of the Office of Readings also speak about perseverance, not to get tired in doing what I have to do, not to grow weary in asking. If God immediately gives us consolations, we lose the opportunity to show love and hope.
The Gospel reading is the parable of the insistent widow and the corrupt judge. In the end she obtains what she was asking for because of her perseverance.
So why then do I persevere? It could be for many reasons: to "twist the other's arm" so that I finally obtain what I am asking; to express the hope that is in me; to show a patient and unconditional love; to conform myself more and more unto Christ.
I would never arrive at a perfectly pure motivation. There is always the personal element that plays a part (sometimes quite a big part) in my choices. But with awareness and a few tears here and there, slowly, through God's great love and mercy I persevere.

Fragile

2010-11-13T15:47:00.004+01:00

Some issues in my life have reached a certain level of resolution. I cannot say that they are "resolved" according to how I would prefer resolution to be. Polly's ideals have been shattered. My experiences have opened my eyes to the fact that life is on the move. I cannot freeze time. I cannot frame an experience. Things will not be and will never be the same again.
There are times when I am tempted to go to the roots of things and try to understand and look for answers and explanations, but all I get are "maybe's". There are so many maybe's. I know, deep in my heart, that I would never know the answer.
And come to think of it, if I knew the answer, would it undo the situation, or ease the suffering?
So I live through this mystery; indeed, I live in this mystery.
I have simplified my goal. I no longer aim to solve or to resolve it. Mysteries are not solved. But everyday I can let an aspect of this mystery illumine my life: my attitudes, my choices, my values, my treasures.
I feel a certain level of peace, but it is very fragile. Maybe it will always be so, and it is better this way. It reminds me of my creatureliness in need of a great God.
"We hold this treasure in earthen vessels, that the surpassing power may be of God and not from us. We are afflicted in every way, but not constrained; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed." (2 Cor 4:7-9)

The miracle

2010-11-08T16:44:00.005+01:00

It is the power of God that empowers me. It is the wisdom of God that indicates to me the way, though it be a lonely road. It is the peace of God that enables me to live through each moment, especially the lonely and painful ones, without despairing. It is the patience and the kindness of God that gives me the strength to graciously deal with difficult people and circumstances.
All throughout this long, difficult and enlightening experience, I have realized that I need to face my experience straight in the eye, to give it the attention that it deserves, to shed tears if need be, to admit my mistakes and my impure motivations. It is okay to ask "why" it happened, but this shouldn't be the last question.
In every experience, God speaks. In the most hurting experiences, He speaks louder. What lessons does this experience teach me? What direction will my life take after this?
And throughout this whole process, I recognize and I entrust myself to a Power that is far greater than me. This Power loves me. This Power is a Father, my Heavenly Father who created me out of love and who, daily, moment by moment, sustains me with His love.
I am not a lost soul condemned to forever go around begging for a little affection. I am a Daughter, a beloved daughter, and in the Father I have all the love that I need. I just have to see this miracle that happens every day of my life.

God is our peace

2010-11-04T14:50:00.004+01:00

God does not provide us with answers; rather, He indicates the way. We are not puppets in God's hands. He has gifted us with intellect and freedom. We glorify Him and we recognize our dignity when we use them correctly.
No matter how much we try, we do not always achieve the best results according to our criteria or expectations. We are not an island and our choices and their consequences are intertwined with other people's. Interdependence is a natural law of life.
So nobody really goes through life with unsoiled hands or with eyes unstained by tears. Our hearts get wounded, and for a time we may be paralyzed by the terror of making another mistake. But every person has an innate resilience. The moment comes when you just feel the need to get up and move on. Your heart will just tell you that you cannot live without taking a risk; that life is a trial-and-error; that the greatest mistake you can make is not to want to commit a mistake.
This realization does not come from our own efforts. Indeed, I have experienced that the more I tried to understand, the more I plunged myself into the darkness of self-pity, of suspicion, of hurt. This does not mean that we do not have to try to understand our experiences, or just to go through life superficially. No, instead, it means that we recognize that there is a power beyond us - God. He gives us peace to live through the most hurting experiences with trust and hope. He is the voice within that tells us that it is time to move on.

The unnecessary word

2010-10-25T11:59:00.005+02:00

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. (Ephesians 4:29)

I often think how much pain we could spare one another if only we learn to control our tongue. But more than the tongue, it is the heart that we must control, for it is from the abundance of the heart that the mouth speaks. Once in a while I catch myself saying so many unnecessary things. Often, they make people laugh because they seem so sharp and witty; but more often they leave a bad taste, at least when I think deeply about it. I cannot fool myself; so it is only I who know whether a comment I've uttered had a deeper meaning.
This leads me to think that if only I think more positively of people, my speech would be much different; maybe I wouldn't talk too much. This might make me boring in the eyes of people. I might lose friends and fans. I might look stupid in the eyes of people. Can I handle it?
It takes discipline and practice. But first it should start with the conviction that I am loved. I am God's Beloved, so I do not need anybody else's affirmation to make me feel secure. Wow, it's a tall order. After all, I cannot always hear God's voice affirming me, or His embrace giving me security. But if I just learn to read my life I will certainly see the presence of God permeating my life story.
Being God's Beloved is a free gift. I did not do anything to merit it. God gives it to me free of charge and there is nothing I can do to change that, not even if I refuse to accept Him. The gift will always be there for me.
But God loves not only me. He loves all His creatures. We are all His sons and daughters. No one is loved more; no one is loved less. We are loved according to our needs. God's heart is too big that it has room for everybody.
If God loves my brother and sister, how can I speak ill of them?
If there is no rancour, prejudice or envy in my heart, no unnecessary word will come out of my mouth.

Discernment

2010-10-22T16:32:00.003+02:00

No matter how hard we try, we will never be one hundred percent sure of our decisions. But we have to make them. That is why discernment is necessary.
To discern is to wait, to pray, to read through events, to let go of fears and prejudices, to purify oneself from selfish agenda ...
After much prayer and reflection, at the end of the period of discernment, you don't hear a voice or see a writing on the wall that says "this is the course of action you must follow".
So you are left with trust, that after this discernment, regardless of whether your decision turns out right or wrong, since you have tried to arrive at it in truth with openness, sincerity and courage, God, who has always been with you will not leave you alone.

Goodbye

2010-10-15T12:23:00.003+02:00

No matter how hard we try, some good things never last.

One of my best friends left for good our community. I have prepared myself for this leavetaking, but still I feel the pain. More and more I come to terms with the temporariness of everything. We get to know people, with more or less difficulties, we build relationships, dare to trust and to love, then it is time to let go. Is it then worth it to build deep friendships?

It is really a question for me and I am almost tempted to take the easy way out. Knowing myself, I know that I wouldn’t do that. I would always risk to love. I hope it is not only because of my type of personality or temperament, but because of a deep conviction that love is the essence of being a human person, created in the image and likeness of God. But I hope that my love becomes purer each day, freely received and freely given. I hope I don’t use “love” to assuage the “ache” within which only God can fill. In short, I hope I don’t love people for my own selfish reasons. It is not going to be easy. I would need to be very truthful to myself and have the courage to face aloneness.

I thank my friend for these years that we have been together. She has really been a good friend, very patient in listening to me, even to my “crazy” ruminations. She has been a good model of a religious in her coherence and passion for the mission.

Goodbye, my friend, go with God.

On being poor

2010-10-14T11:24:00.004+02:00

In our poverty, we can generate life and re-awaken hope. We can make God's passage perceived on our streets, a God who transforms our heart and makes it humble, joyful, and confident. (Sr. Yvonne Reungoat, FMA)

As a young Sister, I have worked for many years with streetchildren and their families. It was not easy to work with them because I have come to see that poverty has so many ramifications and they are all inter-related: material, cultural, economic, spiritual, etc.
But I will never forget three things I have learned from them. In their poverty, in the lack of even the most basic necessities, they have taught me:
to know how to wait. It is not always easy to wait. Just a little space of inactivity seems to be a waste of time or an unbearable silence. But many things take time, and it is important, rather, imperative, to learn how to wait, and to believe that it is not an empty space. Something is happening in the depths. Trees take time to build strong roots. We don't see them on the surface but when a strong tempest comes, we know if they are present.
to be grateful. Those who have hardly anything are grateful for the little they have to get through the day. They don't lay claims on anything. That is not their priority. What is important for them is to survive just for the moment, just for the day; and if they do so, they are already happy and grateful.
to share what I receive. This is something that has really edified me. Even the toughest streetkid that I have met always thought about the brothers/sisters/parents left at home who did not have anything.
I don't condone poverty and misery as such because I believe that each person has a right to a dignified existence. But, come to think of it, poverty teaches us these lessons.
I am not living a hand-to-mouth existence but I do experience poverty everyday, when I come to terms with my limitations, with the reality that many things don't depend on me, that as much as I try to do my best, it doesn't guarantee that things, persons and situations will turn out well or be good to me.
As I come to terms with my poverty, I realize how much I need God. He is the Peace that will enable me to accept my poverty.
It is a journey. I haven't arrived yet, but each moment, each day is a call to move on.

Everything is gift

2010-10-13T18:00:00.003+02:00

"But things slowly change. Ulcers heal, the scars disappear; first the physical ones, and later, much more slowly, the emotional ones. You feel strength again and old friends and old circles begin to open up again.
Health returns but it is different. Some of the old self-confidence is gone, replaced by a new sense of vulnerability and relativity that is immensely freeing.
You realize more clearly what is gift and what is earned. You know that you, on your own, cannot guarantee your own health, nor your attractiveness and desirability in love and friendship.
Stripped naked, weakened, and greatly humbled, you stop fighting, first because you are defeated, but later, when strength and resources return, because you realize that there is no reason to fight.
Life, health, love, it is all pure gift! You take less for granted and your old need to perform, to achieve, to dominate, to possess and impress, to win by effort what can only be received as gift, has been dealt a blow. It is painful, but freeing: painful because you realize that there is so little you can do; freeing because you realize that there is so little you have to do.
You begin to beg for conversion (even as you sense how difficult it is) because you would want to transvaluate all your values and priorities, your whole self, and begin life anew."

(Fr. Ronald Rolheiser, OMI)

God's peace

2010-10-10T20:50:00.005+02:00

I went to Mass this morning at 9 am. The children's choir animated the Mass songs. I was happy and touched to hear the children's voices. It has been quite a while since I've heard a children's choir singing - such innocence and spontaneity, such fervour. Then they started to sing in Croatian the song "My peace I give unto you". I almost started crying. I felt that it was God's personal response to a request I made while I was praying my Lauds.
"My peace I give unto you. Bing, it is the peace that the world cannot give. It's the peace that the world cannot understand."
How good God is in wanting to reassure me. Bing, look nowhere else. It is I who give you the peace that your heart craves for. He is inviting me to believe, to trust that only He can give me peace.
The problem is, maybe I have another idea of peace. I just want that the ache in my heart, that the restlessness may disappear. I feel like my heart is an open wound that continues to ache. Hence, its healing is the peace that I want.
But maybe God has another peace in store for me. So I wait. I trust in His promise.

Don't quit

2010-10-06T18:02:00.002+02:00

"For I know well the plans I have in mind for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare, not for woe! plans to give you a future full of hope. When you call me, when you go to pray to me, I will listen to you. When you look for me, you will find me. Yes, when you seek me with all your heart, you will find me with you, says the Lord." (Jeremiah 29:11-14)

A channel of your peace

2010-10-04T12:13:00.003+02:00

God, make me a channel of your peace; a peace founded on the certainty that You love me and You take care of me, moment by moment, day by day.
Why is there no peace in my heart? Because there is an angst, a restlessness which I try to fill up with things, accomplishments, persons. For a time they might seem to give me what I want - but it is not peace. It is only a fascinating distraction that afterwards loses its charm. And I am off to square one, feeling restless, face to face with a void, searching, begging, trying for that which will satiate the thirst.
And so there is no peace within me because I just go on and on in this vicious circle.
And there is no peace outside of me because I relate with the world with an aggressive-possessive attitude, thinking that if I just "have" it, it will finally fill up the void.
It seems like I never learn my lesson. But God, you are patient with me. You never force Yourself on me. In Your silence, in Your weakness, You beckon me, You attract me and You draw me to Yourself.
Once drawn, you don't keep me imprisoned because this is against the nature of love.
God, grant me peace, just what I need for this moment, just what I need for today. I don't need to hoard this peace because in doing so, I lose it.
And make me an instrument of this peace.

Lifeless in Mother Mary's hands

2010-10-01T09:43:00.005+02:00

If I were to describe my life right now, the image that comes to my mind is the Pietà. I see myself in Jesus' lifeless body lovingly held by Mother Mary. How long will I stay in this situation? I know and believe that ultimately, life will triumph; that mine is a future of joy and peace. But right now, I am just tired of the dark.
I have asked the Lord several times to give me a little respite, like an oasis in the desert - to dream of my mother, any dream that could pull me out of this deep and dark trap from which I am helpless to get out.
Even as I am writing this, there is a persistent voice that tells me to let go: of the past, of memories good or bad; of human respect and of people's expectations; of having everything clear and under control; of the love and esteem of people.
I feel that this is God's call for me. "Let go, for real. See, I am making something new, can you not see it?"

God's exquisite kindness

2010-09-30T17:32:00.004+02:00

God has made me experience His exquisite kindness in two very special ways today.
While I was praying by myself in the chapel, I had the inspiration to go to the last pew. Normally I don't sit there because when people start to come, they distract me. Anyway, I heeded the inspiration and, therefore, had a long and good look at the big crucifix beside the altar. I had just read a book where somebody shared her experience of how in her difficult life, she has come to realize that "in the cross, somebody can truly understand" her. Yes, as I looked, as I gazed at that cross, I knew deep in my heart that someone understands the pain in my heart and the struggle to keep hoping. He, Jesus, knew the pain of betrayal, of rejection, of insuccess, of lack of comprehension. Yes, He understands. Somehow it gives me consolation as I go through this experience. In my solitude, someone keeps me company. His resurrection is the foundation of my hope that life triumphs.
The other experience happened also unexpectedly. I was feeling tired so I decided to take a walk in the garden, just to breathe a little fresh air, to see the flowers, the trees and the grass, to hear the birds and the young people playing in the nearby football field. Then I came across an elderly sister who has always touched me by her kindness and intuition. She was praying her rosary and she told me, "I am remembering you. Enlarge your heart, don't let suffering overcome you. Let go and you will learn to swim". Then we continued to chat. She shared with me some of her experiences and realizations. It wasn't a very long conversation, but it was life-giving.
Thank God for these special gifts today.

He has put timelessness into our hearts

2010-09-24T16:16:00.006+02:00

"God has made everything appropriate to its time, and has put the timeless into their hearts, without men's ever discovering, from beginning to end, the work which God has done." (Ecclesiastes 3:11)
This text is part of a famous quote from Scriptures that starts with "There is an appointed time for everything". It is only today that I have been struck by this last part. God has an over-all plan, and that is a plan of joy and fullness of life. But this plan is an ongoing work, and we are involved in its construction. The problem is, we often question the whys of certain events and blame everything on God when things seem crazy and absurd.
If God has a plan, where is our freedom? Are we mere puppets in the hands of a great puppeteer? On the other hand, if we are responsible, then what use is it to pray and to ask God for help?
My own personal theory is this: God's plan is a plan of joy, of success, of fullness of life. We all have our part and what we do, what we say, even what we think, have their consequences in the lives of others and in God's plan of joy. But God continues to be present, motivating and inspiring us, so that despite our follies we may decide to cooperate in His plan. Mistakes and follies also have a place in this plan because they bring out the best in people like strength, resilience, kindness, compassion, forgiveness, sacrifice, etc.
Since we are a part of this puzzle, we are "in" and we cannot see the greater picture. What we see pertains only to our lives, or to the lives of those closest to us; and this may overwhelm us or make us despair. But if we just step back for a while and try to see the bigger picture, or just review a past experience, we will be amazed to see how even the most tragic thing can contribute to God's plan of joy.
Lastly, we will never find full joy in this life. God has put "timelessness" into our hearts. There will always be an angst, a sense of incompleteness, a craving for something more. Our hearts are too noble to be content with the created world, yet it is still too small in this life to be the dwelling place of a God who is so Great.